Mondays are never miserable when Spawnling is around!
Today's amusement? Try getting Spawnling to say "bus". Go ahead and try. It's priceless.
When his brothers boarded theirs this morning, the toddler shouted out: "Trepid and Gussy in a butt! In a yewwo butt!"
He then went on to create a musical masterpiece as he sang about the "yewwo butt" while stomping his feet.
I love that kid.
***
Ever read the book Skinny Bitch? No?
Good. Don't.
My gift to everyone I care about is not to give them my copy when I'm finished with it.
I picked up the book thinking it would be a light, funny read. It has chapter titles like "Don't Be a Pussy" which made me giggle when I skimmed through it. They say naughty words throughout and it's written by two former models, which I assumed meant it would be shallow and pretentious.
For some unknown reason, I really enjoy shallow and pretentious.
Little did I know my "light read" would be wrought with tales of horror about meat, dairy, caffeine, sugar and even my beloved aspartame. Little did I realize I would go to sleep feeling sick to my stomach, vowing that I would never eat like that again.
So I gave up meat. Well, land meat. I still eat fish. Can I start a trend and call myself a land vegetarian?
But what if I want to cheat, you ask? What if I want, say, a big, delicious slice of turkey for Thanksgiving? What if my children want to taste Big Bird on Christmas Day? Would I deprive them of that just because I want to be a skinny (and ethical) bitch?
Absolutely not. I will simply pre-order a free-range turkey from a local farm and believe that I'm better than everyone else because of it.
Shallow and pretentious, see?
But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.
I didn't realize Friday would be my last day as a meatatarian, and yet it was the perfect one. It was one of those extremely rare situations where every meal was eaten out of the home and every one contained delicious meat: sausages at breakfast, hot dogs for lunch and a big, ol' Quarter Pounder for dinner. Then I came home and read the first half of the book, which made me want to carve everything out of my stomach and start the day over.
Saturday was meat-free-tastic. Sunday was more of the same, although I did have a bit of salmon with dinner (say it with me: land vegetarian).
Oh sure, the book suggested I give up dairy, caffeine, sugar and sweeteners. But one thing at a time, ok? First of all, I like a bit of sugar. Why must I go cold free-range, grain-fed turkey like that? Why can't I enjoy some Monkey Munch now and then? It even contains peanut butter, which we all know is an excellent meat substitute.
And cheese? I love cheese. I love it so much that if it had more holes I might have sex with it. Yogourt is another food I can't live without right now. It contains fruit and sometimes chocolate. Oh, and chocolate has dairy. The chocolate I like, anyway. Try and pry my hands away from it. Go on, try. I'll beat you over the head with a bag of leftover chicken breast from my freezer.
My lack of meat eating will save a minimum of 90 animals every year. That's almost saintly. Plus, I'll definitely get skinnier. There's just no way around it. I know there are fat vegetarians out there but I figure they really have to work at it.
My weight hasn't budged yet, but we're only at the start of day 3. Right now I'm plotting revenge on those ex-models who had to fool me into reading about how horrible my lifestyle was. They took my ignorance away. My beautiful, fluffly ignorance. Maybe I'll unknowingly serve them up a batch of non-vegan brownies made with eggs. That'll show 'em.
Oh, but they'll have to be free-range eggs because that's all I buy now. Damn them.
Off to the organic market *grumble*...
Today's amusement? Try getting Spawnling to say "bus". Go ahead and try. It's priceless.
When his brothers boarded theirs this morning, the toddler shouted out: "Trepid and Gussy in a butt! In a yewwo butt!"
He then went on to create a musical masterpiece as he sang about the "yewwo butt" while stomping his feet.
I love that kid.
***
Ever read the book Skinny Bitch? No?
Good. Don't.
My gift to everyone I care about is not to give them my copy when I'm finished with it.
I picked up the book thinking it would be a light, funny read. It has chapter titles like "Don't Be a Pussy" which made me giggle when I skimmed through it. They say naughty words throughout and it's written by two former models, which I assumed meant it would be shallow and pretentious.
For some unknown reason, I really enjoy shallow and pretentious.
Little did I know my "light read" would be wrought with tales of horror about meat, dairy, caffeine, sugar and even my beloved aspartame. Little did I realize I would go to sleep feeling sick to my stomach, vowing that I would never eat like that again.
So I gave up meat. Well, land meat. I still eat fish. Can I start a trend and call myself a land vegetarian?
But what if I want to cheat, you ask? What if I want, say, a big, delicious slice of turkey for Thanksgiving? What if my children want to taste Big Bird on Christmas Day? Would I deprive them of that just because I want to be a skinny (and ethical) bitch?
Absolutely not. I will simply pre-order a free-range turkey from a local farm and believe that I'm better than everyone else because of it.
Shallow and pretentious, see?
But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.
I didn't realize Friday would be my last day as a meatatarian, and yet it was the perfect one. It was one of those extremely rare situations where every meal was eaten out of the home and every one contained delicious meat: sausages at breakfast, hot dogs for lunch and a big, ol' Quarter Pounder for dinner. Then I came home and read the first half of the book, which made me want to carve everything out of my stomach and start the day over.
Saturday was meat-free-tastic. Sunday was more of the same, although I did have a bit of salmon with dinner (say it with me: land vegetarian).
Oh sure, the book suggested I give up dairy, caffeine, sugar and sweeteners. But one thing at a time, ok? First of all, I like a bit of sugar. Why must I go cold free-range, grain-fed turkey like that? Why can't I enjoy some Monkey Munch now and then? It even contains peanut butter, which we all know is an excellent meat substitute.
And cheese? I love cheese. I love it so much that if it had more holes I might have sex with it. Yogourt is another food I can't live without right now. It contains fruit and sometimes chocolate. Oh, and chocolate has dairy. The chocolate I like, anyway. Try and pry my hands away from it. Go on, try. I'll beat you over the head with a bag of leftover chicken breast from my freezer.
My lack of meat eating will save a minimum of 90 animals every year. That's almost saintly. Plus, I'll definitely get skinnier. There's just no way around it. I know there are fat vegetarians out there but I figure they really have to work at it.
My weight hasn't budged yet, but we're only at the start of day 3. Right now I'm plotting revenge on those ex-models who had to fool me into reading about how horrible my lifestyle was. They took my ignorance away. My beautiful, fluffly ignorance. Maybe I'll unknowingly serve them up a batch of non-vegan brownies made with eggs. That'll show 'em.
Oh, but they'll have to be free-range eggs because that's all I buy now. Damn them.
Off to the organic market *grumble*...