First of all, I want to say a massive thank you to the many people who have reached out to us over the last several days. Our support circle has certainly grown, and we are very grateful for it.
People are naturally curious about what happens to a relationship - and a family - when a spouse comes out as trans. So I thought I would answer some of the most common questions and comments I've received. (There are a handful that deserve their own blog posts, so I'm going to save them for another day.)
Get your coffee ready. Here we go!
How have things been
since you told the world you have a second trans person in the house?
Crazy, but the good kind of crazy. The world has been a lot
kinder than I expected, frankly. We’ve received hundreds of supportive messages
from people from around the world. I haven’t had a chance to reply to them all
yet, but please know we’ve read every single one and they mean a great deal to
us.
I did a brief interview last week with 105.3 Kiss FM, which you can listen to here, and Alexis and I spoke to Metro Ottawa, too.
I do these interviews because I believe it’s the only way to normalize queer families. The more people hear our stories, the more they learn, the less sensational we become, and the more widely accepted we are. A few of us have to be public to make change happen. It’s really that simple.
I did a brief interview last week with 105.3 Kiss FM, which you can listen to here, and Alexis and I spoke to Metro Ottawa, too.
I do these interviews because I believe it’s the only way to normalize queer families. The more people hear our stories, the more they learn, the less sensational we become, and the more widely accepted we are. A few of us have to be public to make change happen. It’s really that simple.
There will always be hate, of course. I did an interview with Us Weekly right after my last blog post, and the comments are… well… don’t
read the comments. Just don’t do it. Some of them will destroy your delicate faith in humanity. I stopped after 3 and haven't checked them since.
And then there was
that guy on twitter who had this to say about why I have a trans child:
I might frame that one.
Frankly, I’ll take the small amounts of hate if it means we
get to live authentically. That closet we were in for the last few months was
hella stuffy.
How did things at Zoe’s
work go after she came out?
Zoe sent an email the day I wrote our coming out post (you know, the second one I've had to write. Heh.). Since
then, she’s received over 60 supportive responses from coworkers who are
looking forward to welcoming her back as her true self.
Yet another example of how Ottawa, Canada is a wonderful place
to live. You should totally live here. It’s cold enough to crack your ovaries
in half, but our warm hearts more than make up for it.
Zoe is working from home this week, and is back full-time in
the office the next. I will be expecting regular text updates on day 1 because
my stomach will be in knots. And also because I’m fairly high maintenance.
But be honest,
Amanda: Are you really happy with a
trans spouse, or are you just saying that?
She still makes me coffee every morning, which ensures I’m
not a giant asshole to the world. So yes, I’m legitimately happy. And you should
be, too. Trust me.
Ok… It’s just… There’s
no way I could be happy, you know? I would be settling if I stayed. So are you
settling?
Fact: I said, on more than one occasion, that I could probably never stay with a spouse who transitioned. It would be too weird. Too hard. Too overwhelming.
But there’s a difference between theoretical situations and
actual situations. When the actual situation occurred – something I never
thought would happen to me – I had to re-evaluate my black-or-white views on
it. I'm glad I did.
Look. I understand if you couldn’t be happy and had to end
the relationship. I would never fault someone for that.
There are many factors in play when a spouse transitions: How
happy or unhappy you were as a couple
before your spouse comes out to you, your own sexual orientation, your partner’s
sexual orientation, any feelings of betrayal you might have about them keeping their
gender identity from you, whether they start stealing your lip gloss out of
your purse like a bitch, if they start upstaging you in the hair department…
The list of potential deal-breakers is long.
I was essentially handed a golden ticket to divorce when Zoe
came out to me. We could have split completely amicably at that point. We could
have co-parented, and I could have supported her in a friendship role. I
considered all of it.
I chose to stay because I love her and she loves me. I am
very much attracted to the person she is. I’m a “hearts not parts” kind of
girl, so her gender doesn’t matter to me. And she only likes the ladies and I
happen to be a great one, so it all worked out. We’re like a really weird fairy
tale. And I regularly steal her lip gloss.
Wait. Zoe is a trans woman, but she… only likes women? Huh?
LGBT 101: Your gender
identity and sexual orientation are separate things. Completely.
Sexual orientation is who you go to bed with, and gender identity is who you go to bed as. She is a woman. She is attracted to women. Many trans women
identify as lesbian or bisexual. It’s not that uncommon.
So you’re comfortable being in a same-sex marriage?
Of course. I’ve been checking the mail every morning to see
if my gay agenda has arrived. I’m sure it’s chock full of ways to destroy the
fabric of society.
Can you believe it? I’m now part of a giant conspiracy to tear
apart the traditional family, which is why all these organizations lobby to
make my “lifestyle” illegal. I understand why they’re fearful. I mean, look at
all the damage I’m causing by continuing to raise my kids, volunteer in the
community, earn a living and pay my mortgage. Such immorality. WE SHALL RUIN
ALL YOU HOLD DEAR.
And the kids are ok?
Actual conversation I had with my children a few weeks ago:
Me: “So guys, I’m getting ready to tell the internet about your
mama.”
Kids: “That’s fine. Whenever you’re ready.”
Me: “Really? You’re not worried about being teased or anything?”
One of the kids: “Nah. It’s actually cool to have gay parents now. I told a
couple of people already and they said they wish they had two moms.”
Other kid: "I know, right? I got the same thing when I told my friend."
Me: "Wow. Welcome to 2016."
Other kid: "I know, right? I got the same thing when I told my friend."
Me: "Wow. Welcome to 2016."
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go work on my gay world domination glitter shirt.
