I've gone running - or jogging, if you'd prefer, as I'm certainly not taking this ample body down the road at full tilt - three times in the past week. There was a time in my pre-Spawnling life where I ran 4km every day, so I'm not exactly new at this sport. The difference today, however, is that I'm more aware of exactly what running entails both physically and psychologically. And, let me tell you, it's not pretty. Runners need to be equipped with a number of negative attributes in order to get hooked on the idea.
Allow me to explain in this handy dandy primer:
Step 1: Suit up!
The first thing to know about runners is that health is only secondary to their ultimate goal of looking hot. They may not even realize it themselves, but they are screaming to be noticed. If we didn't care what you thought of us, we wouldn't be wearing designer running gear, right? Right. And please don't give me the excuse that it's 'more comfortable' or 'has better support'. I'm also an attention whore runner, remember? I've played this game before; and while I can't squeeze my pudge into the cute Lululemon outfits just yet, I make up for wearing discount store brands by sporting my hot pink iPod, Roots carrying case and shoes that are so beautiful they've been known to make onlookers weep. Looking hot: it's just what we do.
Major character flaw involved: Vanity.
Step 2: The Stretch
Stretching is an important part of the before and after running rituals. And, in true jogger fashion, should never be done privately. The best place to stretch is where you'll get the most attention. Sometimes, like me, it's on your front step. For others, it's at the beginning of a trail. For true attention seekers, in front of a Wal-Mart might get you the fix you need. A movie theater also works if you time your stretch to the letting out of a blockbuster film. Why do we flaunt our stretches in public? Because we want you to know that we run. We want you to see that we're healthy and know enough about the sport to do it properly. Then, not only will you say 'Hey, look at that runner in the cute pants!' but you might also throw in 'and she's stretching, which is what healthy people do. Wow... Now I feel badly about myself. I shall have a great deal of chocolate now.'
Major character flaw involved: Grandiosity.
Step 3: The Warm up
Ever watch a horse race? All those eager animals have to be penned to keep them contained. When the gates are finally opened, they take off at breakneck speeds. Runners are a lot like horses, except we have two feet and wear clothes. Filled with motivation from all the attention and guilt-inducing we've done in steps 1 and 2, we feel ready to take on just about anything. But if we want the run to last a long time we need the stamina to do it, so warm up we must. It's not something we're proud of others seeing, but it's a necessary evil nonetheless. If another egomaniac runs by us he or she might think 'Hmph. Lazy power walker!' not realizing that we're cut from the same cloth. Thus, it's important to make your warm up as painless as possible. Do it right after stretching and in the area where all the other runners do theirs so it's assumed you're in the cool cats club. Or, if on a regular road and not a runner's trail (they're a lot like dog parks, but for joggers) then follow the same route daily, or at least until you start running. Then, either people will know you well enough to see you're warming up, or only a few neighbours and passers by will think you're a wannabe.
Major character flaw involved: Insecurity
Step 4: Full throttle
This is where runners begin their actual running, and, if done properly, can last a good while. Those like me, however, will jump back and forth between this and step 5, which is a little hard on the ego but must be done to preserve the run in the name of hotness. Full throttle running is when things are going very well. The hot pink iPod is on at a ridiculously high level playing 90's dance cheese, the legs are functioning as smoothly as a well-oiled machine, the feet are hitting the ground in perfect rhythm, and there's just enough sweat beading on the forehead. More importantly, everyone is looking, and you're almost sure it's not because these yoga pants make your bum jiggle. You could carry on like this forever. Forever! It's perfect.
Character flaw involved: Denial.
Step 5: Sort of full throttle
Ah, step 5. It sounds horrible to need to slow down and take a bit of a walking or light jogging break in between the more impressive running jags, but it's not all that bad. For one, it allows one to wipe the now excessive amounts of sweat from every inch of skin, to let the heart slow down before it implodes in the chest (good idea) and to stop the ridiculous gasping and wheezing sounds you just realized are coming from you and are not noise on the MP3 track. Oh, sure, you might look like a wimp for a minute or so as you gather yourself and wonder if you'd look as attractive passed out on the sidewalk, but that's just part of the game until you get much better. I've accepted it as just the way things are right now. It's the difference between exhausting myself after ten minutes or going for forty. I can do simple math, and I know there are sacrifices needed to achieve the larger number.
Character flaw involved: Egomania
Step 5: The brag
I'm going to skip the cool-down stuff because it's essentially the same as steps 1, 2 and 3 but in reverse, and you look awesome anyway because you're covered in sweat and are obviously exhausted; proof that you are, indeed, a runner, or perhaps a ridiculously bad walker. But all that stretching and showering and water drinking has an ultimate goal: bragging. It's time to tally up what you ran, make it look at as good as possible, and, while still high on those amazing endorphins, let everyone know what you accomplished today. I recommend social networking site status updates as they reach the most people. My updates on Facebook are usually 'ran another great 3k today! Better than last time, too!' and other such subtle remarks. But don't blame me: it's the endorphins. That amazing rush is what keeps me coming back to the torturous run. I hate it and love it all at the same time. I pant and whimper for what seems like an eternity so I can float blissfully alongside The Beatles' Yellow Submarine for an hour or two.
