The nice thing about having children six years apart is that I've been able to get a good look at where I went wrong the first time in hopes of not driving my other offspring into therapy. I've also had nine years to watch how other people screw up... er... parent. I swear I could write a book at this stage about what not to do. I thought I might share some of my wisdom here, for my fortunate readers. See, I'm normally very tight-lipped online these days. I don't like to ruffle feathers on the handful of parenting boards I post on, nor am I enough of a regular to matter, anyway. A blog is a nice place to put stuff like this, because anyone who comes here knows that they're going to get a bitchslap of opinion. That's what blogs are, duh.
So, without further ado, let me crack open my Tim Hortons decaf and get down to bidness.
Parenting Mistake #1: The overprotected child
About a month ago Gutsy was playing on a playstructure with many other children. I told him it was time to leave, at which point he pushed past a little girl who was about three or four and knocked her down on all fours in his attempt to get down the slide. She seemed ok until Daddykins rushed to her aid, then she started to complain about how he hurt her. Gutsy had taken off at this point, so I ran (waddled) after him and began to tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to be more careful, that it was not acceptable to shove past someone, etc. Next thing I know, Daddykins is running after me, holding Precious in his arms, demanding an apology from my son.
Yes, I made him apologize. And yes, I was embarrassed. Nobody wants their child to hurt other children. In Daddkins' defense, nobody wants to see their child get hurt, either. But dear ol' Daddykins needs to understand a golden parenting rule: Precious will not learn to hold her place in the world if she always has him to stick up for her. The idea of 'daddy's little girl' is endearing in the preschool years, but Precious is eventually going to go to school and/or daycare and/or activities where Daddykins won't always be around.
What do you suppose Precious is going to do when Daddykins isn't around to defend her honour against a bully at daycamp? What about when there's a mean pack of girls at school? Daddykins would probably like to think that he'll always be there, but he won't be (unless he turns into one of those weird, stalker dads, which will cause Precious to join Greenpeace at 18 and move to the Antartic). He'd like to think that if, for some unfathomable reason, he can't be there, Precious will have learned how to demand respect by watching him do it for her on so many occasions.
Sorry to say, Daddykins, but Precious will probably do none of those things. First, she's likely to get pushed aside dozens of times in her childhood by kids headed for the slide. But if you don't let her get up, brush herself off and start heading for the slide again, she's going to make a huge production out of every single one of those times, not just when she's genuinely injured or there's someone pummelling the crap out of her for malicious reasons. Do you know what's going to happen then? Precious will have social issues. Yeah, those things that nobody wants? She'll be the one in the basement of the high school, spending all her free time assembling collages for the yearbook. Not because she likes it, but because she has no friends. Why doesn't she have any friends? Because she takes everything personally and whines about it to boot.
So, in short, let Precious take a few falls. Let her fight her battles. Get involved when it's serious, but back off and let the poor child learn to cope. The world is cruel sometimes, but it's worse when you don't know how to deal with it (says the recovering alcoholic with much experience).
Parenting Mistake #2: "My child is special"
"Little Timmy is too advanced for that".
If I had a dime for every parent who thought their child was too advanced or too gifted or too special in some magical way for the things those 'normal' kids do, I'd be sipping iced tea with my hot pool boy in Malibu right now (which makes me wonder why I've never asked for a dime every time someone wanted to tell me that).
I'll spell this out for you: Everyone thinks their child is special. Why? Because everyone's child is special, stupid. They all have strengths and talents to be proud of. They all make us smile that 'I can't believe you're a product of me' smile. It's one of those bonuses of parenting that makes up for getting kicked in the shins or stepping on Buzz Lightyear's pointy hand a dozen times.
'Gifted' children are a big to-do on one of the boards I frequent. I can't help but roll my eyes every time I see someone post 'Is my child gifted?' as they list off all these feats of intelligence that somehow makes their child a cut above the rest. They fret over not providing the right amount of stimulation for their ubersmart Einstein. They worry that the child will have no friends. That no one will understand them. They speak of behavioural issues that are seemingly directly related to their genius level IQ. They list off reasons for their fears; a higher suicide rate being among them. It all sounds so scary and overwhelming.
You know, my nine-year-old is pretty amazing to me. He knew his entire upper and lower case alphabet by 2 1/2, was reading at 4, is one of the most naturally talented pianists his band teacher has ever seen, is a straight 'A' student and now performs well ahead of his peers in most subjects. He's so advanced, in fact, that his teachers give him extra credit projects of his choosing to do on the side. He has certificates of acheivement displayed proudly on his wall and we keep a lot of his short stories, poems and other projects tucked away like the gems they are.
