Dear friends and family,
See that? That, everyone, is the workings of a deranged mind.
I've had that stupid song in my head for about three hours in preparation for a jaunt to Fourbucks for a night time beverage with which to help with blogging.
I thought actually going there and getting the damn coffee would get it out of my head, but it hasn't. In fact, I came up with all twelve verses.
Annoyed yet? You shouldn't be. This is entirely your fault.
See, during the day I used to have a lot to do. I had a bunch of stay-at-home-mom friends, a mother who loved my company, a sister who only did school and work part-time and came over a great deal, a husband who was at his desk more often than not and several phone calls a day.
Now things have changed. I'm still poppin' bon-bons and sitting on the couch while a good portion of my previously at-home friends are doing their jobthingies (not to be confused with 'doing Jobthingy', which would be a whole other post). The phone remains silent for a good portion of the day. I call people and I talk to their answering machines. The messages I leave are sounding more and more like actual conversations:
"Hey, it's me. The funniest thing happened today *insert very long story complete with guffaws or swearing, depending on event*, anyway, I'll be home... Uh, all day... So call me. But not between 2 and 3, because Without a Trace is on."
The sister got herself a job, then left that job and I rejoiced because I thought we'd be able to spend time together while she hunted for another one. Then she just had to come down with the flu because she's so damn selfish. I do get a daily phone call, but deciphering what she has to say between hacking fits takes a great deal of concentration that I don't posess as of late. Plus, she sometimes calls between 2 and 3, which is so not cool.
The Madre, wanting to see me less often, decided the best and most permanent way would be to get sick. Now she has an abundance of excuses, including doctor appointments, tests to be run and the highly overused 'I'm really tired right now.'
I don't know how she could do that to me.
I thought you loved me, mom. That's just so selfish of you.
So what, exactly, do I have to occupy my time with? Well, I blog. And I think about blogging. And I read other people's blogs and try to come up with witty comments that very rarely pan out. I minimally post on a handful of web boards to avoid the mommy drama as much as possible (Team 1! Rah rah rah!), I have a television show I could possibly watch for virtually every hour of the day if I get that bored.
Oh! Oh, right. And the kids. Yes, the gremlins keep me company in their time-consuming, get-me-things, play-with-me, wipe-my-poopy-bum, clean-up-my-urine-puddle, make-me-food kind of way. I like those gremlins. But I wish they knew more about capitalism and it's long-reaching effects on humankind. I even had a Rescue Hero start to explain it once, but he was eaten by Gutsy's polar bear.
"Um, right. How do I explain this now? Ah, right: The Polar Bear is representative of evil capitalist bigwigs. Rocky Roads here represents the death of socialism, which is very sad and just as gory. See honey?"
He didn't see. He just turned his polar bear on Wendy Waters, AKA Public Health Care.
So as you can see, this is truly on your shoulders. If I had my old social life, I wouldn't be coming up with ridiculous remakes of Christmas carols that suit the activity I plan on doing.
I did do other things today, though. I put on four loads of laundry, for example. Yeah, I did! And I folded and put away zero of them because I'm so together. I also talked to an old friend about an old falling out and I think we're basically on good terms again. Writing two long emails in a single day was too much excitement for this Maven, let me tell you. Apologies to Lushgurl, who claims she hit the 'refresh' button 14 times while waiting for my most excellent post.
Sorry it's not most excellent. It was an emotional day for me, ok? If you make me cry more than I already have today I'll make Spawnling barf on you at the meeting on Friday. I'll overfeed the little demon right before we get there, I swear.
Oh, and Geekster? He's not only bogged down with meetings at work half the time (which, ironically, keep him from doing productive work on top of taking him away from relieving my boredom) but he's also smack dab in the middle of some courses he's taking. What happened to 'For rich or for poorer, in work or in school?'
(My attempts to convince him that the above was actually in our vows has so far failed. I'm going to keep trying, though.)
Oh, how I wish I had twelve refillable gift cards... Such a pipe dream, my song is.
