Lately I've been thinking about the kind of person I am and the kind of people I want as friends. My social circle has never been huge, but has become smaller in the last few months. There are several reasons for this:
1. In case you haven't noticed, I'm very weird.
2. In case you haven't noticed, I'm very self-centered.
3. In case you haven't noticed, I have an odd sense of humour some people may find somewhat... offensive.
4. I sometimes think I'm better than other people. There, I've said it. And I know it's very bad and wrong and not true at all, but sometimes I feel that way. I believe the term is 'grandiose'.
Example: When I was in rehab 15 years ago, they had a system where, after three months (of a six month program) we would be come 'senior residents'. Seniors were in charge of watching over everyone else. We supervised chores, language, attitude, etc. We handed out consequences and reported to staff members. It was a wonderful job and I was damn good at it. I thrived in that role, even. Shortly thereafter, all my fellow recovering addicts stopped talking to me. Obviously, they were jealous about my rise to glory. After a few short days the staff decided I couldn't be a senior anymore. Something about me "power-tripping". "Abusing my authority". I was being "grandiose". Imagine: ME. The Maven. The wise woman with all the answers. Grandiose! Perish the thought. After a few weeks of utter humility, I was given my priviledges back. Apparently this lesson can take a little longer than few short weeks to learn. Try 15+ years. Hey, I'm a work in progress.
5. Obviously, I think I'm better than people because I know I'm not actually better than them and in fact feel inferior deep down. That's called "insecurity". I'm very good at that, too.
6. I like people to be more like me. Everyone should be more like me because I do things right (see #4 and 5) I sort of like me, so if you're like me I'll like you. Maybe. But you can't be too much like me or that'll annoy me because I actually don't like me very much.
As you can see, I'm a fairly together person. I have no clue why I don't have a lot of friends. What's wrong with people? Why can't they just accept me for who I am? Why do these things keep happening to me?
Oh, I forgot one:
7. I'm the very best victim in the world. Nothing is my fault. It's all yours. YOURS! You're doing this to me. Stop making me feel so lousy. It's unfair and you're a big bully.
*ahem*
Anyway, I've started reaching out some more again. Getting out of my shell, shedding my old skin (I'm almost 30, so I'm about due for a molting), remembering my imperfections. Calling people back. Yes, I actually call people back now. Who knew my phone could make outbound calls, too? And I actually get together with people. I, like, make plans. And I generally keep them. And I generally enjoy myself and appreciate their company and don't feel like I'm gracing them with my presence.
Going back to 12 step meetings has been so good for me. I forgot how completely screwed up I am. I mean, I really thought I had my life together: Great husband, 2.5 kids, cute little house, garden in the front with most of the flowers still alive, wearing a matching tracksuit ensemble to take the kids to the park... So I head back to meetings and suddenly I realize what an utter fraud I am. I forgot how refreshing that is. Every time I go I find myself surrounded by people who are older and wiser than I am, with a better perspective on life. I actually shut up and listen to other people talk about their lives. That whole "being quiet" thing is strange.
Today when I was standing outside pre-meeting, one of the members who's very active in that community pointed someone out across the street. "See her? She's about as pregnant as you are. She's also a crack addict and she's waiting for her next trick."
This woman was holding a little life inside of her and was selling herself for drugs. And you know, the strangest thing happened: I didn't feel better than her. I just felt very, very, fortunate. I held my belly tight and thanked my stars that, as stupid and messed up as I am a lot of the time, I was given this chance at a better life. I don't know why I was, but I was. Her and I are cut from the same cloth. I could be her. She could be me. I'll never know why we're on different paths.
Anyway, my friends are bound to get sick of me in the next little while, as I call and make more plans with them. I might be a challenge to deal with on a regular basis, but I figure my kids have to get it somewhere. Do them a favour and teach them that they, too, can be difficult and still have people in their lives, ok? It's ok to lie to children sometimes, especially when you're bribed with coffee (which I can supply endless amounts of).
