The Maven's Guide to Hospital Wall Art

So, here we are, just you and me.

It's been exactly two weeks since Spawnling fell ill with the oh-so-fun Kawasaki Disease. Of course, we didn't know what it was back then. I just thought he had some silly little virus his body would fight off. Oh, Maven! You know so very little, and yet you still manage to be full of awesome. Incredible, isn't it?

The last time I wrote I was feeling terribly sorry for myself and my family. It was a fairly dark post for me, wasn't it? Probably shocked the hell out of my regular readership that I had feelings that went beyond the sarcastic. "Am I seeing things correctly? The Maven feels... sadness? And worry and... and pain?"

Sometimes, but only if I don't have chocolate cake in my mouth. Chocolate cake makes all my feelings taste like sugar.

Fittingly, Pixie took me out for cake today. It reminded me of our pre-Kawasaki life, when I actually felt comfortable leaving Spawnling for more than two minute stretches and did that thing called 'laughing' everyone thinks is so necessary. At first I wanted to cry because I couldn't check to see if my baby has a fever every five seconds (which, incidentally, means we'd have to go back to the hospital immediately for observation), or to make sure that everyone who's touched anything from the outside washes their hands before entering the home of the Germ Annihilator (that would be me, in case you were wondering).

But then Pixie started to talk about work, and guys, and kids, and all that other stuff we talk about, and an odd feeling washed over me: enjoyment. As it turns out, there is life on the other side of trauma that involves cake and happiness. This is very good news.

Now that I'm feeling quite a bit like I used to before my heart was ripped out and put through a blender, I'm going to lighten things up a little bit around here. So, without further ado, may I introduce 'The Maven's Guide to Hospital Wall Art', a collection of pictures up in the hallways of the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario, or CHEO for short.


Oookay. Let's start with this little beauty. Everybody is really happy in this picture. It could be because they were playing baseball and kicked the other team's ass, hence the trophy. It could also be because they're out without the kids, which would make pretty much any one smile no matter what they're doing. Except they're not completely alone, because Toothless Timmy is hanging out behind the ghetto fence hoping something exciting is about to happen. Maybe the big guy at the bottom is going to unplug the cyborg machine from his ear and slap the guy above him for putting a glove on his head during picture time. Jerk.


You can't see it clearly, but this picture is entitled 'My Mother is Beautiful'. This child's mother is especially beautiful because her face looks like Christmas.


This was a section of poster in the Psychology department waiting room (I walked around most waiting rooms while there, but this one felt the most comfortable for some reason). I am well informed after reading this poster on how to prevent sexual abuse. I learned, for example, that little man-children with big heads and scowls on their faces are the most likely to be targeted by pedophiles, and that wearing a speedo and running shoes makes you very assertive, kind of like a superhero. You tell off that disgusting pervert, Little Man Child!


... But...but what if your parents or teacher want to take your picture? I looked and looked but couldn't find the answers on the poster. I'm now more at risk than ever thanks to questions that have gone unanswered. I feel confused.

Do you like Beatrix Potter? I like Beatrix Potter. All those cute little animals she wrote about. Bunnies and frogs and squirrels and the like. The Tale of Squirrel Nutkin was my favourite B. P. story growing up. I always pictured him bright eyed and bushy tailed, climbing trees and such.

... And then I saw this in the CHEO library. And, while it's not wall art, it needs an honorable mention.


... What the bloody hell?! I'm absolutely terrified. It looks like Tim Burton got a hold of a perfectly good Beatrix Potter story and mangled it by adding in an army of zombie squirrels and an owl who should have been taking pictures on the pedophile poster. Who decided this was at all cute or child friendly? We want to make them better, not give them new issues.


There is so much going on here that I don't know where to start. The picture is called 'The Brave Zoo Keeper' and it was drawn by a Chinese child. Apparently they have robots at their zoos in China, and they wash lions, give them pudding and pull carts full of pears as the happy children look on behind the dangerously low concrete wall. Oh, but what's this? Is that a floating man with a remote control? Why, that must be the zoo keeper! I don't know if I'm more impressed by his levitation skills or by the fact that he has a universal remote for all those robots. Either way, I now want to move to China.

Think fast: You're in the 80's, it's 2:20, there are two phones dangling from the ceiling and you have a dress made out of the office lounge curtains. What do you do? I would have said 'leave early and buy a less fugly dress', but apparently this working girl has other ideas.


Shhh. There, there. Now, Ken. I want you to listen to me very carefully: DO NOT MOVE. By the looks of things you've been in a horrific, limb-shattering accident and your entire spine has migrated into your neck. Try to stay very still on the Barbie bed while I get some help, ok?

I will be giving CHEO some money for new wall art. Oh, and maybe some less important things like medical supplies. You can, too.