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| Ladies and gentlemen, my Kryptonite. |
"So, let me get this straight," my husband said to
me in the kitchen a couple of days ago. "You're trying to tell me that
there's a large man who dresses like an M&M and walks his dog around the
neighbourhood every day?"
"Well, no. I mean, yes. Sort of. He doesn't dress in a
costume or anything," I corrected.
"Then how is he dressed like an M&M?" asked
Intrepid the teenaged son.
"He has a yellow Peanut M&M racing jacket with an
M&Ms ball cap and matching pajama bottoms," I explained. "He's
extremely well-themed. I'm a little jealous."
"And he has a small dog?" Geekster asked, shooting
Intrepid an amused look.
I was not so amused. "Yes. Like a Shih Tzu or whatever.
I don't know. Who can pay attention to a dog breed when chocolate is walking by
the house?"
"So a large man dressed in M&M gear walks a very
small dog by this window every
day." There might have been some deep-voiced giggling.
"Yes," I stated.
"Funny, I haven't seen him," Intrepid said.
"Me neither," added Geekster.
I sighed. "He comes by shortly after you guys leave for
work and school."
"Of course he does. So convenient," Geekster said,
looking at his son.
"Very," the teenager agreed, and they nodded in
unison.
"You know, I put this up as a Facebook status earlier
and nobody questioned me. The Facebook people are so much nicer than the real
life people."
"No, the Facebook people have simply adjusted to how
crazy you are," my husband offered, kindly.
"He's real! I'm telling you!"
"It's interesting how he's dressed in your favourite chocolate
brand, mom. You know, of all themed outfits he could be wearing."
"Has anyone else
seen him? Maybe Mike and Keri down the road?" my soon-to-be-ex-husband inquired.
"I asked, but no. That's just because they're not
looking, though. I have totally seen him walk by their house before!"
"Sounds fishy to me," Intrepid said.
"Chocolately, even," replied his father.
"I hate you guys," I muttered, unimpressed.
Yesterday, as I was scraping off the car, Peanut M&M Man
walked by again.
Sort of.
I texted my husband before leaving.
Me: K he totally
walked right by the house just now and he's switched up his game for winter.
Miami Dolphins jacket and required matching pajama pants. And he has a
miniature collie, not a Shih Tzu.
Geekster: Not.
Real.
Me: He's totally
legit!
Geekster: LOL
Geekster and Intrepid made sure to remind me that I've been
under a lot of stress lately, what with the whole back-to-school workload and
such, and that maybe I'm fabricating giant theme-wearing men with tiny dogs to
grapple with it.
And then I reminded them that PMS week is fast approaching
and I tend to feel a little stabby around then, so they might want to tone it
the fuck down.
Geekster and Intrepid insist on photo evidence, but they
don't understand the complexity of this request. You don't just simply walk up
to Bigfoot and take his picture. They always end up blurry and everybody thinks
it's just your drunk cousin wearing a costume and you become the laughing stock
of the cryptozoology world. Those are problems I just don't need.
This morning, my skeptical spouse said, "You should
just go up and talk to him. Ask him to walk by the house at a time when
everyone is home. It's easy!"
"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because the man is a delicate ecosystem of greatness,
and I don't want to disrupt that ecosystem. Did you learn nothing from biology
class? Be home around 9:30 sometime and see for yourself. "
"I have this thing called work."
I looked at him with great sadness. "Then you'll never
know what I know."
"You are the strangest person I have ever met." He
kissed me on the forehead.
"And that's why I fit so nicely into this
neighbourhood," I replied, proudly.
I maintain that there is a large man in beautifully themed
clothing that walks his small dog by my house each morning. He's magnificent
like a unicorn, and perhaps only shows himself to those who are worthy.
Or those who make coffee by the front window every morning.
One of those.