Off to read and get some sleep. Being this full of myself takes a lot of work.
1. In case you haven't noticed, I'm very weird.
2. In case you haven't noticed, I'm very self-centered.
3. In case you haven't noticed, I have an odd sense of humour some people may find somewhat... offensive.
4. I sometimes think I'm better than other people. There, I've said it. And I know it's very bad and wrong and not true at all, but sometimes I feel that way. I believe the term is 'grandiose'.
Example: When I was in rehab 15 years ago, they had a system where, after three months (of a six month program) we would be come 'senior residents'. Seniors were in charge of watching over everyone else. We supervised chores, language, attitude, etc. We handed out consequences and reported to staff members. It was a wonderful job and I was damn good at it. I thrived in that role, even. Shortly thereafter, all my fellow recovering addicts stopped talking to me. Obviously, they were jealous about my rise to glory. After a few short days the staff decided I couldn't be a senior anymore. Something about me "power-tripping". "Abusing my authority". I was being "grandiose". Imagine: ME. The Maven. The wise woman with all the answers. Grandiose! Perish the thought. After a few weeks of utter humility, I was given my priviledges back. Apparently this lesson can take a little longer than few short weeks to learn. Try 15+ years. Hey, I'm a work in progress.
5. Obviously, I think I'm better than people because I know I'm not actually better than them and in fact feel inferior deep down. That's called "insecurity". I'm very good at that, too.
6. I like people to be more like me. Everyone should be more like me because I do things right (see #4 and 5) I sort of like me, so if you're like me I'll like you. Maybe. But you can't be too much like me or that'll annoy me because I actually don't like me very much.
As you can see, I'm a fairly together person. I have no clue why I don't have a lot of friends. What's wrong with people? Why can't they just accept me for who I am? Why do these things keep happening to me?
Oh, I forgot one:
7. I'm the very best victim in the world. Nothing is my fault. It's all yours. YOURS! You're doing this to me. Stop making me feel so lousy. It's unfair and you're a big bully.
*ahem*
Anyway, I've started reaching out some more again. Getting out of my shell, shedding my old skin (I'm almost 30, so I'm about due for a molting), remembering my imperfections. Calling people back. Yes, I actually call people back now. Who knew my phone could make outbound calls, too? And I actually get together with people. I, like, make plans. And I generally keep them. And I generally enjoy myself and appreciate their company and don't feel like I'm gracing them with my presence.
Going back to 12 step meetings has been so good for me. I forgot how completely screwed up I am. I mean, I really thought I had my life together: Great husband, 2.5 kids, cute little house, garden in the front with most of the flowers still alive, wearing a matching tracksuit ensemble to take the kids to the park... So I head back to meetings and suddenly I realize what an utter fraud I am. I forgot how refreshing that is. Every time I go I find myself surrounded by people who are older and wiser than I am, with a better perspective on life. I actually shut up and listen to other people talk about their lives. That whole "being quiet" thing is strange.
Today when I was standing outside pre-meeting, one of the members who's very active in that community pointed someone out across the street. "See her? She's about as pregnant as you are. She's also a crack addict and she's waiting for her next trick."
This woman was holding a little life inside of her and was selling herself for drugs. And you know, the strangest thing happened: I didn't feel better than her. I just felt very, very, fortunate. I held my belly tight and thanked my stars that, as stupid and messed up as I am a lot of the time, I was given this chance at a better life. I don't know why I was, but I was. Her and I are cut from the same cloth. I could be her. She could be me. I'll never know why we're on different paths.
Anyway, my friends are bound to get sick of me in the next little while, as I call and make more plans with them. I might be a challenge to deal with on a regular basis, but I figure my kids have to get it somewhere. Do them a favour and teach them that they, too, can be difficult and still have people in their lives, ok? It's ok to lie to children sometimes, especially when you're bribed with coffee (which I can supply endless amounts of).
Off to read and get some sleep. Being this full of myself takes a lot of work.