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| Source of all this bling: Wikipedia Commons. |
There was a time after Gutsy told us she's a girl that I wished we could go back. I was terrified. What did it mean to have a transgender child? How would we know what to do? How would people treat her? Would she ever be happy?
Before seemed simpler. Less scary. We had three kids who's outsides matched their insides. We had three kids in the school system. We had an established family identity of three boys, a dad and a (stupendously awesome) mom.
I wanted to go back.
I don't feel that way anymore. It's taken nearly five months, but I've finally accepted that, while this isn't an easy road, it's actually a pretty good one. A not-so-scary one. A cool one, even. Like, have you seen all the trans* stuff in the news lately? We have arrived.
All kidding aside (for once), I'm good with where we are right now. More importantly - because, believe it or not, there are things more important than how I feel (I know!) - my daughter is good with it. So good with it.
Taking her out of school was probably the best thing we've ever done. (Please remind me of this in September. I beg you.) She's no longer afraid of what the other 500 people at school will think of her. We've created a safe place for her to transition; a cocoon, if you will. She knows the world can be critical and cruel, but she doesn't have to deal with that right now.
In her world, there is no ridicule or shame. She has enough to deal with. She has appointments and injections and blood tests and mood swings and unlearning a lot of the gender roles society insisted upon when she was younger. And on top of all of that, she still has to have time to be a kid, figure out where she's headed in life, and create some great memories along the way. These are monument tasks.
And right now, the school system was a burden and not a help, so we took it away. No regrets.
Until I have to teach physics. Then fuck my life.
I don't want to go back to where we were because I've learned not only a lot about parenting and gender and advocacy through this experience, but I'm also learning a lot about me.
I'm learning that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.
I'm learning to re-prioritize life and put myself first.
I'm learning that I don't have the time or energy to devote to toxicity or negativity.
I'm learning that there's more to life than trying to make other people happy.
So no, I don't want to go back. I like it here where I'm not eating my feelings every day and I'm getting up early to go to the gym.
I like that I'm learning to say no, and to step away from situations that drain me.
I love the connections that have deepened as people have rallied around Gutsy, and the amazing new friendships we're forming with people we've met this year.
I love the way my daughter has started wearing shirts with a bit of glitter on them because they make her feel pretty (confidence!), or how she's getting brave enough to use the girls' washrooms when we're out.
I love watching how protective her brothers are of her, and how they have unequivocally accepted her for who she is. Those boys totally rock.
I love seeing the strength in my marriage and knowing we can weather anything together, because we've been through so much and I still think he's totally hot.
Oh, and he's nice and stuff too.
I never had the need to evaluate myself so deeply, or to spend so much time appreciating life. When Gutsy came out, I really didn't think I had it in me to give her the mass amount of support she'll require for years to come - not the way I was living, anyway. So I've had to make changes - big, bold changes - in order to be the kick ass woman I need to be. I see it not as an option, but as a job requirement with incredible benefits.
She may have very well saved my life while I've been fighting so hard to save hers. True story.
I'm not scared anymore. We're not going back, and I'm grateful for that. Forward is so much better.
And has more glitter.