World, meet Juliet.
She’s from Finland, which is cold like Canada so I don’t
resent her nearly as much as I resent people from, say, Australia. (Australians
need to calm it down with their chronic beach swimming.)
Juliet is also a newly-out trans woman, and making some
pretty brave moves to keep her family intact and safe while becoming her smart,
sassy and seriously gorgeous true self.
This incredible lady and I only met in person less than two
weeks ago and she’s already become one of the most special people in my life. Legit.
And, just like with my daughter, it all started with a heartfelt email.
I get a lot of email. I don’t say that in a show-off-y way, I
swear, but more in an OMG-I-need-three-brains-and-six-hands kind of way.
I read every single one of them. But I’m not always able to
reply. I hate that because I want to get back to every person who takes that
time to reach out. I know it’s hard to write to a total stranger (especially
one who is unabashedly weird). But, apparently, my kids think they need “attention”
and “meals” and they get a little pissy if I lock myself in the office with a
sign that says “Bread and peanut butter
on counter. Mommy loves you.”
On May 3rd of this year, I received my first
message from Juliet. She wasn’t going by that name yet, but by her former one. She
had read my World, Meet My Wife piece,
which, unbeknownst to me, had been syndicated in a Finnish newspaper. It hit
her hard in the feels.
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| This is something about us in Finnish. I hope it's good. |
Like Zoe, she had been keeping a secret from her partner and
was terrified to tell her. Like Zoe, she knew she couldn’t keep living as a
man, acting like a husband and father when she is neither of those things. She was
scared to tell her wife, scared for their future.
When Juliet read my piece (in Finnish! Seriously, how cool
is that?!) she felt hope for the first time. It apparently pulled her out of a
really dark place and became her catalyst for change, so she wanted to let me
know how deeply it had impacted her.
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| Emmi and Juliet. One of the sweetest couples I've ever met. Truth. |
Every day or so, she would write and tell me how things were
going: how she told her wife, how her wife had chosen to stay by her side, how
much they love each other, how their young daughter had so easily taken to the
external change. She talked about how happy she felt when she could be herself,
and how unhappy she was when she had to hide it.
I would reply whenever I possibly could, and let her know I
was still reading, still here, and sending her as much hope and love as I could
from the other side of the world. I looked forward to each email, each milestone,
and often read them to Zoe.
I saw our family in hers, so far away; man-made borders are
meaningless when you share this kind of human experience. We formed an amazing
bond, and they started to feel like a part of the family we had never met.
But they felt stuck. They were living in a small village in Finland
where no one was out. What about moving to somewhere more metropolitan?
Unfortunately, even in Helsinki, the largest city, there were few resources and
little understanding for trans folk.
Worse still, Finland
lags far behind in trans rights compared to many countries deemed “progressive”.
While anti-discrimination laws are on the books, discrimination is still a huge
problem in everyday life. Finding housing, work and community are big challenges.
And if Juliet wants to come out in her home country and change her name and gender
marker, she must first be sterilized.
Yes, forced sterilization
is mandatory in Finland for trans people. That’s not only a human rights
violation, but a serious problem when you want to grow your family, as this
couple does. You must also convert your
marriage to a civil union, thus losing many of the legal benefits of married
couples.
And just in case that isn’t enough to turn your stomach, Juliet would lose her rights as a parent
to one-year-old Helmi. As far as we can tell in the research we’ve been doing,
she would have to adopt her.
Yes. Adopt her biological
child. And not as a second mom, but as a “caregiver.” No defined parental
role because Helmi can’t have two moms on the books. How is that even okay in
2016?
And so, this is how Juliet and Emmi made the brave decision
to sell everything they own, pack up, and move to Canada. They were originally
going to make Toronto their home, but decided to try Ottawa. It’s cozier, more
affordable, and, well, we’re here. We have a great community to welcome and
support them.
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| Helmi exploring our kitchen. |
It took a long talk to convince them to take the help, mind
you. They don’t like handouts. They’re fiercely independent people, so this is
hard for them.
But I told them it’s not a handout, it’s a hand up. And once
they’re up, they can help someone else. Paying it forward is something we
believe in. When you have, give. Full stop. We have a home. We have food. We have security
and resources and, frankly, a fair amount of privilege for a same-sex family with
two trans people in it.
Why wouldn’t we want to share that with people who need
it? I can't imagine a good reason.
It’s going to be an uphill battle to convince the Canadian government
that Juliet, Emmi and Helmi need to be here. But I’m doing everything I can to
make this happen for them. I’ve promised them we’re all going to fight – hard. I know they can’t return to
Finland. It's not a safe place for them. Nobody should have to give up
their fertility, marriage and parental rights in order to transition.
And so right now, we are currently a family of 8. We share
meals, we share shopping, we drink a lot of coffee together. We watch Netflix
and we go to the park. We also do a lot of research into how to make Canada
their forever home. We laugh and we cry and we cling to the hope they get
accepted into the country on a permanent basis.
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| Alexis, Helmi and Shadow. |
In the meantime, I should have you know the kids are smitten with little Helmi. She's breathed new and adorable life into the house. Nobody brings a smile
to their faces more than she does. The dogs are somewhat wearier, as she likes
to poke them in the eye. But she also drops a ton of food when she eats and
that seems to be worth any temporary blindness. I respect those priorities.
For the record, I stopped this blog post halfway, went
downstairs, and hugged each one of them. For some reason, writing this made me
realize the reality of the situation: they’re here. Safe. This email friendship has become a real one, and this
fight for life and dignity has made its way into our home. That's a good thing, because I can’t imagine them
anywhere else right now.
We might be helping them a little, but they’ve helped us in
a big way. Their willingness to share their journey with us has made it really hit home for my family just how fortunate we are to live where
we do, and just how important it is that we keep using our voices to speak out
against transphobia.
Juliet, Emmi and sweet little Helmi, you’re my heroes,
through and through. Together, we're going to make this right for you.
Oh, my. I think it’s a little dusty in here. That, or the Finnish toddler just poked me in the eye.