I have a faulty circuit in my van.
It lies above my gas tank, so while the circuit itself only costs about $100 to replace, the labour costs bring the total up to - are you ready for this? - $483.00 + taxes.
Since I was already shelling out $530 for brake repairs, I was just a wee bit hesitant to part with more pretend money. (You know: money that doesn't exist yet but you will somehow pay back with all your real money you tell yourself you'll eventually make?)
I asked what, exactly, this circuit does. Is it life-threatening not to have it? Am I going to go up in a fiery ball of stupidity for not pumping out a few extra hours of floor scrubbing and baby changing and (hah!) article writing?
"No. It's not dangerous. It's the circuit that controls emissions in the gas tank. Basically it tells the system to re-absorb the vapors instead of sending them back into the atmosphere."
"Ah. I see. Not dangerous. Got it. Well, close the hood and I'll be there in a few minutes." My question answered, I was ready to get off the phone and go pick up my van with the shiny new rotors.
"You won't pass an emissions test with this circuit gone. It's going to pollute a little more." warned the mechanic.
"Well, the nice thing about living on the Quebec side of the river is that we don't have emissions tests yet. Can you turn the engine light off for now? It's annoyingly bright at night."
Being satisfactorily warned, I hung up the phone and pondered the lack of guilt I was feeling over clogging the air with more carbon monoxide. Does every environmentalist have a price, or am I just a poseur? Does the fact that my husband took a pay cut justify the damage I would be causing Mother Earth by driving not only a minivan, but a environmentally defective minivan? And, most importantly, how would this decision affect my karma rating?
Screw it. Here's the action plan: plant more trees, grow organic vegetables in garden, compost more, hug some squirrels and drive the DeathMobile for the foreseeable future.
It's true: I am a failure. David Suzuki is so going to kick me out of the Super Friends club. I will be sent down to the pits of Hell with all the Escalade drivers (even owners of the hybrid models because we all know how ridiculous a hybrid Escalade is), where we will be whipped by rainforest vines and ripped apart by the souls of starved polar bears.
Karma: -1
Oh, but wait! I did do something good today. I really did! I was kindly asked to submit a post to The Second Road about two weeks ago. I said I would write it immediately and send it in. And, as a shout out to procrastinators everywhere, I submitted it today. Go team Maven!
Well, I couldn't exactly be on time. I'm an alcoholic; we're notorious for putting off what isn't absolutely necessary in lieu of doing something self-destructive. In this case it was consuming copious amounts of my sleeping children's Easter chocolate. If they only knew how generous they were being.
(I feel the treadmill calling me and seriously wonder if I surpass the weight restrictions after that naughty/delightful sugar binge.)
Anyway, you can read my post here. I warn you: it's not in my usual style. It's, like, serious and crap. Because I take my recovery seriously. That should be fairly obvious considering how I've managed to stay clean and sober despite taming my horde of little gremlins.
Karma: 0. Neutral. Perfect.
Finally, I'd like to congratulate AngelMama, who called me with some good news yesterday. The conversation went something like this:
AngelMama: I have some news for you. It looks like my husband is going to be a father again!
The Maven: Oh wow! That's fantas... Wait a minute. Like, with you, right?
AngelMama: ... Yes, with me!
The Maven: Oh, good! Well congratulations, then! I just thought I'd make sure. Heck, you're the one who pointed out Six Babies Six Dads in the beer tent at the fair last year, remember? You never know what goes on in those small towns...
AngelMama, laughing to kill herself: You won't believe this, but she's also pregnant!
The Maven, now feeling vindicated: ... Um, not with Rob's baby, right?
AngelMama, asking Rob: He says it's not his. They DNA tested her other kids, so I guess we'll find out in a few months.
The Maven: Sweet. Can I come over on Thursday?
Karma: -1. Damn.
How much do you want to bet she'll poison my otherwise healthy vegetarian meal?
It lies above my gas tank, so while the circuit itself only costs about $100 to replace, the labour costs bring the total up to - are you ready for this? - $483.00 + taxes.
Since I was already shelling out $530 for brake repairs, I was just a wee bit hesitant to part with more pretend money. (You know: money that doesn't exist yet but you will somehow pay back with all your real money you tell yourself you'll eventually make?)
I asked what, exactly, this circuit does. Is it life-threatening not to have it? Am I going to go up in a fiery ball of stupidity for not pumping out a few extra hours of floor scrubbing and baby changing and (hah!) article writing?
"No. It's not dangerous. It's the circuit that controls emissions in the gas tank. Basically it tells the system to re-absorb the vapors instead of sending them back into the atmosphere."
"Ah. I see. Not dangerous. Got it. Well, close the hood and I'll be there in a few minutes." My question answered, I was ready to get off the phone and go pick up my van with the shiny new rotors.
"You won't pass an emissions test with this circuit gone. It's going to pollute a little more." warned the mechanic.
"Well, the nice thing about living on the Quebec side of the river is that we don't have emissions tests yet. Can you turn the engine light off for now? It's annoyingly bright at night."
Being satisfactorily warned, I hung up the phone and pondered the lack of guilt I was feeling over clogging the air with more carbon monoxide. Does every environmentalist have a price, or am I just a poseur? Does the fact that my husband took a pay cut justify the damage I would be causing Mother Earth by driving not only a minivan, but a environmentally defective minivan? And, most importantly, how would this decision affect my karma rating?
Screw it. Here's the action plan: plant more trees, grow organic vegetables in garden, compost more, hug some squirrels and drive the DeathMobile for the foreseeable future.
It's true: I am a failure. David Suzuki is so going to kick me out of the Super Friends club. I will be sent down to the pits of Hell with all the Escalade drivers (even owners of the hybrid models because we all know how ridiculous a hybrid Escalade is), where we will be whipped by rainforest vines and ripped apart by the souls of starved polar bears.
Karma: -1
Oh, but wait! I did do something good today. I really did! I was kindly asked to submit a post to The Second Road about two weeks ago. I said I would write it immediately and send it in. And, as a shout out to procrastinators everywhere, I submitted it today. Go team Maven!
Well, I couldn't exactly be on time. I'm an alcoholic; we're notorious for putting off what isn't absolutely necessary in lieu of doing something self-destructive. In this case it was consuming copious amounts of my sleeping children's Easter chocolate. If they only knew how generous they were being.
(I feel the treadmill calling me and seriously wonder if I surpass the weight restrictions after that naughty/delightful sugar binge.)
Anyway, you can read my post here. I warn you: it's not in my usual style. It's, like, serious and crap. Because I take my recovery seriously. That should be fairly obvious considering how I've managed to stay clean and sober despite taming my horde of little gremlins.
Karma: 0. Neutral. Perfect.
Finally, I'd like to congratulate AngelMama, who called me with some good news yesterday. The conversation went something like this:
AngelMama: I have some news for you. It looks like my husband is going to be a father again!
The Maven: Oh wow! That's fantas... Wait a minute. Like, with you, right?
AngelMama: ... Yes, with me!
The Maven: Oh, good! Well congratulations, then! I just thought I'd make sure. Heck, you're the one who pointed out Six Babies Six Dads in the beer tent at the fair last year, remember? You never know what goes on in those small towns...
AngelMama, laughing to kill herself: You won't believe this, but she's also pregnant!
The Maven, now feeling vindicated: ... Um, not with Rob's baby, right?
AngelMama, asking Rob: He says it's not his. They DNA tested her other kids, so I guess we'll find out in a few months.
The Maven: Sweet. Can I come over on Thursday?
Karma: -1. Damn.
How much do you want to bet she'll poison my otherwise healthy vegetarian meal?