Yesterday evening was exhausting. It was panic-induced meltdown city starring the middle gremlin over something not-so-big. The whole thing, which, with a typical child, would have taken an a few minutes, took over an hour. An hour of my senses being pounded with outdoor voice usage, stomping, begging, crying.
And did I mention I ate my dinner through it all? Look, don't judge me. You don't go to the gym five days a week and not take your food seriously, ok? It was leg day, and leg day is killer. Nothing can stop my mouth from inhaling protein on leg day. Not even a very loud nine-year-old.
You know what, though? I handled it pretty well, and so did he. Given what we've been through over the last several years, it wasn't that bad. It was one episode over one hour of a twenty-four hour period. It's no longer a daily occurrence, so I can deal with that. Things are getting better, slowly, with time and maturity - on both our parts. We're learning how to do this better.
I've learned so very much over the last nine years; nuggets of wisdom I wish I could pass back through time and hand to twenty-six-year-old me who held that beautiful ten pound baby boy in her arms and had no idea what the future held. I can't do that, so instead I'm going to share them here in the hopes that maybe someone just like me can read them and get something out of it. (Also, I will use "he" a lot, as I'm writing from my own experiences with my son. If you have a daughter, you can use that handy-dandy replacement trick where you replace "he" with "she" in your head, and maybe not go all troll on me about gender neutrality and such, ok? Ok. Thanks.)
Things I wish my younger self knew about raising quirky kids:
1. Surprise! You have a quirky kid. You know that older child you have and all those other children you know? He's not quite like them. You're probably going to have this idea that he should be because that's what you anticipated and that's what all the parenting articles tell you, but you need to get over that for his sake and yours. Step one: Accept the child you have and not the child you thought he would be. Not an easy task, I assure you. But you can do it. That whole unconditional love thing helps a lot.
2. Sometimes you're going to lose your shit. After a really bad day, after getting screamed at for long periods of time without reprieve, after not getting a single moment to yourself to recover, you're going to regret what you feel was an irrational or bad decision. These will be your darkest moments as a parent. These are the things that will haunt you and eat you alive if you let them. You love this little boy and you want to be the very best parent you can be for him. But it's okay, it really is. You're not a bad parent. You're not a terrible, abusive parent who's going to make the six o'clock news. You're just a mom at the end of her rope. Accept your limitations, apologize when you feel you need to, and move on. You're doing the best you can, and that's good enough. You may not see it right now, but it really is. And as he continues to grow up and mature into a really fantastic kid, you'll know you've done well. So go easy on yourself.
3. It's okay to ask for help. I know you're a strong, independent person who doesn't like to lean on people too much, but this is a non-negotiable item on the list. Look, families with typical kids need a good support circle; You're going to need a support circle on steroids. You're going to need to find your support circle on Muscle Beach, pumping iron, and ask it to lift you up. It won't mind because you're awesome. Trust me.
4. When you realize that you need to take things to the next level, do it. Get professional help. It's worth it. Therapy doesn't mean you can't handle things or that there's something terribly wrong with him. It will simply give everyone the skills to communicate more effectively and to understand one another better. Your kiddo is going to take it to like a fish to water, and you're going to breathe a sigh of relief when you see that therapy is helping to shift the family's dynamic to a much healthier one. In fact, you'll likely wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
5. Don't desperately seek a diagnosis for your child. It's not going to make him "better." At the same time, don't desperately avoid one, either. When you find a therapist that says "I don't want to overdiagnose and slap a big label on him, but I also don't want to under-diagnose him and possibly miss something important," you know you've struck mental health professional gold. That's a happy medium that works. Do the testing and see what happens. No matter the outcome, he's still the beautiful little person you love. That will never change.
6. Stay connected to your spouse. He is the greatest support you have. Don't lose each other in the chaos and the stress. Communicate, laugh, hug, cuddle, make love. Divorce rates are higher when there are special needs kids involved. Don't let that fact scare you, let it empower you.
7. Take time for you. Please, please, take care of yourself. Don't let yourself slip into depression, eat too much, not sleep enough, or stop doing the things that give you joy. Don't manage emotions with food, and don't use your kids as an excuse not to be healthier. If anything, your kids - especially your quirky one - need you at your best. You're going to feel as though you're drowning in responsibility and exhaustion. You're going to feel as though you have nary a second to spare for you. You're going to come up with a lot of reasons not to put yourself first. But put yourself first anyway. Force yourself. Go out with friends, eat more vegetables, paint, write, make exercise a daily priority. Make you a priority. You'll be happier, have more energy, and be able to handle everything with more patience and kindness. You are the only mother they have; the only mother they'll ever have. What would they do without you? Let's not find out the answer for a very long time.
8. Your son is not an extrovert. Don't try and make him one. Instead, accept who he is and help him practice his people skills a little at a time. He's going to be out of his shell at school all day, pushing himself to work in groups, play with friends and speak in front of the class. He's going to need down time when he gets home. Let him use the computer longer than you feel he should, as long as he plays with his brothers, does his chores, eats dinner with the family and completes his homework.
9. He is probably never going to like showers/baths, certain food textures/combinations, "scratchy" clothes, or falling asleep with the TV off. Get over it. This is not a negative reflection on your parenting. In fact, accepting that's just part of who he is makes you a progressive parent. Very trendy. Just please make sure he washes his hair anyway.
10. The fact that he's a little different than the norm is okay. In fact, it's downright awesome in a lot of ways. Think about it: you tore open your pack of gum and found the rare baseball card inside. But instead of a pack of gum it was a uterus and instead of tearing it open you-- well, okay, that part of the analogy is pretty similar. The point is, he's unique and has a lot to teach you. Some of the teachings are obvious, like learning to exercise a great deal of patience and understanding. Others, however, are more subtle, like learning to see the world in a new and unique way through his eyes. Remember that this small package has a big gift inside, even if it's not the one you ordered.