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| "Scream" - Edvard Munchs via Flickr. |
I first noticed my lip stain was missing when I reached into
the makeup bag five minutes before leaving for a speaking engagement. You know,
the pretty pink one I spent $18 on at Sephora that makes me look less like a
corpse in pictures.
I pulled open drawers and frantically rummaged around, to no
avail. I threw open the medicine cabinet, my eyes scanning the spaces between
cotton swabs and bottles of astringent. Nothing.
My heart raced. I didn’t have time to reapply my eyeshadow
to match another lip colour. This type of thing is a precise art, y’all.
Then, suddenly, I knew what had happened. It was one of them.
You know: them. The ones who also wear makeup.
The ones who also have lips that need tinting. The trans women I live
with. There are two of them in our little house: my wife and my daughter.
“Zoe!” I called downstairs to my spouse.
“Yeah?” she answered sweetly.
“Do you have my nice lip stain?”
“Oh, you mean the one we bought at Sephora?” she asked as
she came upstairs looking all gorgeous like it’s no big thang. “It’s in my purse.
Do you want it?”
In her purse? What
a monster.
My first thought was to call my local government and see
about getting a bathroom bill put in place to ban her from using my shit. But
apparently trans people in Ontario, Canada are “protected by law” against “discrimination”
and “can use the bathroom of their choice.” Whatever.
I’m clearly traumatized by experiences like this one. And
who could blame me? One time, I went to use my conditioner – the one I bought
at the salon that makes my curls really nice – only to realize my daughter had
used the last of it. On her straight
hair.
“Why are you using my nice conditioner?!” I asked her.
“Because it smells nice and makes my hair soft,” she
replied.
Oh. My. God.
They should just have their own bathroom. Because here I am,
living as a woman for 39 years without a care in the world, and then BAM! My
whole life is disrupted in the last couple of years by these ladies
appropriating my things? That’s not cool.
So many people are afraid
of trans women using the bathrooms they feel comfortable with. But theirs is a
theoretical fear. An imaginary panic. It’s not about child molesters or
rapists. That’s purely fabricated nonsense created by folks who know nothing
about actual trans people. They’re just using laws to discriminate against a
population they fear.
But I know what I’m talking about. I’m on the frontlines
every day. I’m a survivor.
Women in public
bathrooms, you have nothing to fear; trust me on this one. This girl has
done her research to find real reasons to fear trans people. Because if there was any way to get someone to stay the hell out of my side of the makeup case, you
better believe I’m going to find it.
Sadly, it seems trans
people are just like the rest of us: they want to pee, wash their hands,
maybe touch up their lips with expensive tint blatantly stolen from their
wives, and go about the rest of their day.
No, public bathrooms aren't a problem. The real issue is bathrooms in homes like mine all over the world. That’s
where the terrible things happen.
Thankfully, that’s really nothing for you to worry
about, unless you care how my hair looks. And because I shared my perilous real life experience with you, you can now rest easy, free of worry over the trans woman in the stall next to you. You're welcome.