This is my 501st post. How frightening that I've only written 500 in almost three years of blogging. I hang my head in shame. But I promise this will be a good one.
What have I been doing over the last week? If you were to ask my friends, they would answer "bragging". And they would be correct: Last Tuesday I got a shiny new toy and I couldn't wait to let all the kids in the sandbox know about it. Everywhere I went, I flaunted my iPhone in its pretty pink case. I took pictures on the fly just because I could, and uploaded them to Facebook right then and there - you guessed it - just because I could do that, too. I updated statuses on social networking sites to reflect the mundane things I was doing, like 'sitting by a fire' and 'checking the price of berries at the grocery store'. There seemed to be no end to the incessant crowing on my part, which would eventually tear apart the very social fabric that makes me cool in the first place, new phone or not.
And then came the glitch that changed everything.
About a month ago I was catapulted over the wall and into the exciting kingdom of Texting, where I realized there was a whole new way of being popular. Gone are the days of only having petty conversations with people who are in the same room as you; now we can compare the price of nail polish from almost anywhere in the world. Technology is incredible! I had no idea so many people wanted to tell me their useless crap. I must be very important. Furthermore, they seem moderately interested in my even more useless replies. Even when I'm alone I have people to whine to about finding coffee grounds in the bottom of my cup. And, better still, I can make plans to have someone bring me a fresh, coffee-ground-free java while in the comfort of my own bathroom.
Yes, sirree. Texting is truly wonderful! It's just a damn shame I wasn't receive most of them this week.
For some reason, when my number was ported over to the new carrier, texts stopped coming my way from anyone who isn't on the same network as I am. Pretty sucky, considering that encompasses at least 75% of the people I wanted to brag about my phone to. I had to do all my gloating in person instead, which was so much more work. Being egotistical from the comfort of my couch definitely wins over having to drag all the gremlins to a park meetup, you know?
Oh, and my applications were crashing, too. Double your fun. Bugger it all.
After making several frustrating calls to the carrier's tech "support" people and doing much of my own "supporting" - including telling them what was wrong based on my own research and how they could probably fix it while thinking about how I used to be a way better tech support rep than they'll ever be - I concluded there was no other way to solve the problem but to head back to the store where I originally bought the phone. So, this afternoon I left the gremlins with capable Geekster and made my way to the mall.
I spent three-and-a-half hours in the store and ended up leaving with a new phone, a new SIM card, and a new number. The guy at Wireless Wave was fantastic, so I have to give them some big props. If you're ever in the market for a new phone in Ottawa, go see them at Carlingwood Mall. If Luc is around, that's the guy you want to go to. I couldn't believe he spent that much time on the phone with the carrier on one ear and Apple support on the other. Obviously, he sensed I was a very important person and felt the need to go above and beyond.
Or maybe it was the double shot americano coffee and biscotti I bought him while he was on hold. Bribery or my awesomeness? We may never really know the answer to this important question...
Since I was practically a fixture in the store for an entire afternoon, I witnessed several very interesting transactions. There was the girl who didn't seem to understand that all of Canada was sold out of the new iPhone, and the fact that hers accidentally got wet and she was leaving on vacation tomorrow was not going to make the Apple Elves build any faster in Steve Jobs' magicsweat workshop.
There was the girl who said she needed a new Blackberry and, when asked what happened to hers, replied with 'You're not going to believe this, but my dog ate it'. It nearly caused me to spit hot americano across the room in laughter, and I had to turn away when she eventually took out her mangled, tooth-indented, drool-damaged cell. There was amusement and there was pity; my insides were so conflicted.
Finally, there was the guy who came in wanting a new phone and had an Ontario Health Card (which can't be used as ID in most places), a fake credit card, and a promise that he remembered his social insurance number 'off by heart'. It didn't go over quite the way he had planned. I think he ended paying for his phone in full and leaving with a pay-as-you-go card. No clue why they didn't trust the guy. I mean, he remembers his SIN off by heart, isn't that good enough to pass as ID? Picky, picky.
Karma's a bitch, isn't it? I brag and I end up wasting my life away in the mall, drinking too much coffee and having to run to the bathroom halfway through my adventures at the cell phone store.
Which brings me to the coup de grace, if you will. The straw that broke the karmic camel's back.
As I was leaving the facilities with an empty bladder, I made my way through a very narrow hallway. There was another way out, but it would have taken me further away from the store, whereas this narrow exit brought me right in front of it. As I rounded the corner, an elderly man in a walker was making his way toward me. We met in the middle of the hallway and I had to turn sideways to make room for his walker. It was then that he stopped me and smiled.
"Hey!" he said with a thick Eastern European accent. "I like big ladies. You are big, beautiful lady. They have nice, round bum. Mmmmmm..."
"Um..." I said, taken completely off guard.
The decrepit, toothless man continued. "Know what I like to do with big lady? I like to go have bed with her. Would you like that? You could go have bed with me!"
I was about to show him just how compact his walker can get by sticking it up his elderly ass when I was tugged on the arm by a mall employee. "Here, miss. You can also exit this way!"
I snarled at the grizzly grinning gummer as she pulled me away from him. "Thank you" I said to her, relieved. "Really. Thank you. That guy has no idea how much pent up rage I have in my today"
I was too traumatized to tell the story for a few hours afterward. For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to have sex again without seeing his perverted geriatric face. Nothing kills libido like a dirty old man who wants to have bed with you. Gross.
When I told this story to Emely - or, rather, asked a mutual friend to tell it so I wouldn't have to relive the horror - she sent me a text that read:
It's nice to put a positive spin on things, isn't it?
Excuse me while I throw up a little in my mouth.
There we go. All better. And for those of you who rolled your eyes at my repetitive announcement of the new Maven toy, rejoice, for I have been paid back by the cosmos, tenfold. Barf-o-rama!
