10 Things That Make Me Mayor of Awesometown

1. Aha! I bet you didn't think I'd blog today. I will have a post in before midnight, which technically qualifies as a post for today. So there! Eat your heart out. But if it's made of chocolate, please share. The fact that I blogged after a busy day of doing very little makes me awesome.

2. I took my kid to the park today, even though it was cold and I had to find mitts, and he kept going back and forth between pretending to be a cat while suffocating hugging one of our real cats, and getting his stuff on to go to the park. Then, I hauled my large behind onto the play structures and pretended to be his first mate, the dreaded Officer Mom. When Spawnling started getting upset because it was time to leave, I made a game out of it and we hunted tigers all the way home. Being a pretty decent mom makes me awesome.

3. My husband just said 'Have fun with your N@mBlaProMo' while snickering at his oh-so-funny and highly inappropriate play on words about my month of daily blogging. And I did not bite his lip when he kissed me goodnight, or whack him on the head, or choke him with my laptop's power cord. My restraint makes me awesome.

4. I had a tofu and broccoli teriyaki stir fry for lunch, and spent time in the kitchen post-park trip making a whole wheat pizza dough from scratch for dinner. I've made it before, and while it does take some patience, it tops anything I've bought in the store, hands down. If you ignore the four or five mini chocolate bars I ate in between lunch and dinner (okay, and maybe one before lunch), my health-conscious attitude makes me awesome.

5. I sent a very honest and heartfelt email to an old friend today. I did it without any idea what the consequences will be, good or bad. Honesty is awesome. Communication is awesome. And guess what? I'm awesome, too.

6. By contrast, I let a friend go this week. Well, actually, I think she let me go weeks ago because she's purposely had little to nothing to do with me in over two months (I know, right? Who the heck doesn't want The Maven around?) But I decided it was time to stop hanging on, take the hint, and let go as well. It actually felt pretty good and, while I'm a little sad, I'm not angry, not resentful, not out for blood, or for drama. I'm cool with it and I think we'll both be better off. Isn't that big of me? I mean, wow! I know I'm impressed! Besides, I'm not exactly hurting in the social department; I'm positively surrounded by great people. My cup runneth over, yo. Being more mature about things - and incredibly humble, I might add - makes me awesome.

7. I've started drinking more tea and less coffee. This is not to say I don't drink coffee every day, because that would be a big fat lie. I've simply substituted a portion of my coffee intake with herbal tea. Why? Because it tastes good. Also, I've been home with sick kids for about three weeks. I'm feeling a bit... Twitchy. Agitated. Unhinged. And while a trip to a padded cell for 48 hour observation does sound tempting, with my luck I would end up with a manic neighbour who chats incessantly at all hours. I might as well just have Spawnling talking my ear off while I'm trying to edit a manuscript. It's pretty much the same thing, except I get access to candy and the internet at home. Finding balance makes me awesome.

8. I've been going out of my way to be really nice to people and let them know I care. The easiest way to do this when I'm cooped up at home is to be online. A lot. Way too much. But it does help with the twitching. At any rate, my family has been shown so much kindness over the last couple of months that I want to give some of that back. I figure walking around town with Flutrepid and Coughling might spread more germs than kindness, which sort of defeats the purpose. But commenting on people's blogs, tweets and Facebook statuses will do the job nicely. We're not spreading the pandemic love that way, my friends. Positive energy has been given to me in droves and I've been trying hard to make a hefty deposit in the karma bank for others. You're welcome. Spreading the karmic love makes me awesome (and will likely get me more coffee drop offs. Just sayin').

9. When it comes to the show "The Tudors", I think King Henry IIV is a smoking hot piece of royalty... Wait. That has nothing to do with being awesome. Or maybe it does. Because his hotness is most definitely awesome.

10. I finished this post before midnight. I did! I still get adoration of my loyal blog readers, and some shiny loots. Yes, I said shiny loots. Start saving, because I want something really nice for all this hard work and dedication. Being easygoing makes me fantastically awesome.

"The Dog Ate My Blackberry" and Other Things I Heard Today

This is my 501st post. How frightening that I've only written 500 in almost three years of blogging. I hang my head in shame. But I promise this will be a good one.

What have I been doing over the last week? If you were to ask my friends, they would answer "bragging". And they would be correct: Last Tuesday I got a shiny new toy and I couldn't wait to let all the kids in the sandbox know about it. Everywhere I went, I flaunted my iPhone in its pretty pink case. I took pictures on the fly just because I could, and uploaded them to Facebook right then and there - you guessed it - just because I could do that, too. I updated statuses on social networking sites to reflect the mundane things I was doing, like 'sitting by a fire' and 'checking the price of berries at the grocery store'. There seemed to be no end to the incessant crowing on my part, which would eventually tear apart the very social fabric that makes me cool in the first place, new phone or not.