Oh, and did I mention that he's acheived all of this with a moderate-to-severe bilateral hearing loss that he's had since birth but wasn't detected until the age of seven? And that prior to that he was aggressive, was officially labelled ADHD, had an aide in class to help with his behaviour, was struggling (but not failing) in many subjects and that I cried just about every day because I worried about his future? By future, I mean his ability to be happy in life, to make friends, to get through school, hold a job and not end up in jail or addicted to drugs. Not whether or not he's going to get bored when the teacher has go over something for those 'other' kids who don't get it as quickly as mine does. I've never once lost sleep over something like that.
Sort of puts things in perspective when your child's future looks bleak. I always knew he was a very intelligent little boy and was proud of it, too. But academic prowess doesn't matter when a child feels disconnected from the world. He didn't feel like he belonged anywhere. In Intrepid's case, it was because he couldn't hear. Once we realized that and corrected it, life got a lot better for him.
Want to know another thing that can make a child feel like they don't belong? When the adults in their lives make a big stink about how smart they are and how they're not 'like the other kids'. Way to breed social isolation. Nothing like being told that you're way too smart to interact with Sally down the street because she's not reading Nancy Drew at the age of 5 like you are. Little Timmy isn't going to have a lot of friends when all he can talk about is the flash cards he and mommy do every night.
People, look: Always believe your child is special. Acknowledge their strengths as well as their weaknesses. If they want to write up a science experiment in August on snails (we have one sitting on the counter upstairs), let them. If they'd rather run through the sprinkler all summer (we also have bathingsuits drying in the bathroom), let them do that instead. If you want to get them a specialized education, do it because you think it would benefit children in general, not because your child is too good for anything else. Believe in your child's natural ability to learn instead of doubting them and your ability to keep their IQ level upwards of 150.
Intrepid will be the first to tell you that everyone is special in their own way and everyone is smart in their own way, too. I'd say that's one of the most intelligent things anyone has ever said. If only people 30 years older than him could think that way, we'd have many more children comfortable in their own skin. That's worth far more than tuition at the Budding Brainiac Academy, thankyouverymuch.
Parenting Mistake #3: "Socialization"
About that god-awful term. I think it's important to *gag* socialize a child. They should learn how to get along with their peers, to share, to cooperate, to play together and all that rot. However, I'd be sitting in my lear jet if I could collect money not only from the 'my child is too good for life' but also the 'my child needs to go to daycare/school to get socialized' crowd. I could have an army of yummy pool boys at my disposal and probably even a few french maids for Geekster to oggle, too.
Have you ever stepped back and thought about how ridiculous our society is? People used to get their social groove on by being exposed to everyday things, like mom taking them to the store, or dad walking them through town. When they were older, they might go to school and make some friends. Or, they might not have a school in their area and instead learn at home with their siblings and play with the farm kids next door or the children from church. It was all pretty simple. In the end, most people grew up knowing their manners and how to interact with the people in their community.
Nowdays, children apparently need to go to daycare so they can get *puke* socialized for preschool so they can get socialized for elementary school so they can get socialized for high school, which we all know is the healthiest of environments to prepare our youth for entering the adult world. No wonder we're all on Prozac.
I remember the first time I met Intrepid's kindergarten teacher. She asked me whether or not he'd been to daycare. I said no and her jaw about hit the floor. She asked if he had ever been to preschool. I said yes, for one and a half years, 2 mornings a week. She said 'Is that all?' with a disapproving look. I walked out of there wondering if I had made some horrible faux pas by raising my own child full-time. Little did I know that, in today's society, I most certainly had.
What the bloody hell is wrong with everybody? Why does Johnny need to know to hang his coat up and put his shoes in a row by the age of 2? Why does Julia have to know how to line up by the age of 3 and be perfectly content to share every single toy? When five-year-old Cassandra hits Billy because he told her he didn't want to play, parents are called in for a full-out meeting with the school counselor.
Children don't need structured educational centers to learn how to co-habitate. They need guidance from parents and some interaction with their peers, sure. But they can get that interaction in a variety of ways and will learn to get along with other people in their own way, in their own time. We impose far too many expectations on little minds for our own comfort. We feel pressured to institutionalize them for no other reason than because, if we don't, they'll be singled out. Imagine: they might be the only ones in a group developping the way nature intended! What an embarrassment!
I'd like to take the word 'socialization' out of our vocabulary. It's a nasty word that breeds insecurity among parents, myself included at one time.