Character flaw involved: Addiction.
And there you have it. My primer on running. I hope it helps explain a few things.
Now I must be off. I have an appointment for the gremlins and must get ready for tonight's festivities at my AA meeting. 18 years clean and sober? And now I'm running again, too? Damn, I'm good.
Character flaw involved: pretty much all of them.
Allow me to explain in this handy dandy primer:
Step 1: Suit up!
The first thing to know about runners is that health is only secondary to their ultimate goal of looking hot. They may not even realize it themselves, but they are screaming to be noticed. If we didn't care what you thought of us, we wouldn't be wearing designer running gear, right? Right. And please don't give me the excuse that it's 'more comfortable' or 'has better support'. I'm also a
Major character flaw involved: Vanity.
Step 2: The Stretch
Stretching is an important part of the before and after running rituals. And, in true jogger fashion, should never be done privately. The best place to stretch is where you'll get the most attention. Sometimes, like me, it's on your front step. For others, it's at the beginning of a trail. For true attention seekers, in front of a Wal-Mart might get you the fix you need. A movie theater also works if you time your stretch to the letting out of a blockbuster film. Why do we flaunt our stretches in public? Because we want you to know that we run. We want you to see that we're healthy and know enough about the sport to do it properly. Then, not only will you say 'Hey, look at that runner in the cute pants!' but you might also throw in 'and she's stretching, which is what healthy people do. Wow... Now I feel badly about myself. I shall have a great deal of chocolate now.'
Major character flaw involved: Grandiosity.
Step 3: The Warm up
Ever watch a horse race? All those eager animals have to be penned to keep them contained. When the gates are finally opened, they take off at breakneck speeds. Runners are a lot like horses, except we have two feet and wear clothes. Filled with motivation from all the attention and guilt-inducing we've done in steps 1 and 2, we feel ready to take on just about anything. But if we want the run to last a long time we need the stamina to do it, so warm up we must. It's not something we're proud of others seeing, but it's a necessary evil nonetheless. If another egomaniac runs by us he or she might think 'Hmph. Lazy power walker!' not realizing that we're cut from the same cloth. Thus, it's important to make your warm up as painless as possible. Do it right after stretching and in the area where all the other runners do theirs so it's assumed you're in the cool cats club. Or, if on a regular road and not a runner's trail (they're a lot like dog parks, but for joggers) then follow the same route daily, or at least until you start running. Then, either people will know you well enough to see you're warming up, or only a few neighbours and passers by will think you're a wannabe.
Major character flaw involved: Insecurity
Step 4: Full throttle
This is where runners begin their actual running, and, if done properly, can last a good while. Those like me, however, will jump back and forth between this and step 5, which is a little hard on the ego but must be done to preserve the run in the name of hotness. Full throttle running is when things are going very well. The hot pink iPod is on at a ridiculously high level playing 90's dance cheese, the legs are functioning as smoothly as a well-oiled machine, the feet are hitting the ground in perfect rhythm, and there's just enough sweat beading on the forehead. More importantly, everyone is looking, and you're almost sure it's not because these yoga pants make your bum jiggle. You could carry on like this forever. Forever! It's perfect.
Character flaw involved: Denial.
Step 5: Sort of full throttle
Ah, step 5. It sounds horrible to need to slow down and take a bit of a walking or light jogging break in between the more impressive running jags, but it's not all that bad. For one, it allows one to wipe the now excessive amounts of sweat from every inch of skin, to let the heart slow down before it implodes in the chest (good idea) and to stop the ridiculous gasping and wheezing sounds you just realized are coming from you and are not noise on the MP3 track. Oh, sure, you might look like a wimp for a minute or so as you gather yourself and wonder if you'd look as attractive passed out on the sidewalk, but that's just part of the game until you get much better. I've accepted it as just the way things are right now. It's the difference between exhausting myself after ten minutes or going for forty. I can do simple math, and I know there are sacrifices needed to achieve the larger number.
Character flaw involved: Egomania
Step 5: The brag
I'm going to skip the cool-down stuff because it's essentially the same as steps 1, 2 and 3 but in reverse, and you look awesome anyway because you're covered in sweat and are obviously exhausted; proof that you are, indeed, a runner, or perhaps a ridiculously bad walker. But all that stretching and showering and water drinking has an ultimate goal: bragging. It's time to tally up what you ran, make it look at as good as possible, and, while still high on those amazing endorphins, let everyone know what you accomplished today. I recommend social networking site status updates as they reach the most people. My updates on Facebook are usually 'ran another great 3k today! Better than last time, too!' and other such subtle remarks. But don't blame me: it's the endorphins. That amazing rush is what keeps me coming back to the torturous run. I hate it and love it all at the same time. I pant and whimper for what seems like an eternity so I can float blissfully alongside The Beatles' Yellow Submarine for an hour or two.
Character flaw involved: Addiction.
And there you have it. My primer on running. I hope it helps explain a few things.
Now I must be off. I have an appointment for the gremlins and must get ready for tonight's festivities at my AA meeting. 18 years clean and sober? And now I'm running again, too? Damn, I'm good.
Character flaw involved: pretty much all of them.