And then came the glitch that changed everything.

About a month ago I was catapulted over the wall and into the exciting kingdom of Texting, where I realized there was a whole new way of being popular. Gone are the days of only having petty conversations with people who are in the same room as you; now we can compare the price of nail polish from almost anywhere in the world. Technology is incredible! I had no idea so many people wanted to tell me their useless crap. I must be very important. Furthermore, they seem moderately interested in my even more useless replies. Even when I'm alone I have people to whine to about finding coffee grounds in the bottom of my cup. And, better still, I can make plans to have someone bring me a fresh, coffee-ground-free java while in the comfort of my own bathroom.

Yes, sirree. Texting is truly wonderful! It's just a damn shame I wasn't receive most of them this week.

For some reason, when my number was ported over to the new carrier, texts stopped coming my way from anyone who isn't on the same network as I am. Pretty sucky, considering that encompasses at least 75% of the people I wanted to brag about my phone to. I had to do all my gloating in person instead, which was so much more work. Being egotistical from the comfort of my couch definitely wins over having to drag all the gremlins to a park meetup, you know?

Oh, and my applications were crashing, too. Double your fun. Bugger it all.

After making several frustrating calls to the carrier's tech "support" people and doing much of my own "supporting" - including telling them what was wrong based on my own research and how they could probably fix it while thinking about how I used to be a way better tech support rep than they'll ever be - I concluded there was no other way to solve the problem but to head back to the store where I originally bought the phone. So, this afternoon I left the gremlins with capable Geekster and made my way to the mall.

I spent three-and-a-half hours in the store and ended up leaving with a new phone, a new SIM card, and a new number. The guy at Wireless Wave was fantastic, so I have to give them some big props. If you're ever in the market for a new phone in Ottawa, go see them at Carlingwood Mall. If Luc is around, that's the guy you want to go to. I couldn't believe he spent that much time on the phone with the carrier on one ear and Apple support on the other. Obviously, he sensed I was a very important person and felt the need to go above and beyond.

Or maybe it was the double shot americano coffee and biscotti I bought him while he was on hold. Bribery or my awesomeness? We may never really know the answer to this important question...

Since I was practically a fixture in the store for an entire afternoon, I witnessed several very interesting transactions. There was the girl who didn't seem to understand that all of Canada was sold out of the new iPhone, and the fact that hers accidentally got wet and she was leaving on vacation tomorrow was not going to make the Apple Elves build any faster in Steve Jobs' magic sweat workshop.

There was the girl who said she needed a new Blackberry and, when asked what happened to hers, replied with 'You're not going to believe this, but my dog ate it'. It nearly caused me to spit hot americano across the room in laughter, and I had to turn away when she eventually took out her mangled, tooth-indented, drool-damaged cell. There was amusement and there was pity; my insides were so conflicted.

Finally, there was the guy who came in wanting a new phone and had an Ontario Health Card (which can't be used as ID in most places), a fake credit card, and a promise that he remembered his social insurance number 'off by heart'. It didn't go over quite the way he had planned. I think he ended paying for his phone in full and leaving with a pay-as-you-go card. No clue why they didn't trust the guy. I mean, he remembers his SIN off by heart, isn't that good enough to pass as ID? Picky, picky.

Karma's a bitch, isn't it? I brag and I end up wasting my life away in the mall, drinking too much coffee and having to run to the bathroom halfway through my adventures at the cell phone store.

Which brings me to the coup de grace, if you will. The straw that broke the karmic camel's back.

As I was leaving the facilities with an empty bladder, I made my way through a very narrow hallway. There was another way out, but it would have taken me further away from the store, whereas this narrow exit brought me right in front of it. As I rounded the corner, an elderly man in a walker was making his way toward me. We met in the middle of the hallway and I had to turn sideways to make room for his walker. It was then that he stopped me and smiled.

"Hey!" he said with a thick Eastern European accent. "I like big ladies. You are big, beautiful lady. They have nice, round bum. Mmmmmm..."

"Um..." I said, taken completely off guard.

The decrepit, toothless man continued. "Know what I like to do with big lady? I like to go have bed with her. Would you like that? You could go have bed with me!"

I was about to show him just how compact his walker can get by sticking it up his elderly ass when I was tugged on the arm by a mall employee. "Here, miss. You can also exit this way!"

