My Imaginary Conversation With Me As a New Mom

20 years old. 38 weeks pregnant. It's almost adorable that I had no idea what was waiting for me.

Intrepid turns 18 in a few days. I've been getting all nostalgic and remembering my life as a new mom. I decided that, if I had the ability, I would love to sit down and have a coffee with her to tell her a few things. This is how I imagine it would go:

"Hey, New Mom Me! What's happening? It's me, Maven from the fuUUuuuUutUuuUuure!"

"Hey. Could you be a little quieter? The baby's finally sleeping. I've been up all night breastfeeding and watching Law & Order reruns. Did you know I can watch the same episode over and over again and still not know how it ends? That's the magic of sleep deprivation. Anyway, and you are?"

"Didn't you hear me? I'm you! From the fuUUuuuUtuuUUuure!"

"Again with the loud. I will literally snap your neck if you wake this child up. What's with the weird hand gestures, too? Calm down."

"Sorry. Lots of coffee drinking still going on in my time. Don't you want to know why I'm here?"

"To wake up my baby?"

"No. Definitely not. I know what an Olympic sport it is to get that kid to sleep. Don't you love how he'll only calm down if you sing 'Everyday is a Winding Road' by Sheryl Crow to him? What newborn has such strong musical preferences?"

"What? He does what when you when?!

"Oh. You haven't figured that out yet. I hope I didn't alter the entire course of history. Don't worry, Doctor Who will fix it."

"Doctor Who? That old creepy man British show with the trash can aliens? Is that still on?"

"Oh, New Mom Me. You're going to love the future. It's full of sleeping in and evenings out and Doctor Who on a real budget."

"Thanks for coming by just to show off. So why are you here, anyway?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked! I just want to tell y--"

"Oh, dammit. He's up. If it's because of your hand gestures I'm going cut off your arms and make you carry this screaming child in your mouth like a cat."

"Wow. We are really psychotic with no sleep, aren't we?"

"Here, hold this wailing butterball of fury, Future Me. You deserve it."

"... Oh, wow. I... I didn't remember how beautiful and little he was."

"Little? He was 10 pounds and 6 ounces at birth. That's not little, as my newly broken vajayjay can attest to."

"It is compared to 6 foot 2. I have to look up now to give him my patented scary mom stare."

"...Wow.  He's tall. He gets that tall?"

"And handsome. Really handsome. Best of all, he's a great human being. Smart, funny, caring and responsible. We did a good job, New Mom Me."

"Is that what you're here to tell me?"

"Sort of.  See, you and your husband--"

"Husband?!"

"Yeah, he's going to propose in four months."

"Awesome!"

"And you're going to buy your rings at a pawn shop because you can't afford new ones."

"... Slightly less awesome."

"You'll grow to love the backstory of those rings, I promise. But anyway, you'll go on to raise this little guy and his siblings, and--"

"Whoa, whoa. Slow down. I am never having another baby. That's not happening. I can't imagine loving someone as much as I love this one and as much as I love sleep."

"Awww, I remember when we felt that way! But you will. And you'll love those ones just as much. Listen, you're going to go through some really hard shit as a parent. It's going to test you in ways that you never saw coming. It will bring you to your knees."

"Thanks, Captain Killjoy of the Unicorn Slaughter Brigade."

"Sorry, but that's the truth. You think colic is the worst of it? It's not. There are bigger things coming that will push you to your limits."

"It sounds so wonderful. I can't wait."

"See? All you needed was for someone to hold the baby for a minute and you head straight into sarcastic bitch mode again! We totally rock. That's the type of bouncing back you're going to need later on. But here's the most important thing. Are you paying attention?"

"Yep."

"No, you're checking out my rack to see if our boobs sag in the future. Spoiler alert: they do. Invest in good bras. Now eyes up here and listen to what I'm saying."

"Sigh. Ok."

"All this stupid shit you're going to worry about, like what kind of diaper to use and when they should potty train and what preschools they should go to and what their grade 3 math scores are? Those mean nothing. Parenting is about the bigger picture."

"But if I don't schedule nap time just perfectly it will mean--"

"It will mean something to you in the short term and absolutely nothing in the longer term, New Mom Me. Trust me. Parenting is not about the tiny little things everyone seems to obsess over. Every parenting expert and every other parent on the internet (yes, that's becoming a big thing) will try to tell you that if you don't do it the way they're doing it, you're failing. You're screwing up your child for life and you suck at this mom thing. You'll question yourself a lot and you'll waste a ton of energy that way."

"Even though you're telling me this?"

"Yes, because we're a stubborn idiot.  But parenting is not a sprint; it's a marathon. This little guy is turning 18 in a few days. And you know what matters most to him? That we talked every day. That he could come to me with anything and I would listen and support him. That I was there to watch movies on many Friday nights. That we laughed and cried together - mostly laughed. That I continue to show him with all of my being that I love him and his siblings - even if it takes lots of coffee to do it. Love matters. Presence matters. Support matters. That's it. The rest is just garnish."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, that's really it."

"So, you keep saying 'siblings'...."

"I'm not telling you how many."

"Oh, come on! How about you at least tell me if they're all boys, or if I get a daughter in there somewhere?"

"Heh. That's even more of a surprise, believe me."

"Fine. Thanks for visiting, I guess."

"No problem. Glad I could be super smart and invent this time machine out of things I found at the dollar store. Here's our baby back. Take good care of him. Let me tuck you guys in before I head out. You look exhausted."

"Thanks. And if you could put Law & Order on before you leave, that would be great."

"What episode?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Peace out, me. You're going to do just fine."