What have I been doing over the last week? If you were to ask my friends, they would answer "bragging". And they would be correct: Last Tuesday I got a shiny new toy and I couldn't wait to let all the kids in the sandbox know about it. Everywhere I went, I flaunted my iPhone in its pretty pink case. I took pictures on the fly just because I could, and uploaded them to Facebook right then and there - you guessed it - just because I could do that, too. I updated statuses on social networking sites to reflect the mundane things I was doing, like 'sitting by a fire' and 'checking the price of berries at the grocery store'. There seemed to be no end to the incessant crowing on my part, which would eventually tear apart the very social fabric that makes me cool in the first place, new phone or not.
And then came the glitch that changed everything.
About a month ago I was catapulted over the wall and into the exciting kingdom of Texting, where I realized there was a whole new way of being popular. Gone are the days of only having petty conversations with people who are in the same room as you; now we can compare the price of nail polish from almost anywhere in the world. Technology is incredible! I had no idea so many people wanted to tell me their useless crap. I must be very important. Furthermore, they seem moderately interested in my even more useless replies. Even when I'm alone I have people to whine to about finding coffee grounds in the bottom of my cup. And, better still, I can make plans to have someone bring me a fresh, coffee-ground-free java while in the comfort of my own bathroom.
Yes, sirree. Texting is truly wonderful! It's just a damn shame I wasn't receive most of them this week.
For some reason, when my number was ported over to the new carrier, texts stopped coming my way from anyone who isn't on the same network as I am. Pretty sucky, considering that encompasses at least 75% of the people I wanted to brag about my phone to. I had to do all my gloating in person instead, which was so much more work. Being egotistical from the comfort of my couch definitely wins over having to drag all the gremlins to a park meetup, you know?
Oh, and my applications were crashing, too. Double your fun. Bugger it all.
After making several frustrating calls to the carrier's tech "support" people and doing much of my own "supporting" - including telling them what was wrong based on my own research and how they could probably fix it while thinking about how I used to be a way better tech support rep than they'll ever be - I concluded there was no other way to solve the problem but to head back to the store where I originally bought the phone. So, this afternoon I left the gremlins with capable Geekster and made my way to the mall.
I spent three-and-a-half hours in the store and ended up leaving with a new phone, a new SIM card, and a new number. The guy at Wireless Wave was fantastic, so I have to give them some big props. If you're ever in the market for a new phone in Ottawa, go see them at Carlingwood Mall. If Luc is around, that's the guy you want to go to. I couldn't believe he spent that much time on the phone with the carrier on one ear and Apple support on the other. Obviously, he sensed I was a very important person and felt the need to go above and beyond.
Or maybe it was the double shot americano coffee and biscotti I bought him while he was on hold. Bribery or my awesomeness? We may never really know the answer to this important question...
Since I was practically a fixture in the store for an entire afternoon, I witnessed several very interesting transactions. There was the girl who didn't seem to understand that all of Canada was sold out of the new iPhone, and the fact that hers accidentally got wet and she was leaving on vacation tomorrow was not going to make the Apple Elves build any faster in Steve Jobs' magic
There was the girl who said she needed a new Blackberry and, when asked what happened to hers, replied with 'You're not going to believe this, but my dog ate it'. It nearly caused me to spit hot americano across the room in laughter, and I had to turn away when she eventually took out her mangled, tooth-indented, drool-damaged cell. There was amusement and there was pity; my insides were so conflicted.
Finally, there was the guy who came in wanting a new phone and had an Ontario Health Card (which can't be used as ID in most places), a fake credit card, and a promise that he remembered his social insurance number 'off by heart'. It didn't go over quite the way he had planned. I think he ended paying for his phone in full and leaving with a pay-as-you-go card. No clue why they didn't trust the guy. I mean, he remembers his SIN off by heart, isn't that good enough to pass as ID? Picky, picky.
Karma's a bitch, isn't it? I brag and I end up wasting my life away in the mall, drinking too much coffee and having to run to the bathroom halfway through my adventures at the cell phone store.
Which brings me to the coup de grace, if you will. The straw that broke the karmic camel's back.
As I was leaving the facilities with an empty bladder, I made my way through a very narrow hallway. There was another way out, but it would have taken me further away from the store, whereas this narrow exit brought me right in front of it. As I rounded the corner, an elderly man in a walker was making his way toward me. We met in the middle of the hallway and I had to turn sideways to make room for his walker. It was then that he stopped me and smiled.
"Hey!" he said with a thick Eastern European accent. "I like big ladies. You are big, beautiful lady. They have nice, round bum. Mmmmmm..."
"Um..." I said, taken completely off guard.
The decrepit, toothless man continued. "Know what I like to do with big lady? I like to go have bed with her. Would you like that? You could go have bed with me!"
I was about to show him just how compact his walker can get by sticking it up his elderly ass when I was tugged on the arm by a mall employee. "Here, miss. You can also exit this way!"
I snarled at the grizzly grinning gummer as she pulled me away from him. "Thank you" I said to her, relieved. "Really. Thank you. That guy has no idea how much pent up rage I have in my today"
I was too traumatized to tell the story for a few hours afterward. For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to have sex again without seeing his perverted geriatric face. Nothing kills libido like a dirty old man who wants to have bed with you. Gross.
When I told this story to Emely - or, rather, asked a mutual friend to tell it so I wouldn't have to relive the horror - she sent me a text that read:
Ew! That's gross. But at least you have options.
It's nice to put a positive spin on things, isn't it?
Excuse me while I throw up a little in my mouth.
There we go. All better. And for those of you who rolled your eyes at my repetitive announcement of the new Maven toy, rejoice, for I have been paid back by the cosmos, tenfold. Barf-o-rama!