I suppose I'm going to have to start taking the buck by the horns, the tiger by the tail, the minivan by the wheel... And start coming up with new ways to pass my time. Spawnling takes up a great deal of it right now, but he isn't normally... intellectually stimulating. I mean, he's a cuddlebug and he loves to babble, but I think I might be starting to understand what he's saying and that's probably a big, red flag that I need to speak to other adults more often.
I have been taking the gremlins for a walk every afternoon for the last few days. I want the Spawn to get some vitamin D through my milk and sun exposure as opposed to through nasty drops. I also kick my children off the cool spinny things in the new park and make them watch the baby while I have a turn. Then, to make up for my selfish ways, I chase them around the play structure and pretend to be a ghost from one of their The Real Ghostbusters cartoons. I do a great Sandman voice.
I can't figure out why nobody ever comes to the park when we're there...
I've also finally enrolled in university. The course I'm taking is definitely good for a laugh: a four-year BA with a major in psychology.
The Maven, psych major.
There. Now I have a stupid song stuck in my head and you have something to have a bad dream about.
Next time maybe you'll think twice before not calling enough, not writing enough, not leaving comments in my blog for me to respond to and not otherwise wasting my time enough.
You have singlehandedly created a monster. A monster who "helps" people.
I have a feeling my phone will be ringing bright and early tomorrow. You should assume that I'm expecting you to call. Assume that I'm mad at you, too. You could probably all form a great Team 2 right now.
On the first trip to Starbucks,
the barista made for me,
a soy vanilla latte, venti
On the second trip to Starbucks,
the barista made for me,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
See that? That, everyone, is the workings of a deranged mind.
I've had that stupid song in my head for about three hours in preparation for a jaunt to Fourbucks for a night time beverage with which to help with blogging.
On the third trip to Starbucks,
the barista made for me,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
I thought actually going there and getting the damn coffee would get it out of my head, but it hasn't. In fact, I came up with all twelve verses.
On the fourth trip to Starbucks,
the barista made for me,
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
Annoyed yet? You shouldn't be. This is entirely your fault.
See, during the day I used to have a lot to do. I had a bunch of stay-at-home-mom friends, a mother who loved my company, a sister who only did school and work part-time and came over a great deal, a husband who was at his desk more often than not and several phone calls a day.
On the fifth trip to Starbucks,
the barista made for me,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
Now things have changed. I'm still poppin' bon-bons and sitting on the couch while a good portion of my previously at-home friends are doing their jobthingies (not to be confused with 'doing Jobthingy', which would be a whole other post). The phone remains silent for a good portion of the day. I call people and I talk to their answering machines. The messages I leave are sounding more and more like actual conversations:
"Hey, it's me. The funniest thing happened today *insert very long story complete with guffaws or swearing, depending on event*, anyway, I'll be home... Uh, all day... So call me. But not between 2 and 3, because Without a Trace is on."
On the sixth trip to Starbucks
the barista made for me,
six pumpkin spices,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
The sister got herself a job, then left that job and I rejoiced because I thought we'd be able to spend time together while she hunted for another one. Then she just had to come down with the flu because she's so damn selfish. I do get a daily phone call, but deciphering what she has to say between hacking fits takes a great deal of concentration that I don't posess as of late. Plus, she sometimes calls between 2 and 3, which is so not cool.
On the seventh trip to Starbucks
the barista made for me,
seven tazo chais,
six pumpkin spices,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
The Madre, wanting to see me less often, decided the best and most permanent way would be to get sick. Now she has an abundance of excuses, including doctor appointments, tests to be run and the highly overused 'I'm really tired right now.'
I don't know how she could do that to me.
I thought you loved me, mom. That's just so selfish of you.
On the eighth trip to Starbucks
the barista made for me,
eight frappuccini,
seven tazo chais,
six pumpkin spices,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
So what, exactly, do I have to occupy my time with? Well, I blog. And I think about blogging. And I read other people's blogs and try to come up with witty comments that very rarely pan out. I minimally post on a handful of web boards to avoid the mommy drama as much as possible (Team 1! Rah rah rah!), I have a television show I could possibly watch for virtually every hour of the day if I get that bored.
