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| Image credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/gazeronly/8206734246/ |
It’s Not a Phase
One of my very first thoughts after Gutsy came out was “is
this a phase?” It seemed like a valid concern at the time. The idea of someone
feeling vastly different on the inside than they appear on the outside is alien
to most of us. In the last year, it’s become the question people ask me most.
But statistically speaking, the vast majority of trans children
my daughter’s age tend to stay the course for the rest of their lives. Just like I absolutely knew I was a female at
12, so does she. The direction her pubescent body was going in wasn’t the right
one, which rang all kinds of internal alarm bells and ultimately lead to her
coming out to us. I’m so glad she did. This is the beginning of a whole new
life for her.
But as a side note, if she were to tell us tomorrow that she
feels differently, I wouldn’t regret a single decision we’ve made. Our job as
parents is to meet our kids where they’re at, listen to them, and support them
– which leads me to point #2.
Family and Community
Support Matters
Even at the glorious I-know-better-than-you age of twelve,
Gutsy is a family-oriented kid. I can’t even begin to imagine how she would
have felt if we had dismissed her, disbelieved her, or tried to force her into
accepting her body through brutal methods like conversion therapy. If that had not lead her to make an attempt
on her life (like 43% of the Canadian transgender population), she would have
at least left her childhood with some big emotional scars.
Support matters – a lot – to all of us. But it especially
matters when you’re feeling scared, alone and vulnerable. It matters when you
feel different and like no one understands you. So as parents, we strive to
understand and support her as best we can. If that not only allows my child to
stay alive but to full on thrive, sign me up.
We love that our extended family, friends and neighbours all support
her, too. It makes her life so much better.
Respect the Pronouns
It was important to our child that we use the correct
pronouns. She identifies as female, so we use “she” and “her.” Pronouns are
part of everyone’s gender identity, and being misgendered – for example, being
mistakenly or purposefully called “sir” when you’re a woman – is hard for many
of us. But it can be incredibly painful to a trans or gender fluid person.
One of the things I’ve learned this year is that gender,
like sexual orientation, is a spectrum, and there’s a big middle ground that is
fluid. Some people don’t identify as male or female, or feel they’re a mix of
both. Some use pronouns like “they” or
“zhe” rather than male or female ones. Their pronoun choices are just as valid.
If you’re not sure about what pronouns to use, ask the
person, and honour what they tell you. And
if you slip up, that’s ok. You’re trying and that’s what’s important. That
validation from others can mean so much.
I know it means the world to my kiddo.
Her Transition is as
Unique as She is
“Transition” is the state of moving from living as one
gender to the other. It can take months or years, or remain in a constant state
of flux.
Some trans girls or women can’t wait to start wearing
dresses and makeup and great shoes. Gutsy is not one of those girls. She moved
slowly from male clothing to gender-neutral female clothing. She now wears far
brighter, feminine colours like pinks and yellows and vibrant greens. I won’t lie:
shopping with her these days is so much
fun.
But just try getting her into a dress. Go on, I’ll film it.
It’ll be like trying to put a tutu on a lion. She has absolutely no interest in
wearing one or putting on makeup outside of special occasions. She finds a
purse cumbersome and loves a good pair of sneakers.
Gutsy is not extremely feminine. But her gender expression – how she shows off her
femininity - doesn’t make her gender identity
less valid. How many tomboyish girls do you know? How many women don’t wear
makeup or high heels and run as far away from skirts as they can? That’s my
daughter. Her transition, thus far, is not a frilly froufrou one. Will it be that
way down the line? As she gets more comfortable in her new outward identity,
she might experiment some more. Or she might not. Only time will tell. It’s her
life, her transition, her body, and she can make those decisions.
Being Trans is Only a Part of Her Identity
I write a lot about having a transgender child. I’ve penned
articles, and given interviews and talks about this topic because I’m
passionate about raising awareness. But I want to make something abundantly
clear: being transgender is only part of
who my daughter is.
Just as I wouldn’t introduce her with, “this is Gutsy, my
asthmatic child,” I don’t put a huge amount of emphasis on her being trans in
our everyday. I say, “This is my daughter, Gutsy” because that’s exactly who
she is. She’s also a granddaughter, sister and niece. She’s a talented
musician, avid computer geek and gamer, and a good friend to those who know
her. She likes Futurama and peanut
butter cups. She’s a whole lot of things, and she just happens to be trans.
It’s important that we don’t make someone’s gender identity
their entire identity.
I could write an entire book about the
things I’ve learned in the last year (Hey, guess what? I am!), but those are some of the most important.
Now go forth and raise some trans visibility! Share a supportive article or
blog post. Write a quick Facebook status to let people know trans lives matter. Visibility and support are crucial in helping
marginalized populations feel less alone. You could save a life today.
And as always, thank you for supporting my child and the strong, vibrant and inspiring community she belongs to.