Once upon a time, I happily lived a straight life of straightness.
You know, just a hetero wife in a hetero life. (That should totally be a bumper sticker.)
People's reactions ranged from, "Wow! Cool! Okay!" to "Uh.. Okay, I guess." But pretty much everyone said "okay" in some regard and that was swell of them.
First of all, one of my favourite shirts is plaid, which I've come to understand is a staple in many a lesbian's closet:
Know what else I've heard is kind of a thing? Power tools!
Well, good news. I have some of those, too!
The funny thing is, I've never actually been a straight up hetero. I've never hidden that fact, but it wasn't immediately obvious or even of interest to most people because my life looked a lot like this:
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| By Eric Ward [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons |
And when your life looks a lot like that - a husband, a wife and some kids - people don't ask questions. They look at you and think, I am familiar with this life situation. I will place her in the "straight people" box.
I fell in love with someone I thought was a man, had some children, moved to the suburbs. But then, one day, my partner said, "Hey, guess what? I'm a lady person!" (I might be paraphrasing a little.)
Well, that's a bit of a shocker. But great news: I like ladies too! So I can totally get behind that. I can be a lady person in love with a lady person! (Especially a hot lady person, which she most certainly is.)
A little while later, she came out to the world and, by extension, we came out, too; two lady people, doing our lady love thing. When it came to the inevitable questions about our relationship, we said, "It's all good, folks! We're basically the same family we were before, except we're two chicks at the helm, okay?"
People's reactions ranged from, "Wow! Cool! Okay!" to "Uh.. Okay, I guess." But pretty much everyone said "okay" in some regard and that was swell of them.
I was now behind the wheel of the identical life I had before, except with some sweet after-market same-sex options installed. I had the same house, same kids, same dogs and same cat (although she gives us these looks sometimes when we cuddle on the couch that lead me to think she might be a furry little bigot.) I'm the same person with all the same thoughts and feelings, but my partner is outwardly living as female. That's it.
Oh, if only.
One day, the questions started coming in: "Amanda," the internet gently asked, "if you're married to a woman, why are you posting on social media about how hot Chris Hemsworth is?"
One day, the questions started coming in: "Amanda," the internet gently asked, "if you're married to a woman, why are you posting on social media about how hot Chris Hemsworth is?"
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| Chris Hemsworth | by Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer |
Uh, because he's the sexy maple syrup on my lust waffles, that's why. Duh.
Also, please stop judging my taste in men. I don't just post about actors, okay? I'll have you know I'm also into politics:
Also, please stop judging my taste in men. I don't just post about actors, okay? I'll have you know I'm also into politics:
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| 2008 Trudeau promotional photo by Jean-Marc Carisse |
So what? Some men are terribly good-looking and I point that out sometimes. What's your point?
"My point is," the internet says, "how can you say you're in love with a woman if you're posting about men? Are you not that attracted to your wife?"
Of course I am. Have you seen my wife? Forget waffles; She's the whole sexy brunch buffet.
"Gee, I don't know," doubts the internet. "You might just be settling because it's easier than getting divorced."
Of course I am. Have you seen my wife? Forget waffles; She's the whole sexy brunch buffet.
"Gee, I don't know," doubts the internet. "You might just be settling because it's easier than getting divorced."
Shit. Sorry. Forgive me, internet. I'm new to this, and apparently I'm not same-sexing well enough for your liking. I'm married to a woman, so I guess I should embrace the lesbian thing a little more, eh? Otherwise, what box are you going to fit me in?!
Alright, then. Time to knock this bad boy - uh, girl - out of the park.
First of all, one of my favourite shirts is plaid, which I've come to understand is a staple in many a lesbian's closet:
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| I would give myself a solid 7 out of 10 in plaid delivery. |
Know what else I've heard is kind of a thing? Power tools!
Well, good news. I have some of those, too!
And I'm learning how to use them. In fact, I did this awesome thing to our front step last weekend ALL BY MYSELF WITH MY OWN LADY HANDS:
I even put cute little lesbian chairs outside so we can be the old biddy ladies drinking our coffee on the front porch.
"Sorry," interrupts the internet. "What did you just say?"
I said I put cute little lesbian cha--
"That's what I thought. Sigh."
What's wrong? I use the term "lesbian" sometimes. My wife is a lesbian and I'm her wife, so I figure it's a good descriptor. Look, we even got our first lesbian cheques in the mail recently. Aren't they the cutest?
"Unbelievable."
It shouldn't be. People do still use cheques sometimes, you know.
"Not that, Amanda. Here, I'll let this straight person you know explain why you're so offensive."
Oh, dear. This is bad.
Friends are cringing.
And apparently I'm insecure. And have an ego. And I'm not a true lesbian. Dammit. Why can't I get this right?
So let me see if I get this straight (can I even say straight? Shit. I don't even know now):
Be lesbian, but not too lesbian.
And don't make jokes about lesbian things, even if you usually use humour to connect with people and make situations in your life more relatable to others.
And if you still think men are good looking, you can't possibly be happy with a woman. So don't talk about guys. It will confuse people.
And don't say the word "lesbian" too much. It will make people cringe. Especially other people's friends, apparently.
Internet, this is exhausting. I have a better idea: How about we stop policing other people's sexual orientations? I never got this kind of criticism or commentary when I was living my hetero-normative existence. I could say a woman was gorgeous without people questioning how happy I am in my marriage. I could post about my husband without people telling me off for it. But now that I'm in a same-sex partnership, the rules have changed. That's not entirely surprising; the minute you step out of the privileged majority, the rules always change. We need to think about why, and we need to do better.
So how about, instead of trying to get everyone to conform to our idea of how a person should express their sexual orientation in order to make us more comfortable, we learn to get comfortable with however people choose to express themselves?
It's a tall order, I know. But this Hemsworth-loving, plaid-adorning, power-tool-wielding lesbian-but-not-too-lesbian would appreciate it.
I am who I am. You are who you are. Neither of us should have to compromise that to fit into a box.*
* Insert great lesbian joke here.