On the ninth trip to Starbucks
the barista made for me,
nine apple ciders,
eight frappuccini,
seven tazo chais,
six pumpkin spices,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
Oh! Oh, right. And the kids. Yes, the gremlins keep me company in their time-consuming, get-me-things, play-with-me, wipe-my-poopy-bum, clean-up-my-urine-puddle, make-me-food kind of way. I like those gremlins. But I wish they knew more about capitalism and it's long-reaching effects on humankind. I even had a Rescue Hero start to explain it once, but he was eaten by Gutsy's polar bear.
"Um, right. How do I explain this now? Ah, right: The Polar Bear is representative of evil capitalist bigwigs. Rocky Roads here represents the death of socialism, which is very sad and just as gory. See honey?"
He didn't see. He just turned his polar bear on Wendy Waters, AKA Public Health Care.
On the tenth trip to Starbucks
the barista made for me,
ten white chocolate mochas,
nine apple ciders,
eight frappuccini,
seven tazo chais,
six pumpkin spices,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
So as you can see, this is truly on your shoulders. If I had my old social life, I wouldn't be coming up with ridiculous remakes of Christmas carols that suit the activity I plan on doing.
I did do other things today, though. I put on four loads of laundry, for example. Yeah, I did! And I folded and put away zero of them because I'm so together. I also talked to an old friend about an old falling out and I think we're basically on good terms again. Writing two long emails in a single day was too much excitement for this Maven, let me tell you. Apologies to Lushgurl, who claims she hit the 'refresh' button 14 times while waiting for my most excellent post.
Sorry it's not most excellent. It was an emotional day for me, ok? If you make me cry more than I already have today I'll make Spawnling barf on you at the meeting on Friday. I'll overfeed the little demon right before we get there, I swear.
On the eleventh trip to Starbucks
the barista made for me,
eleven green tea lattes,
ten white chocolate mochas,
nine apple ciders,
eight frappuccini,
seven tazo chais,
six pumpkin spices,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
Oh, and Geekster? He's not only bogged down with meetings at work half the time (which, ironically, keep him from doing productive work on top of taking him away from relieving my boredom) but he's also smack dab in the middle of some courses he's taking. What happened to 'For rich or for poorer, in work or in school?'
(My attempts to convince him that the above was actually in our vows has so far failed. I'm going to keep trying, though.)
On the twelfth trip to Starbucks
the barista made for me,
twelve refillable gift cards,
eleven green tea lattes,
ten white chocolate mochas,
nine apple ciders,
eight frappuccini,
seven tazo chais,
six pumpkin spices,
fiiiiive hot chocolates!
four macchiati,
three caffe mochas,
two cappuccini,
and a soy vanilla latte, venti!
Oh, how I wish I had twelve refillable gift cards... Such a pipe dream, my song is.
I suppose I'm going to have to start taking the buck by the horns, the tiger by the tail, the minivan by the wheel... And start coming up with new ways to pass my time. Spawnling takes up a great deal of it right now, but he isn't normally... intellectually stimulating. I mean, he's a cuddlebug and he loves to babble, but I think I might be starting to understand what he's saying and that's probably a big, red flag that I need to speak to other adults more often.
I have been taking the gremlins for a walk every afternoon for the last few days. I want the Spawn to get some vitamin D through my milk and sun exposure as opposed to through nasty drops. I also kick my children off the cool spinny things in the new park and make them watch the baby while I have a turn. Then, to make up for my selfish ways, I chase them around the play structure and pretend to be a ghost from one of their The Real Ghostbusters cartoons. I do a great Sandman voice.
I can't figure out why nobody ever comes to the park when we're there...
I've also finally enrolled in university. The course I'm taking is definitely good for a laugh: a four-year BA with a major in psychology.
The Maven, psych major.
There. Now I have a stupid song stuck in my head and you have something to have a bad dream about.
Next time maybe you'll think twice before not calling enough, not writing enough, not leaving comments in my blog for me to respond to and not otherwise wasting my time enough.
You have singlehandedly created a monster. A monster who "helps" people.
I have a feeling my phone will be ringing bright and early tomorrow. You should assume that I'm expecting you to call. Assume that I'm mad at you, too. You could probably all form a great Team 2 right now.