A Mother's Step-by-Step Guide to Dyeing Her Hair

I spent an inordinate amount of time here. See step 2.

Step 1:

Check out you grey roots in the mirror. Sigh a lot. Curse under your breath about the stress of creating life that then runs around breaking shit and/or not doing its homework without the threat of "serious consequences." Realize that your serious consequence is the serious lack of pigmentation shooting out of your scalp.

Step 2:

 Go to the store. Scrutinize all the hair dye colours. Discount half of them immediately by reminding yourself that you are not 15, you do not look 15, nor do you want to resemble a groupie who recently stepped off Ozzy Osbourne's tour bus after twenty years who is still trying to look 15. Also, you do not own any snakeskin leggings to complete the look, which ruins the entire thing.

Step 3:

Spend an additional 20 minutes agonizing over the remaining 6 colours you might consider putting on your head. Daydream what you'd look like with a completely different style.  Imagine what friends and loved ones would think. Would this be a life-changing colour? Would people treat your differently? Would your partner want you even more? Would going blonde make your kids do homework without so much exuberant prompting?

Leave with the exact same colour you've used for the last four years.

Step 4:

Put dye on the counter so you can use it later, in your spare time.

Leave it there for several days.

Step 5:

 Dust off the top of the box. Apply the dye to your head. Make a bigger mess in your bathroom than a drunken toddler. Check out your eye wrinkles in the mirror. Sigh a lot. Wonder briefly if snakeskin pants and a bolder colour would offset said wrinkles.

Step 6:

 Google "aging groupies." Find your answer. Wish you could un-see things. Pat yourself on the back for not celebrating years of successful stadium shows with lines of cocaine with the drummer.

Step 7:

When the alarm goes off indicating that it's time to wash out the dye, walk back into the bathroom.

Remember that you have "resistant greys."

Sigh again. Walk back to the computer and Google "how to grow old gracefully" for another ten minutes.

Step 8:

Wash out dye. Clean up what looks like a natural disaster in your bathroom. Be grateful you don't have drunken toddlers.

Step 9:

Stare at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes. Smile a little. Realize you've still got it, you sexy, sexy bitch.

Step 10:

Load up an Ozzy playlist.

Step 11:

Remind yourself to repeat the process the next time you find some "spare time." 

Have a jolly good laugh.