Rejoice, for I am back from the dead!
Or, rather, the toilet bowl. Stomach flus are incredibly... motivating. Nothing makes me get up and run more than the idea of needing new pants. I probably burned 800 calories in bathroom trips alone. I feel skinnier already!
That was too much info, wasn't it? Probably. Regardless, I have undoubtedly put some worried minds at rest. After not blogging for, like, a day and a half, there were sure to be rumours of my untimely demise. I'm thrilled to report I have not yet died and can once again fill everyone's heart with joy and heads with wonder.
Now that you've dried the sorrow from your eyes, I will go forth with this week's advice column. I was sad that I only received a single question this week. Don't you trust me with your life's problems? Don't you believe I can help you fix your "issues"? I'm the freaking Maven, people! I'm capable for scaling tall buildings while simultaneously talking to you about your crotchety mother-in-law who hired someone to off you because she heard you don't believe in me. That's the type of person I am. I'm hurt that you can't see that.
I'm done making the guilt sandwich, now. I'm sure my inbox will fill with apologies and help requests now. Right? RIGHT?
Right. Damn it.
Don't make me call your mother-in-law.
Onward:
My questions for you Mrs Maven is this: How do you stay sane with 4 males in your house? How exactly does one stay sane, after all? Is there like some magic powder or juice that I could drink to stay as sane and organized as you are Maven?
Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan Who Thinks You're Really, Really Awesome And Gorgeous, Too.
Dear Bob (sorry, had to shorten your name a little),
If there's one thing this egomaniac enjoys doing it's talking about herself. Three questions instead of one? I feel like I raped a slot machine and am rolling around naked in all the...
...
Nevermind.
How do I stay sane with 4 males in the house? It's easier than it might look. Sure, I don't have My Little Pony parties or spa afternoons with girl children like some of you other moms. Sure, I trip over Rescue Heroes and Duplo monsters every time I head to the playroom to break up a fight (and by "fight" I mean actual fight, and not one of those girly fights where they pull each other's hair once or twice and then pout in separate corners for an hour). I find things with tweezers that should never see the inside of an ear canal, and use duct tape to fix broken dollar store swords. The only pink in the house can be found deep inside my closet and I sometimes open the door just to stare at it so I can remember what the colour looks like.
But you know what? I kind of like it. I'm built for boys. I like to hike and roll in the grass and build forts and use my plastic dinosaur to attack other people's plastic dinosaurs. (Grownups who don't own their own plastic dinosaurs can't be in my Special Club Of People Who Like To Have Pretend Dinosaur Fights). I like to be a pirate and watch scary pirate movies, yar! I'd much rather watch a basketball game than a ballet recital, or make a disgusting zombie costume over a pretty fairy princess one. It's not that I wouldn't do those things if I had a girl - or any child, regardless of gender - who enjoyed them. But since we're talking about me and my sanity, this is what keeps me sane-ish: Rough and tumble, boyish fun.
The other part of the equation is having a lot of girlfriends to do girly things with, and making sure that a good portion of them have female children for me to interact with.
Then, satisfied with my fix, I go home and remind my boys not to eat their own snot.
Is there a magic powder to stay sane and organized? I hear cocaine can really take you places. But I can't say I've tried it and I wouldn't recommend it. I've also heard it's addictive, if you're capable of getting addicted to stuff. I wouldn't know what that's like.
If you let juice sit out on the front porch in the middle of summer for a really, really long time and then drink it you might experience a hallucination in which you would feel put together with an organized life. Hey, it could happen. You could also die, but that's the risk of experimentation.
But if, after reading my blog and knowing a bit about me, you think I'm at all sane or organized, I would have to say there is no hope for you. You poor, poor thing. I think you're too far gone to ever experience sanity.
It's nice to know I have some company in here. We can spend our days babbling nonsensicals to each other.
Sincerely yours,
The Maven
*~*~*~*
Send your questions to mavenmayhem@gmail.com and I'll attempt to fix all life's problems. I'm good at that, and chocolate eating, too.
