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I am trying to figure out how to have really good sex talks with you. And not just because that's the type of discussion parents need to have with their kids because all the magazines and experts say we should. And not even because I think any previous sex talks have been lousy (I'm pretty sure they haven't been. Have you met me?!)
But lately, as you've gotten older and one of you is now dating and one of you is about to hit puberty and one of you is exposed to the mighty internet box and its confusing messages at a much younger age than I would like, I'm realizing I'm going to have to up my game a little. Shit's gotten real around here.
Confession time: a part of me was relieved when I realized we were only going to have boys to raise. Boys are easy, I figured. Boys have privilege. You're born with penises, and that gives you a huge leg up (or maybe a third leg up), even in our progressive society.
It meant I could worry a little less about you walking alone at night, or developing an eating disorder, or being physically harmed by someone who is supposed to love you. It meant I probably didn't have to worry about you dumbing yourself down in class to impress the opposite sex, or dressing outside your comfort zone in the hopes your crush would notice you, or someone taking advantage of you when you've had too much to drink. All those things I did, that my friends did, that we struggled with as we desperately fished around in a pool of media messages to find our lost confidence, our rods coming up empty for years.
And the sex talks? Well, those should be much simpler, right? Wear a condom. Be kind. No means no. Easy boy stuff.
I thought I had dodged a giant pink bullet.
I was wrong.
There is so much responsibility in raising a son. Maybe it's different in some ways than raising a daughter, but it's not without its challenges. I've learned so much about men while in the trenches of parenthood. You are far more sensitive and thoughtful than you let on by the time your voice deepens. You care deeply and you struggle with your own confidence issues. You definitely need a good female role model. I want nothing more than to be that role model.
Lately, I've been listening more intently to the music you've been exposed to over the years. I've been paying attention to what's at the top of the charts when Santa sticks an iTunes card in your stocking. And I'm getting worried. Our culture is ripe with messages of female submission. It's telling us that women bending to a man's will in the bedroom is the norm.
Rihanna, a woman who was beaten by her boyfriend, sings:
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But whips and chains excite me
Lady Gaga belts out in her latest song:
You can't have my heart,
and you won't use my mind,
But do what you want with my body.
And Nickelback's lyrics from their song "Figured You Out" include:
I love your lack of self-respect
While you're passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck,
Ok, I know. These songs are catchy (even the Nickelback one, as much as I hate to admit it) and, if you're an adult with a stable mind, you will probably not be adversely affected by those lyrics. You can filter them out, decide not to apply them to your life. You can recognize that these songs are likely a reflection of the S&M-based books like 50 Shades of Grey filtering through the mainstream right now.
But if you're a kid and you're growing up with media messages that are screaming at you to treat women as lesser beings, what are you supposed to think? That has to be all kinds of confusing. Is that how all women like to be treated? Am I supposed to take what I want? Do what I want? And that's where I come in (and your dad does, too. But this isn't his blog so he only gets a little bit of airtime.) That's where I do my job, and I hope I have enough influence and enough of your respect that you will listen to me.
And that's why we'll talk a lot about consent, and how and when that consent is given. We'll discuss inebriation - both yours and hers (or his, depending on your orientation) and how that can affect judgment. I'll tell you that even if someone is giving you permission to "do what you want" to their body, there are always limits, and they must be respected. I'll explain that not every woman likes to be dominated, and that many prefer gentle lovemaking and balance between the sheets. That sexual chemistry is a dynamic dance that involves a great deal of communication.
Someday, I might tell you that I'm not just your mom, but a rape survivor. That I will forever live with the emotional scars of what he did to me. And that there are a lot of girls and women just like me out there who wince a little when they hear lyrics like the ones above - even if the songs are damn catchy. That maybe, by teaching our sons to respect their partners and decipher confusing media messages, we are healing ourselves, empowering our kids, and hopefully making the next generation of girls feel safer.
So, yeah. Sex talks? With your mom? Those are tricky, even from the perspective of an open-minded, fairly liberal, stupendously awesome parent like yours truly. But let's keep having them, ok?
And if you don't roll your eyes, I promise not to start dressing as Lady Gaga when I pick you up from school. Everybody wins.
Luckily yours,
Mom