One of my very best friends is having a baby. I warned her not to
have a third, but she didn't listen to me because she never listens to me. She was all, "Thanks for your
concern, but it can't be that bad, Maven" and, "Once
again, we're comfortable with our decision, Maven" and, "I think you
should leave now, Maven," and then she was all, "The restraining
order says '50 feet away at all times', Maven."
Despite my insistence, I could not get it through their heads that
one day you're thinking a trio of kids would be a jolly notch in the belt of
life, and the next thing you know the school board decides parent/teacher
interviews need to take up three full days and you're given a mandatory five
day weekend with your little belt notches and all the days start to bleed
together and you contemplate running around the neighbourhood handing out
complimentary condoms to the newlyweds and end up creating something like this
amidst the 18th fight of the afternoon:
But sure, keep calling the cops every time I
tape vasectomy pamphlets to your front door. What do I know?
Anyway, they're having a girl baby. I don't know
what that's like, but I'm pretty sure it involves wiping front to back only,
which is a huge pain in the sleep-deprived ass. So, yeah, way to go. Front to
back only for months and months: That's what you get for not listening to me.
Amidst the (admittedly adorable) things I
brought along with me to the festivities, I enclosed a poem about naming your
baby. This is their first daughter and I don't want them making bad naming
choices. Not because I'm an obsessive control freak, but because I've named so
many baby girls that I'm pretty much an expert on the subject.
Ok, fine. Not
because I've named so many baby girls. Shut up and stop rubbing it in. Har har, Maven has three boys. Whatever.
Just read the damn poem.
HOW TO NAME YOUR BABY
A primer in poem by The Maven
So you're
having a baby,
And I hear
she's a girl,
It's a road filled with
It's a road filled with
Pink stuff
and glittery swirl
Do you have
a name yet?
If not, let me suggest,
If not, let me suggest,
That you
choose something warm,
That it tugs
on the chest,
That it's
not something gaudy,
Like
"Diva" or "Doddy",
Or a name
like "Mercedes"
Or
"Hoochie McHottie"
Don't look
at me that way,
You know I
mean well,
You'll
choose something great!
You'll pick
something swell!
But please
stay away from "Trinity Belle",
Unless you
want to wind up in a hot part of Hell
For people
who can't name their children so well...
The latest
trend is to give baby a brand,
To make sure
your princess sounds like several grand,
But I urge
you to please stay quite far away,
From naming
your sweet one "Bling Chardonnay,"
"Evian
Lexus,"
"Armani
Chanel,"
"Starbucks
McHortons,"
... Well,
that last one was swell.
No matter
her name,
She'll be
quite a delight,
We look
forwarding to seeing her eyes light up bright,
We'll look
on in amazement as the wonders unfurl,
Upon your
sweet,
Aptly-named,
Adorable
girl
Ok, I admittedly got a little sappy there.
That's only because I'm hoping they'll drop the
harassment suit before the baby arrives. It would be nice to be able to say,
"I told you so" without having to scratch it into the hood of her car
with my key.
So tedious.