Or, rather, the toilet bowl. Stomach flus are incredibly... motivating. Nothing makes me get up and run more than the idea of needing new pants. I probably burned 800 calories in bathroom trips alone. I feel skinnier already!
That was too much info, wasn't it? Probably. Regardless, I have undoubtedly put some worried minds at rest. After not blogging for, like, a day and a half, there were sure to be rumours of my untimely demise. I'm thrilled to report I have not yet died and can once again fill everyone's heart with joy and heads with wonder.
Now that you've dried the sorrow from your eyes, I will go forth with this week's advice column. I was sad that I only received a single question this week. Don't you trust me with your life's problems? Don't you believe I can help you fix your "issues"? I'm the freaking Maven, people! I'm capable for scaling tall buildings while simultaneously talking to you about your crotchety mother-in-law who hired someone to off you because she heard you don't believe in me. That's the type of person I am. I'm hurt that you can't see that.
I'm done making the guilt sandwich, now. I'm sure my inbox will fill with apologies and help requests now. Right? RIGHT?
Right. Damn it.
Don't make me call your mother-in-law.
Onward:
My questions for you Mrs Maven is this: How do you stay sane with 4 males in your house? How exactly does one stay sane, after all? Is there like some magic powder or juice that I could drink to stay as sane and organized as you are Maven?
Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan Who Thinks You're Really, Really Awesome And Gorgeous, Too.
Dear Bob (sorry, had to shorten your name a little),
If there's one thing this egomaniac enjoys doing it's talking about herself. Three questions instead of one? I feel like I raped a slot machine and am rolling around naked in all the...
...
Nevermind.
How do I stay sane with 4 males in the house? It's easier than it might look. Sure, I don't have My Little Pony parties or spa afternoons with girl children like some of you other moms. Sure, I trip over Rescue Heroes and Duplo monsters every time I head to the playroom to break up a fight (and by "fight" I mean actual fight, and not one of those girly fights where they pull each other's hair once or twice and then pout in separate corners for an hour). I find things with tweezers that should never see the inside of an ear canal, and use duct tape to fix broken dollar store swords. The only pink in the house can be found deep inside my closet and I sometimes open the door just to stare at it so I can remember what the colour looks like.
But you know what? I kind of like it. I'm built for boys. I like to hike and roll in the grass and build forts and use my plastic dinosaur to attack other people's plastic dinosaurs. (Grownups who don't own their own plastic dinosaurs can't be in my Special Club Of People Who Like To Have Pretend Dinosaur Fights). I like to be a pirate and watch scary pirate movies, yar! I'd much rather watch a basketball game than a ballet recital, or make a disgusting zombie costume over a pretty fairy princess one. It's not that I wouldn't do those things if I had a girl - or any child, regardless of gender - who enjoyed them. But since we're talking about me and my sanity, this is what keeps me sane-ish: Rough and tumble, boyish fun.
The other part of the equation is having a lot of girlfriends to do girly things with, and making sure that a good portion of them have female children for me to interact with.
Then, satisfied with my fix, I go home and remind my boys not to eat their own snot.
Is there a magic powder to stay sane and organized? I hear cocaine can really take you places. But I can't say I've tried it and I wouldn't recommend it. I've also heard it's addictive, if you're capable of getting addicted to stuff. I wouldn't know what that's like.
If you let juice sit out on the front porch in the middle of summer for a really, really long time and then drink it you might experience a hallucination in which you would feel put together with an organized life. Hey, it could happen. You could also die, but that's the risk of experimentation.
But if, after reading my blog and knowing a bit about me, you think I'm at all sane or organized, I would have to say there is no hope for you. You poor, poor thing. I think you're too far gone to ever experience sanity.
It's nice to know I have some company in here. We can spend our days babbling nonsensicals to each other.
Sincerely yours,
The Maven
*~*~*~*
Send your questions to mavenmayhem@gmail.com and I'll attempt to fix all life's problems. I'm good at that, and chocolate eating, too.