I’m learning to love myself without your help after a lifetime of relying on it.
For years, I wanted nothing but your approval. Yes, you. The person reading this. No, it doesn’t matter if we know each other or not. Much of what I did and much of what drove my life was based on making other people happy – whether that be someone I know or a complete stranger.
It almost killed me.
People-pleasing might seem altruistic, but it’s actually a way to get external validation. “If I do something you like, you’ll like me.” Up until recently, I survived on it. I’m using the word survive on purpose because I certainly wasn’t thriving on it. You can’t thrive on making other people happy for some very important reasons:
It’s exhausting and unhealthy.
It’s impossible to make 100% of people happy all the time.
If your entire self-worth is based on other people being happy with you, you’re bound to fail.
See, the opposite of people-pleasing is people-displeasing. Since there are over seven billion people on the planet, all with their own views and vantage points, there is simply no way to meet everyone’s expectations. It’s inevitable: We are bound to make someone unhappy some of the time. Even with the best of intentions, the greatest of care, and the utmost planning, we’re not miracle workers.
But here’s the worst part of being a people pleaser: It’s disingenuous. When I was trying to make everybody happy and meet all your expectations, I wasn’t being myself. I was always trying to say and do the right things so I wouldn’t make anyone upset, sometimes holding back my own thoughts and feelings entirely. That’s not only unfair to me but… well, manipulative. I was trying to be what I thought was a more palatable version of me; someone you’d like.
Someone you wouldn’t reject.
Fear of rejection is instinctive. It goes back to our cave people days, where being ousted from the group could mean getting eaten by a pack of wolves or something. We could starve, we could fall down a cliff and there would be no one to help us. Humans are social creatures and live in communities. We had to do our best to get along with others to stay alive. Our ancestors were likely pros at the survival skill of fitting in, which is why we’re here to carry their DNA.
And the other reason rejection feels awful? Because it literally hurts. It’s painful. Scientists have shown it lights up the same pain centers of the brain as physical injury. Again, that makes sense: rejection could kill, so we should want to avoid it. Sadly, it can still kill, as we sometimes see with families who disown their LGBTQ members, students plagued with bullying, or people harassed and attacked in their communities.
I guess my ancestors were big people-pleasers because I spent far too long using that skill. Coupled with the childhood trauma I carry over some big rejection, severe bullying and other major events, even the hint of rejection has been a major trigger my entire life.
People-pleasing is, dare I say, addictive. Like a drug, the validation we get from outside of ourselves feels great, but it’s only temporary. It doesn’t take long to wear off, and then we need it again. It’s filling up a hole where confidence and self-worth should go.
When I had my big breakdown in May, the trigger was mass rejection (not criticism, as has been said, but the attacks on my character that came along with it). In order to come back from it – and especially to do writing and advocacy again – I had to turn the people-pleasing switch off for good.
What does it take to stop looking for external validation? If you’re me, it takes a lot – and I’m not done. There are moments, like today, when something acts as a trigger, and I fall back into a full-body trauma reaction over someone else’s opinion of me (thanks, Twitter.) It’s going to take a great amount of work for that not to happen anymore. But the good news is, it’s getting a lot better. I come out of these trauma reactions much faster. They used to take 2-3 days. Now they take less than 1. Within hours, I’m feeling like myself again. That’s incredible progress in a few weeks, but it’s also taken a great amount of work (and ongoing therapy).
I probably don’t need to say that I’m not a mental health professional and this isn’t professional advice, but I’ll say it anyway. I’m a learner, and part of what helps me heal is passing on what I’m learning. I figure if it helps someone else, then it’s doubly helpful! Take what you need and leave the rest.
These are some of the things I’m doing to make me happy without your approval:
I had to admit I had poor self-esteem. People with good self-esteem don’t look elsewhere for validation. This was a tough one to get real about, but crucial. You can’t fix what you refuse to see.
I figured out what my values are. Who am I? What makes me Me? What do I stand for? Among other things: Love, compassion, education, empathy, honesty, and integrity. I now base everything I do – every action, every aspect of my life – around these values. Knowing what I stand for means knowing myself and my intentions better. It’s a building block to loving myself and not needing outside approval.
I’m taking care of myself like I would take care of someone I love. I talk to myself on bad days like I would my best friend. What would I say to a friend who’s struggling? What would I do for that friend if they were down, or suggest they do for themselves? I deserve that kind of love and support, even if I don’t feel it in that moment. I’ll have a bath, watch a fun movie, talk to my wife, get lost in a new recipe, do some meditation, or anything else that will soothe my tired heart and mind. Doing this for myself is in line with my values of love, compassion, and empathy. It also reminds me of my value.
Before saying “yes” to a commitment or hitting “post” or “tweet” on something I wrote, I check my intentions. What am I trying to accomplish here? Am I doing or saying this for the right reasons? Again, this goes back to my values. Am I trying to educate? Show support? Build empathy and understanding? Or am I trying to meet someone else’s expectations so they won’t get upset, or get “likes” on something to feel better because I’m low? And if that’s the case, why am I feeling that way? I check in often to make sure I stay true to myself and don’t rely on others to prop me up.
I’ve (mostly) accepted that some people aren’t going to like what I do or say or stand for. I’m, like, 80% good with that reality now. As I said before, I’m a work in progress, and trauma is a beast that can take years to fully recover from. When that happens – when I see a mean tweet or catch a sentence of hate mail before deleting it – and it hits me hard, I don’t shame myself for it. First, is there anything in there that is constructive buried in that negativity? If there is, I’ll look at it when I’m ready. If not, I acknowledge my feelings and give them permission to stay for as long as they need to. I remember that everyone has their own lives, perspectives, and intentions, and that this will impact how they see me. As I get better at no longer relying on external validation, I also get better at not taking on other people’s opinions of me. Thank goodness – because last time I checked, there were a lot of them.
My validation now comes from me. But it’s only worth something if I believe I’m worth something. Knowing myself and learning to love myself are the keys to not prioritizing everyone else’s wants and needs anymore (or, at least, my perception of what those are.)
And you know what? I’m kind of liking who I am. She’s pretty okay, even if she’s not everyone’s cup of tea. As it turns, out, the approval I was really in need of was my own.