I got my very first tattoo today.
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I know, right? What the hell is going on here? Could someone be so egotistical as to get their lame-o blog name imprinted on their shoulder blade for all eternity? Who would do something so narcissistic?
Psst. Over here.
Today is your lucky day, my friend. I'm just insecure enough right now to explain the choices I make about my own body. And only because I'm PMSing. Otherwise I'd be all, "step off my grill, bitch," and you'd totally start crying and stuff and then I'd be all apologetic because I'm a people pleaser at heart and then we'd awkwardly hug it out and the whole thing would be messy.
Anyway, the thing is, Maven kinda saved me.*
Once upon a time, I was a lonely stay-at-home-mom named Amanda who ran a full-time daycare and was so pregnant with her third child she wanted to kill at least three people a day.** I was socially awkward, a little sad, and not entirely sure where I fit into the life that was going on around me.
I knew I was someone's mother.
I knew I was someone's wife.
I knew I was someone's daughter, sister, friend.
All good things, but I didn't know who I was apart from that.
And then, out of sheer frustration, I started this blog. I gave myself a catchy new nickname: The Maven of Mayhem. I used the blog as my place to vent about how crazy my life was. Because I was going by The Maven and not Amanda, it somehow gave me permission to be more honest. Amanda would have never said the things Maven said. Writing everything out did wonders for my mental state.
No, really. Try to imagine what I'm normally like today, but so much worse.
Now go call your therapist because that was probably really scary.
Maven also helped me grow as a writer. She helped me practice my storytelling and humour. I was a girl who thought she had no talent in anything, but writing this blog got people engaged, laughing, and thinking. They started telling me how much they could relate, or how much they needed the chuckle I gave them that day. They told me to keep writing because it brought them joy***.
And slowly, I started to believe in myself.
That confidence has lead me to take bigger risks. Thanks to Maven, I'm trying new things. I'm currently working on a huge screenwriting project. I've been featured and published and read on the radio, I've read my work in front of large groups of people. And they clap like I'm not paying them, even. I never, ever imagined any of this stuff would happen.
Maven has helped me meet great people. I'm surrounded by the brightest stars in the sky. If the old adage "show me your friends and I'll show you your future" is true, then my future is going to be totally amazeballs. I've formed some really meaningful relationships through this blog and the social media circles built up around it. I am a much better person because I know all of you.
Most importantly, Maven has helped me learn to accept who I am. She's helped me feel more comfortable with quirky, awkward, silly Amanda. She's allowed me to see that I can be more than just a mom, wife, friend, sister and daughter; that I'm not just someone playing a role in other people's lives, but have my own as well. I can shine as brightly as the other stars around me.
So, in short, I felt like I needed to commemorate this not-so-silly little blog and all the things it's done for me in the last few years. Maven has done nothing short of reshaping my entire life. And that's either the coolest or lamest realization ever. Either way, I couldn't think of a better thing to get inked on my skin.
There. I hope you've stopped judging me now. I've completely run out of chocolate and I'm one hormonal fluctuation away from geting rage-y.
*Maven did not save me in a physical sense or a Jesus sense, just an emotional one. Although, if you read the entire blog post and still needed this footnote, we might need to work on your comprehension skills.
**Disclaimer: I did not actually kill three people a day, or two, or even one. Although I stared down an older guy with a walker once and he almost fell down. Close enough.
***No one has ever said to me "keep writing because it brings me joy," I paraphrased the shit out of that.