In closing: eat some bon-bons, put your feet up, let your kids play with makeshift swords (apparently bubble wands work wonders), don't freak out if your child gets hit because he'll get over it, throw away the flashcards and just relax, already. You might find you actually *gasp* enjoy parenting!
So, without further ado, let me crack open my Tim Hortons decaf and get down to bidness.
Parenting Mistake #1: The overprotected child
About a month ago Gutsy was playing on a playstructure with many other children. I told him it was time to leave, at which point he pushed past a little girl who was about three or four and knocked her down on all fours in his attempt to get down the slide. She seemed ok until Daddykins rushed to her aid, then she started to complain about how he hurt her. Gutsy had taken off at this point, so I ran (waddled) after him and began to tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to be more careful, that it was not acceptable to shove past someone, etc. Next thing I know, Daddykins is running after me, holding Precious in his arms, demanding an apology from my son.
Yes, I made him apologize. And yes, I was embarrassed. Nobody wants their child to hurt other children. In Daddkins' defense, nobody wants to see their child get hurt, either. But dear ol' Daddykins needs to understand a golden parenting rule: Precious will not learn to hold her place in the world if she always has him to stick up for her. The idea of 'daddy's little girl' is endearing in the preschool years, but Precious is eventually going to go to school and/or daycare and/or activities where Daddykins won't always be around.
What do you suppose Precious is going to do when Daddykins isn't around to defend her honour against a bully at daycamp? What about when there's a mean pack of girls at school? Daddykins would probably like to think that he'll always be there, but he won't be (unless he turns into one of those weird, stalker dads, which will cause Precious to join Greenpeace at 18 and move to the Antartic). He'd like to think that if, for some unfathomable reason, he can't be there, Precious will have learned how to demand respect by watching him do it for her on so many occasions.
Sorry to say, Daddykins, but Precious will probably do none of those things. First, she's likely to get pushed aside dozens of times in her childhood by kids headed for the slide. But if you don't let her get up, brush herself off and start heading for the slide again, she's going to make a huge production out of every single one of those times, not just when she's genuinely injured or there's someone pummelling the crap out of her for malicious reasons. Do you know what's going to happen then? Precious will have social issues. Yeah, those things that nobody wants? She'll be the one in the basement of the high school, spending all her free time assembling collages for the yearbook. Not because she likes it, but because she has no friends. Why doesn't she have any friends? Because she takes everything personally and whines about it to boot.
So, in short, let Precious take a few falls. Let her fight her battles. Get involved when it's serious, but back off and let the poor child learn to cope. The world is cruel sometimes, but it's worse when you don't know how to deal with it (says the recovering alcoholic with much experience).
Parenting Mistake #2: "My child is special"
"Little Timmy is too advanced for that".
If I had a dime for every parent who thought their child was too advanced or too gifted or too special in some magical way for the things those 'normal' kids do, I'd be sipping iced tea with my hot pool boy in Malibu right now (which makes me wonder why I've never asked for a dime every time someone wanted to tell me that).
I'll spell this out for you: Everyone thinks their child is special. Why? Because everyone's child is special, stupid. They all have strengths and talents to be proud of. They all make us smile that 'I can't believe you're a product of me' smile. It's one of those bonuses of parenting that makes up for getting kicked in the shins or stepping on Buzz Lightyear's pointy hand a dozen times.
'Gifted' children are a big to-do on one of the boards I frequent. I can't help but roll my eyes every time I see someone post 'Is my child gifted?' as they list off all these feats of intelligence that somehow makes their child a cut above the rest. They fret over not providing the right amount of stimulation for their ubersmart Einstein. They worry that the child will have no friends. That no one will understand them. They speak of behavioural issues that are seemingly directly related to their genius level IQ. They list off reasons for their fears; a higher suicide rate being among them. It all sounds so scary and overwhelming.
You know, my nine-year-old is pretty amazing to me. He knew his entire upper and lower case alphabet by 2 1/2, was reading at 4, is one of the most naturally talented pianists his band teacher has ever seen, is a straight 'A' student and now performs well ahead of his peers in most subjects. He's so advanced, in fact, that his teachers give him extra credit projects of his choosing to do on the side. He has certificates of acheivement displayed proudly on his wall and we keep a lot of his short stories, poems and other projects tucked away like the gems they are.
