A Parent's Guide on What to do When Your Child Comes Out
Step 1: Take a deep breath.
OMG, right? Big news. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe you suspected this was coming. But you should still breathe anyway because you need do that to keep being alive. So this step applies no matter what. Get some oxygen into you.
Step 2: Tell your child you love them.
That might seem obvious to you, but they just told you something really big and they're probably pretty worried about what's going on in your head right now. Even if you think you're the coolest, hippest, hipster-hat-wearing, beatnik glasses-sporting, ukulele playing, social network-roaming parent out there - so of course you're supportive and how could they think otherwise? - you're still one of the most important people in the world to them and they need to hear "I love you" right now.
Step 3: Behave like you love them.
Seriously. Loving them means being supportive. It does not mean trying to fix them, lecture them, use religion to shame or dismiss them, worry aloud about what everyone else will think, hurt them, kick them out of the house, or disown them completely. That's not what you do when you love someone. Don't do it. You'll spend a lifetime regretting it.
Step 4: Believe them
. After my child came out, I spent a couple of weeks asking her if she was "sure." Because, like, I wanted to make sure that she was sure, and that I wasn't reframing my idea of her only so she could tell me she was mistaken at a later date. I think that was understandable in some respects; I was after all, trying to wrap my head around something I didn't understand. But it was also really hard on her because she felt I wasn't listening. This might be brand new to you, but your child has been feeling this way for a long time. And yes, gender and sexuality can be pretty fluid for some of us, and how we feel one day may not be how we feel the next. But if your child was sure enough to tell you, they're pretty sure about how they're feeling. So honour them where they're at today. Right now. If things change later, you can both deal with it later. (But there's a pretty good chance things aren't going to change. Just a heads up.)
Step 5: Educate yourself.
Even if you think you know everything, you don't. There is some great lesbian, gay, bisexual & transgender (LGBT) literature out there. Read reputable books and websites. Join a local support group. Talk to people in the LGBT community who can offer you some perspective. My child is trans and I have no idea what that feels like. I never will. So I appreciate any time I get to chat with a trans person about their experiences. The more I know, the better I can help.
Step 6: Love your child.
Did I mention that one already? Well, too bad. This is important and deserves another mention. Lead with love and everything else will fall into place. I held on to that belief over the first few precarious weeks and it saved me from eating too many stress cookies. Ok I'm lying about that. I ate way too many stress cookies. But I definitely hyperventilated a lot less while I was trying to figure everything out. I knew if I loved her and showed her I love her, we would sort the rest out. So far, so good.
Step 7: Recognize that your child is the expert on your child.
The only one who knows what's going on inside your kid is your kid. How they see themselves and who they're attracted to is all inside their brain. You're the grownup, so you probably know more about preparing a budget or driving a car, but you don't know more about your child's sexual orientation or gender identity than they do. My child's job is transitioning. My job is facilitating that transition and going to bat for her when I need to. I follow her lead. Period.
Step 8: Stop caring what everyone else thinks.
This one is harder for some of us (and by "some of us" I mean me, the people pleasing junkie.) This isn't about what anyone else thinks. The opinions of family, friends, colleagues and neighbours need to take a backseat when you have a LGBT child. Not everyone is going to understand and not everybody has to. We had a pretty positive experience after our child came out, but we still lost some people. It hurt at first, but the folks we've met since are far kinder and more open-minded than their predecessors. And isn't that the type of person we want in our lives anyway? We upgraded, that's all. Newer friend model. More bells and whistles. Now comes with side airbags and empathy.
Step 9: Every now and then, make sure to look back and see how far you've both come
. Maybe you've made some mistakes along the way, but look at where things are now. Your child is likely the bravest person you know for being true to themselves in a world that tries its best to force us to be like everyone else. And you? Well, you've grown too. In fact, you're one of the strongest people you know - even if you don't always see it. You've held someone's hand through a proverbial hurricane and never let go. That takes an incredible amount of resilience. You rock.
Step 10: Use what you know to help others
. Right now, there's a child getting ready to tell their parents something big. And right after that happens, there are going to be some loved ones who will be as scared and lost as you once felt. That's where you get to come in. Now that you've weathered the initial storm, maybe you can share some perspective - and an umbrella. And if they're not ready to support their child? At least they know where to find you. If one of your child's LGBT friends doesn't have good support at home, offer your home to hang out in as a safe space; a judgment-free, LGBT-friendly spot for kids to just be themselves. We have a sticker on our door that indicates our home is safe. And I have one on my car. Oh, and I have a button on my jacket. I'm pretty much a walking safe space, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Step 11: Did I mention love your child?
It's not easy when you don't fit neatly inside the typical boxes society has laid out for us. Some days will be harder than others, even weeks, months, or years later. But if our kids know they always have a soft place to fall, it can make all the difference in the world. Unconditional love is the biggest gift we can give them. And what they will teach us in return is priceless. Our children are incredible when we let them shine.
So let them shine.