In response to some serious gay bashing by an Arkansas, USA school official, George Takei - who you might remember as Sulu in the original Star Trek series - sent out this message:
Oh, George! If you weren't strictly into dudes and old enough to be my grandpa, and I wasn't a pudgy married chick with three kids, we could be soulmates.
My favourite part of the video - other than his countdown clock insinuations - was the liberal use of the term "douchebag". Who needs to use the terms "homophobe", "bigot" or "asshole" when you can sum up the essence of all three into a nice little word and stick a pretty bow on top? Is this ex-school official a douchebag? You bet he is!
A few months ago, my friend Mea gifted me with cards that I've been salivating over for a very long time. I kept meaning to order some, but never got around to it because food always seemed to be more important (I must learn to prioritize better. My well-fed gremlins could easily skip one measly day of food in the name of my entertainment, right?). Thankfully, Mea decided these cards were as awesome as I am, and brought some in pretty orange packages when she came to visit us Canadians a couple of months ago:
I love my douche cards. They're so simple, yet they convey the message I'm trying to send perfectly. Finally, I have a way to let people know just how douchey their actions are. When would I use these cards? Here are a few examples:
The woman who yells at the poor lady behind the counter just because she feels entitled to treat service staff like garbage? You are a douche goes into her hand with a smile as she leaves in a haughty huff.
The obnoxious drunk guy at a party who won't stop hitting on my friend? Douche card with a fake number on it. Oh yeah.
The neighbours who throw a loud party until 2 a.m. with no thought for anyone else? Douche card in the mailbox first thing in the morning. Or, as I like to call it: Ding dong douche.
The guy who parks horizontally in a busy parking lot, taking up four spaces so his BMW doesn't get scratched? Card on the windshield, black facing out, white with writing facing in, so that he gets the message loud and clear just as he's putting his seatbelt on.
The possibilities are endless.
Are these cards passive aggressive? Absolutely. Is this a healthy way to deal with one's emotions? Hell, no. Or maybe it is. Maybe, after many years of dealing with inconsiderate people, a little action could feel good.
And, just maybe, Horizontal Parking Guy will think twice about his actions, especially if you write on the card that you had to walk your children all the way across a busy parking lot. Maybe the neighbours will bring the party inside after 11, and Angry Woman will think twice about yelling at people who will lose their jobs if they defend themselves and yell back. Obnoxious Drunk Guy might-- Oh, who are we kidding? He'll still be obnoxious and drunk at the next function.
The only problem is that I have yet to find anyone to give these cards to. I've wanted them for years and can list dozens of examples where having one at hand would have been good. Now, I carry them diligently around in my purse, but the only people I seem to hand them out to are friends and family when I'm showing them off. "Look at this!" I'll declare. "Here, keep this one in case you meet a real, live douche."
Where are all the real, live douches in my life? I'm perplexed. Murphy and his law have decreed that the minute I can use a weapon against douchery in the Ottawa/Gatineau region, not a single one will make themselves known to me. Once, someone cut me off in the Tim Hortons parking lot, but she was, like 107 years old, so I didn't have the heart to deface her windshield. Other than that, it's been a city filled with polite, happy people around The Maven. Damn it.
Since I have all these cards, I thought I might have a bit of a contest. Do you have a douche in your life? If so, I want to hear about it. Leave a comment below this post about a person in your life that you would give a douche card to. If you're concerned said douche will see your comment somehow, send me your tale of woe to my inbox at mavenmayhem@gmail.com. I want to be convinced that this is someone worthy, and that you'll actually go through with it and not chicken out and disappoint me. These are not cheap cards, people. I want them used appropriately!
I'll pick 5-10 great stories, contact you by email (so make sure you leave a valid one for me) and arrange to mail them out. Then, I'll post a summary of the type of individuals these cards will be gifted to. Let's snuff out of the flame of douchebaggery all over the planet, shall we? We're such great vigilantes.
Oh, George! If you weren't strictly into dudes and old enough to be my grandpa, and I wasn't a pudgy married chick with three kids, we could be soulmates.
My favourite part of the video - other than his countdown clock insinuations - was the liberal use of the term "douchebag". Who needs to use the terms "homophobe", "bigot" or "asshole" when you can sum up the essence of all three into a nice little word and stick a pretty bow on top? Is this ex-school official a douchebag? You bet he is!
A few months ago, my friend Mea gifted me with cards that I've been salivating over for a very long time. I kept meaning to order some, but never got around to it because food always seemed to be more important (I must learn to prioritize better. My well-fed gremlins could easily skip one measly day of food in the name of my entertainment, right?). Thankfully, Mea decided these cards were as awesome as I am, and brought some in pretty orange packages when she came to visit us Canadians a couple of months ago:
 |
| You want some now, don't you? |
I love my douche cards. They're so simple, yet they convey the message I'm trying to send perfectly. Finally, I have a way to let people know just how douchey their actions are. When would I use these cards? Here are a few examples:
The woman who yells at the poor lady behind the counter just because she feels entitled to treat service staff like garbage? You are a douche goes into her hand with a smile as she leaves in a haughty huff.
The obnoxious drunk guy at a party who won't stop hitting on my friend? Douche card with a fake number on it. Oh yeah.
The neighbours who throw a loud party until 2 a.m. with no thought for anyone else? Douche card in the mailbox first thing in the morning. Or, as I like to call it: Ding dong douche.
The guy who parks horizontally in a busy parking lot, taking up four spaces so his BMW doesn't get scratched? Card on the windshield, black facing out, white with writing facing in, so that he gets the message loud and clear just as he's putting his seatbelt on.
The possibilities are endless.
Are these cards passive aggressive? Absolutely. Is this a healthy way to deal with one's emotions? Hell, no. Or maybe it is. Maybe, after many years of dealing with inconsiderate people, a little action could feel good.
And, just maybe, Horizontal Parking Guy will think twice about his actions, especially if you write on the card that you had to walk your children all the way across a busy parking lot. Maybe the neighbours will bring the party inside after 11, and Angry Woman will think twice about yelling at people who will lose their jobs if they defend themselves and yell back. Obnoxious Drunk Guy might-- Oh, who are we kidding? He'll still be obnoxious and drunk at the next function.
The only problem is that I have yet to find anyone to give these cards to. I've wanted them for years and can list dozens of examples where having one at hand would have been good. Now, I carry them diligently around in my purse, but the only people I seem to hand them out to are friends and family when I'm showing them off. "Look at this!" I'll declare. "Here, keep this one in case you meet a real, live douche."
Where are all the real, live douches in my life? I'm perplexed. Murphy and his law have decreed that the minute I can use a weapon against douchery in the Ottawa/Gatineau region, not a single one will make themselves known to me. Once, someone cut me off in the Tim Hortons parking lot, but she was, like 107 years old, so I didn't have the heart to deface her windshield. Other than that, it's been a city filled with polite, happy people around The Maven. Damn it.
Since I have all these cards, I thought I might have a bit of a contest. Do you have a douche in your life? If so, I want to hear about it. Leave a comment below this post about a person in your life that you would give a douche card to. If you're concerned said douche will see your comment somehow, send me your tale of woe to my inbox at mavenmayhem@gmail.com. I want to be convinced that this is someone worthy, and that you'll actually go through with it and not chicken out and disappoint me. These are not cheap cards, people. I want them used appropriately!
I'll pick 5-10 great stories, contact you by email (so make sure you leave a valid one for me) and arrange to mail them out. Then, I'll post a summary of the type of individuals these cards will be gifted to. Let's snuff out of the flame of douchebaggery all over the planet, shall we? We're such great vigilantes.