Step
1: Take a deep breath. OMG, right? Big news. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe you suspected this
was coming. But you should still breathe anyway because you need do that to
keep being alive. So this step applies no matter what. Get some oxygen into
you.
Step
2: Tell your child you love them. That might seem obvious to you, but they just told you something
really big and they're probably pretty worried about what's going on in your
head right now. Even if you think you're the coolest, hippest,
hipster-hat-wearing, beatnik glasses-sporting, ukulele playing, social
network-roaming parent out there - so
of course you're supportive and how could
they think otherwise? - you're still one of the most important people in
the world to them and they need to hear "I love you" right now.
Step
3: Behave like you love them. Seriously. Loving them means being supportive. It does not mean
trying to fix them, lecture them, use religion to shame or dismiss them, worry
aloud about what everyone else will think, hurt them, kick them out of the
house, or disown them completely. That's not what you do when you love someone.
Don't do it. You'll spend a lifetime
regretting it.
Step
4: Believe them. After my child came out, I spent a couple of weeks asking her if
she was "sure." Because,
like, I wanted to make sure that she was sure,
and that I wasn't reframing my idea of her only so she could tell me she was
mistaken at a later date. I think that was understandable in some respects; I
was after all, trying to wrap my head around something I didn't understand. But
it was also really hard on her because she felt I wasn't listening. This might be brand new to you,
but your child has been feeling this way for a long time. And yes, gender and
sexuality can be pretty fluid for some of us, and how we feel one day may not
be how we feel the next. But if your child was sure enough to tell you, they're pretty sure about how they're feeling. So honour them where they're at today.
Right now. If things change later, you can both deal with it later. (But
there's a pretty good chance things aren't going to change. Just a heads up.)
Step
5: Educate yourself. Even if you think you know everything, you don't. There is some
great lesbian, gay, bisexual & transgender (LGBT) literature out there. Read
reputable books and websites. Join a local support group. Talk to people in the
LGBT community who can offer you some perspective. My child is trans and I have
no idea what that feels like. I never will. So I appreciate any time I get to
chat with a trans person about their experiences. The more I know, the better I
can help.
Step
6: Love your child. Did I mention that one already? Well, too bad. This is important and
deserves another mention. Lead with love
and everything else will fall into place. I held on to that belief over the
first few precarious weeks and it saved me from eating too many stress cookies.
Ok I'm lying about that. I ate way too many stress cookies. But I definitely
hyperventilated a lot less while I was trying to figure everything out. I knew
if I loved her and showed her I love her, we would sort the rest out. So far,
so good.
Step
7: Recognize that your child is the
expert on your child. The only one who knows
what's going on inside your kid is your kid. How they see themselves and who
they're attracted to is all inside their brain. You're the grownup, so you
probably know more about preparing a budget or driving a car, but you don't
know more about your child's sexual orientation or gender identity than they
do. My child's job is transitioning. My job is facilitating that transition and
going to bat for her when I need to. I follow her lead. Period.
Step
8: Stop caring what everyone else thinks. This one is harder for some of us (and by "some of us" I
mean me, the people pleasing junkie.) This isn't about what anyone else thinks.
The opinions of family, friends, colleagues and neighbours need to take a
backseat when you have a LGBT child. Not everyone is going to understand and
not everybody has to. We had a pretty positive experience after our child came
out, but we still lost some people. It hurt at first, but the folks we've met
since are far kinder and more open-minded than their predecessors. And isn't
that the type of person we want in our lives anyway? We upgraded, that's all.
Newer friend model. More bells and whistles. Now comes with side airbags and
empathy.
Step
9: Every now and then, make sure to look back and see how far
you've both come. Maybe you've made some
mistakes along the way, but look at where things are now. Your child is likely
the bravest person you know for being true to themselves in a world that tries
its best to force us to be like everyone else. And you? Well, you've grown
too. In fact, you're one of the
strongest people you know - even if you don't always see it. You've held
someone's hand through a proverbial hurricane and never let go. That takes an incredible amount of
resilience. You rock.
Step
10: Use what you know to help others.
Right now, there's a child getting ready to tell their parents something big.
And right after that happens, there are going to be some loved ones who will be
as scared and lost as you once felt. That's where you get to come in. Now that
you've weathered the initial storm, maybe you can share some perspective - and
an umbrella. And if they're not ready to support their child? At least they
know where to find you. If one of your child's LGBT friends doesn't have good
support at home, offer your home to hang out in as a safe space; a
judgment-free, LGBT-friendly spot for kids to just be themselves. We have a
sticker on our door that indicates our home is safe. And I have one on my car.
Oh, and I have a button on my jacket. I'm pretty much a walking safe space, and
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Step
11: Did I mention love your child? It's not easy when you don't fit neatly inside the typical boxes
society has laid out for us. Some days will be harder than others, even weeks,
months, or years later. But if our kids know they always have a soft place to
fall, it can make all the difference in the world. Unconditional love is the
biggest gift we can give them. And what they will teach us in return is
priceless. Our children are incredible when we let them shine.
So let them shine.