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| Every day they're shufflin'. |
If movies like Zombieland and
Whether the catalyst is a superbug, GMO popcorn or the closing of the majority of Starbucks locations, zombies are going to overrun our streets and homes. True story. Hollywood never lies.
If that isn't bad enough, some folks are going to have a hard time finding and maintaining close post-apocalyptic friendships. I mean, there's the whole population issue; many people had difficulty making friends when there were seven billion people to choose from. What are we going to do when that number is drastically reduced? To make matters worse, shows like The Walking Dead demonstrate that those who have survived the uprising tend to have unstable minds and major character flaws. Some are outright douchebags, and most will turn on you over a backpack full of stale food.
Not exactly golf buddy material, if you ask me.
If we can't get along with the few remaining humans, how are we supposed to build a social circle again? Zombies, that's how.
Everyone thinks zombies are the enemy. But that's a blanket statement that is hurtful and, frankly, prejudice. Shame on you. Zombies have their uses, and in fact can be productive members of society. They don't swear, they eat leftovers, they're very determined... And think about it: when is the last time you saw the undead driving an SUV? Never, that's when. And that means zombies are environmentally conscious, to boot; another one of their great qualities.
There are many sound reasons to choose the undead to break bread - or, um, skulls - with. Here are some tips to making it a lasting friendship:
It's best to befriend only a single undead at a time. They tend to be a little... intense. Having two or three in a room with you might get a bit uncomfortable.
Zombies are great listeners. They don't tend to talk much and it's almost like they want to get inside your head. You will never feel misunderstood.
You will never have to share clothes with a zombie. Their style tends to start and end at 1994 grunge. Your closet will always be safe.
Zombies are natural egalitarians. They don't care if you're tall or short, fat or thin, a pop star or a poptart. They'll want to get close to you no matter who you are. That has to feel special.
Zombies help you keep that big ego of yours in check. The last thing you want is for your head to get bigger and more noticeable. Trust me.
Zombies make great running partners. They generally like it if you lead, though.
Some business ventures to avoid with your ZFF: animal rescue, orphanage, cranial massage studio.
Opening a butcher shop, on the other hand, is a sound idea. You will want to discuss what types of meat you're serving in advance, however, just to avoid confusion - and mysterious customer disappearances.
If, one day, your zombie friend moans "want inside you," breathe easy: they're not trying to cross that awkward line into romance.
Extra bonus: you will always be the pretty friend. If that isn't incentive right there, I don't know what is.
I don't know about you, but I'm totally sold.
In short, if you're struggling to meet a BFF after society has fallen, why not throw a fishhook full of spoiled meat into an alley and reel yourself in a new one?