When you go to the doctor and say, "I
feel completely burned out," they sometimes give you a little
questionnaire to fill out.
Last week, I got 90% on that questionnaire.
That's not a good score, kids. It's not like normal tests, where you want a high score. I did not get a gold star for that one.
It seems this year has left me pretty
depleted. It explains why my creativity is in the toilet, my energy is so low,
and why I don't really give a shit about a lot of things right now.
It's hard to explain burnout to someone
who's never been burned out. I mean, I think we've all been there to some
degree, but the intensity of where I find myself today is a whole new shiny
ball of shit. It's not that this year has been awful; it's just been draining. Much good has happened, but it's a
tiring sort of good. Like a having newborn baby or 12.
Then, throw in the fact that I've been
doing the same job for 18 years (with my kids), and it's no wonder I'm feeling
burned out. This job has no paycheque, involves intense multitasking, is often
overwhelming, and my bosses are can be a bit... demanding. Like, OMG WHY CAN'T THERE BE ONE HOMECOOKED MEAL
EVERYBODY CAN AGREE ON? AND IF YOU WHINE AT ME ONE MORE TIME TODAY I'M GOING TO
SEAL MY BEDROOM DOOR UP WITH CEMENT AND BARBED WIRE.
You know, just little things like that.
Thankfully, the benefits are good. Like,
I'm in my jammies right now and eating foil-wrapped Christmas chocolate balls.
It rules. Find me another job where I could do that.
All joking aside, I can't blame anyone but me for this one. I spread myself too thin, I ignored my own needs, I didn't listen to the warning signs - and there were many. My body and brain have been screaming at me to take a step back. My friends and family have said the same. I haven't. I scoffed. I really thought I could do it all. And now I'm paying the price for that.
So, for now, I need to slow down. I need to scale back my
responsibilities as much as possible, take a lot more time for myself, and
get some rest. I'm going to focus more on writing (for pleasure, like on this blog), painting and photography.
All my loves. And I'm going to spend a lot of time hanging out with my partner
and kids.
If you know me personally, I should tell
you I'm going to be saying "no" a lot more and will be setting firm
boundaries around how I use my time and energy. Please don't take it
personally. I totally still love you. It's really about getting my health back
on track and has nothing to do with you. Responsibilities and expectations that I don't have to take on are the ones that are going to go first. I need to put my time and energy where it's needed most.
In short, give me some time and I'll be
back to my old self again. But probably better. I just need to recharge and
I'll be all up in your faces again. I'm a gift that keeps on giving, like cold
sores.
I've been trying to write this post for a
while. But, of course, with burnout, I've been less than motivated. My friend Melissa
suggested I do it in Haiku. Challenge accepted.
Burnout, as explained in a series of Haikus
With
this here burnout
Coffee
fuels all the things
Put
it in my mouth
Dirty
first haiku
Look
where my mind is going!
Maturity?
No.
Sweeping
year of change
The
current pulled me under
Swimming
my way back
Apathy
is king!
Ask
how many fucks I give
Wait.
Don't. That is work.
Bed
so soft and warm
We
totes do each other's nails
We
are, like, best friends
Concentration?
Ha!
There
is none of that, my friends
Only
chocolate
Want
to hang out, guys
But
energy is fleeting
Saying
no means sleep
"Set
boundaries, yo!"
Therapist
puts her foot down
(She
does not say "yo")
Burnout
will go away
With
time and fuzzy slippers
And
hugs and Netflix
Still
fighting for her
Tiring,
advocacy is
But
so worth it too
With
change comes growth
Like
trees in bloom or something
Haikus
have trees, k?
During this time
I
will be kind to myself
So
awesome am I
And
so good looking
See?
That had five syllables
It
was meant to be
Maven's
still got it
Despite
all the tired and meh
Pass
the coffee, bitch