How (Not) To Name Your Baby - a Poem
One of my very best friends is having a baby. I warned her not to have a third, but she didn't listen to me because she never listens to me. She was all, "Thanks for your concern, but it can't be that bad, Maven" and, "Once again, we're comfortable with our decision, Maven" and, "I think you should leave now, Maven," and then she was all, "The restraining order says '50 feet away at all times', Maven."
Despite my insistence, I could not get it through their heads that one day you're thinking a trio of kids would be a jolly notch in the belt of life, and the next thing you know the school board decides parent/teacher interviews need to take up three full days and you're given a mandatory five day weekend with your little belt notches and all the days start to bleed together and you contemplate running around the neighbourhood handing out complimentary condoms to the newlyweds and end up creating something like this amidst the 18th fight of the afternoon:
But sure, keep calling the cops every time I tape vasectomy pamphlets to your front door. What do I know?
Anyway, they're having a girl baby. I don't know what that's like, but I'm pretty sure it involves wiping front to back only, which is a huge pain in the sleep-deprived ass. So, yeah, way to go. Front to back only for months and months: That's what you get for not listening to me.
Amidst the (admittedly adorable) things I brought along with me to the festivities, I enclosed a poem about naming your baby. This is their first daughter and I don't want them making bad naming choices. Not because I'm an obsessive control freak, but because I've named so many baby girls that I'm pretty much an expert on the subject.
Ok, fine.
Not
because I've named so many baby girls. Shut up and stop rubbing it in.
Har har
, Maven has three boys. Whatever. Just read the damn poem.
HOW TO NAME YOUR BABY
A primer in poem by The Maven
So you're having a baby,
And I hear she's a girl,
It's a road filled with
It's a road filled with
Pink stuff and glittery swirl
Do you have a name yet?
If not, let me suggest,
If not, let me suggest,
That you choose something warm,
That it tugs on the chest,
That it's not something gaudy,
Like "Diva" or "Doddy",
Or a name like "Mercedes"
Or "Hoochie McHottie"
Don't look at me that way,
You know I mean well,
You'll choose something great!
You'll pick something swell!
But please stay away from "Trinity Belle",
Unless you want to wind up in a hot part of Hell
For people who can't name their children so well...
The latest trend is to give baby a brand,
To make sure your princess sounds like several grand,
But I urge you to please stay quite far away,
From naming your sweet one "Bling Chardonnay,"
"Evian Lexus,"
"Armani Chanel,"
"Starbucks McHortons,"
... Well, that last one was swell.
No matter her name,
She'll be quite a delight,
We look forwarding to seeing her eyes light up bright,
We'll look on in amazement as the wonders unfurl,
Upon your sweet,
Aptly-named,
Adorable girl
Ok, I admittedly got a little sappy there.
That's only because I'm hoping they'll drop the harassment suit before the baby arrives. It would be nice to be able to say, "I told you so" without having to scratch it into the hood of her car with my key.
So tedious.