I snarled at the grizzly grinning gummer as she pulled me away from him. "Thank you" I said to her, relieved. "Really. Thank you. That guy has no idea how much pent up rage I have in my today"

I was too traumatized to tell the story for a few hours afterward. For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to have sex again without seeing his perverted geriatric face. Nothing kills libido like a dirty old man who wants to have bed with you. Gross.

When I told this story to Emely - or, rather, asked a mutual friend to tell it so I wouldn't have to relive the horror - she sent me a text that read:

Ew! That's gross. But at least you have options.

It's nice to put a positive spin on things, isn't it?

Excuse me while I throw up a little in my mouth.

There we go. All better. And for those of you who rolled your eyes at my repetitive announcement of the new Maven toy, rejoice, for I have been paid back by the cosmos, tenfold. Barf-o-rama!

Karma vs. The Maven

I have a faulty circuit in my van.

It lies above my gas tank, so while the circuit itself only costs about $100 to replace, the labour costs bring the total up to - are you ready for this? - $483.00 + taxes.

Since I was already shelling out $530 for brake repairs, I was just a wee bit hesitant to part with more pretend money. (You know: money that doesn't exist yet but you will somehow pay back with all your real money you tell yourself you'll eventually make?)

I asked what, exactly, this circuit does. Is it life-threatening not to have it? Am I going to go up in a fiery ball of stupidity for not pumping out a few extra hours of floor scrubbing and baby changing and (hah!) article writing?

"No. It's not dangerous. It's the circuit that controls emissions in the gas tank. Basically it tells the system to re-absorb the vapors instead of sending them back into the atmosphere."

"Ah. I see. Not dangerous. Got it. Well, close the hood and I'll be there in a few minutes." My question answered, I was ready to get off the phone and go pick up my van with the shiny new rotors.

"You won't pass an emissions test with this circuit gone. It's going to pollute a little more." warned the mechanic.

"Well, the nice thing about living on the Quebec side of the river is that we don't have emissions tests yet. Can you turn the engine light off for now? It's annoyingly bright at night."

Being satisfactorily warned, I hung up the phone and pondered the lack of guilt I was feeling over clogging the air with more carbon monoxide. Does every environmentalist have a price, or am I just a poseur? Does the fact that my husband took a pay cut justify the damage I would be causing Mother Earth by driving not only a minivan, but a environmentally defective minivan? And, most importantly, how would this decision affect my karma rating?

Screw it. Here's the action plan: plant more trees, grow organic vegetables in garden, compost more, hug some squirrels and drive the DeathMobile for the foreseeable future.

It's true: I am a failure. David Suzuki is so going to kick me out of the Super Friends club. I will be sent down to the pits of Hell with all the Escalade drivers (even owners of the hybrid models because we all know how ridiculous a hybrid Escalade is), where we will be whipped by rainforest vines and ripped apart by the souls of starved polar bears.

Karma: -1

Oh, but wait! I did do something good today. I really did! I was kindly asked to submit a post to The Second Road about two weeks ago. I said I would write it immediately and send it in. And, as a shout out to procrastinators everywhere, I submitted it today. Go team Maven!

Well, I couldn't exactly be on time. I'm an alcoholic; we're notorious for putting off what isn't absolutely necessary in lieu of doing something self-destructive. In this case it was consuming copious amounts of my sleeping children's Easter chocolate. If they only knew how generous they were being.

(I feel the treadmill calling me and seriously wonder if I surpass the weight restrictions after that naughty/delightful sugar binge.)

Anyway, you can read my post here. I warn you: it's not in my usual style. It's, like, serious and crap. Because I take my recovery seriously. That should be fairly obvious considering how I've managed to stay clean and sober despite taming my horde of little gremlins.

Karma: 0. Neutral. Perfect.

Finally, I'd like to congratulate AngelMama, who called me with some good news yesterday. The conversation went something like this:

AngelMama: I have some news for you. It looks like my husband is going to be a father again!

The Maven: Oh wow! That's fantas... Wait a minute. Like, with you, right?

AngelMama: ... Yes, with me!

The Maven: Oh, good! Well congratulations, then! I just thought I'd make sure. Heck, you're the one who pointed out Six Babies Six Dads in the beer tent at the fair last year, remember? You never know what goes on in those small towns...

AngelMama, laughing to kill herself: You won't believe this, but she's also pregnant!

The Maven, now feeling vindicated: ... Um, not with Rob's baby, right?

AngelMama, asking Rob: He says it's not his. They DNA tested her other kids, so I guess we'll find out in a few months.

The Maven: Sweet. Can I come over on Thursday?

Karma: -1. Damn.

How much do you want to bet she'll poison my otherwise healthy vegetarian meal?