Oh, and did I mention that he's acheived all of this with a moderate-to-severe bilateral hearing loss that he's had since birth but wasn't detected until the age of seven? And that prior to that he was aggressive, was officially labelled ADHD, had an aide in class to help with his behaviour, was struggling (but not failing) in many subjects and that I cried just about every day because I worried about his future? By future, I mean his ability to be happy in life, to make friends, to get through school, hold a job and not end up in jail or addicted to drugs. Not whether or not he's going to get bored when the teacher has go over something for those 'other' kids who don't get it as quickly as mine does. I've never once lost sleep over something like that.
Sort of puts things in perspective when your child's future looks bleak. I always knew he was a very intelligent little boy and was proud of it, too. But academic prowess doesn't matter when a child feels disconnected from the world. He didn't feel like he belonged anywhere. In Intrepid's case, it was because he couldn't hear. Once we realized that and corrected it, life got a lot better for him.
Want to know another thing that can make a child feel like they don't belong? When the adults in their lives make a big stink about how smart they are and how they're not 'like the other kids'. Way to breed social isolation. Nothing like being told that you're way too smart to interact with Sally down the street because she's not reading Nancy Drew at the age of 5 like you are. Little Timmy isn't going to have a lot of friends when all he can talk about is the flash cards he and mommy do every night.
People, look: Always believe your child is special. Acknowledge their strengths as well as their weaknesses. If they want to write up a science experiment in August on snails (we have one sitting on the counter upstairs), let them. If they'd rather run through the sprinkler all summer (we also have bathingsuits drying in the bathroom), let them do that instead. If you want to get them a specialized education, do it because you think it would benefit children in general, not because your child is too good for anything else. Believe in your child's natural ability to learn instead of doubting them and your ability to keep their IQ level upwards of 150.
Intrepid will be the first to tell you that everyone is special in their own way and everyone is smart in their own way, too. I'd say that's one of the most intelligent things anyone has ever said. If only people 30 years older than him could think that way, we'd have many more children comfortable in their own skin. That's worth far more than tuition at the Budding Brainiac Academy, thankyouverymuch.
Parenting Mistake #3: "Socialization"
About that god-awful term. I think it's important to *gag* socialize a child. They should learn how to get along with their peers, to share, to cooperate, to play together and all that rot. However, I'd be sitting in my lear jet if I could collect money not only from the 'my child is too good for life' but also the 'my child needs to go to daycare/school to get socialized' crowd. I could have an army of yummy pool boys at my disposal and probably even a few french maids for Geekster to oggle, too.
Have you ever stepped back and thought about how ridiculous our society is? People used to get their social groove on by being exposed to everyday things, like mom taking them to the store, or dad walking them through town. When they were older, they might go to school and make some friends. Or, they might not have a school in their area and instead learn at home with their siblings and play with the farm kids next door or the children from church. It was all pretty simple. In the end, most people grew up knowing their manners and how to interact with the people in their community.
Nowdays, children apparently need to go to daycare so they can get *puke* socialized for preschool so they can get socialized for elementary school so they can get socialized for high school, which we all know is the healthiest of environments to prepare our youth for entering the adult world. No wonder we're all on Prozac.
I remember the first time I met Intrepid's kindergarten teacher. She asked me whether or not he'd been to daycare. I said no and her jaw about hit the floor. She asked if he had ever been to preschool. I said yes, for one and a half years, 2 mornings a week. She said 'Is that all?' with a disapproving look. I walked out of there wondering if I had made some horrible faux pas by raising my own child full-time. Little did I know that, in today's society, I most certainly had.
What the bloody hell is wrong with everybody? Why does Johnny need to know to hang his coat up and put his shoes in a row by the age of 2? Why does Julia have to know how to line up by the age of 3 and be perfectly content to share every single toy? When five-year-old Cassandra hits Billy because he told her he didn't want to play, parents are called in for a full-out meeting with the school counselor.
Children don't need structured educational centers to learn how to co-habitate. They need guidance from parents and some interaction with their peers, sure. But they can get that interaction in a variety of ways and will learn to get along with other people in their own way, in their own time. We impose far too many expectations on little minds for our own comfort. We feel pressured to institutionalize them for no other reason than because, if we don't, they'll be singled out. Imagine: they might be the only ones in a group developping the way nature intended! What an embarrassment!
I'd like to take the word 'socialization' out of our vocabulary. It's a nasty word that breeds insecurity among parents, myself included at one time.
In closing: eat some bon-bons, put your feet up, let your kids play with makeshift swords (apparently bubble wands work wonders), don't freak out if your child gets hit because he'll get over it, throw away the flashcards and just relax, already. You might find you actually *gasp* enjoy parenting!