A friend of mine who's expecting her first child wrote to me the other day asking my thoughts on staying home. She's trying to get a balanced picture; the pros and cons; the ups and downs; the good, the bad and the tired (there's a LOT of tired). I commend her for really thinking this through. It's not a black and white issue, that's for sure.
I gave her a very honest view of my life as a stay-at-home-mom with over thirteen years under my belt. I have many war wounds from the field, but also many medals.
Ok, I lied: I have no medals whatsoever. In fact, I don't even have a damn pay stub - probably the most significant drawback of the whole "unpaid work" thing. And the only war wounds I have are in the form of cellulite amassed from having too many "popcorn and a movie" afternoons with the gremlins. It's a risky job, but someone's gotta do it.
The thing about staying home is that it's not suited to everyone. Surely there are personality types that should probably avoid it altogether. So, what I should have done for my friend and others who question their parenting future, was use my wealth of experience to create a quiz for the potential stay-at-home-parent.
So, I am. Like, right now.
After years of agonizing over the choice women's lib has granted us, anyone can take The Maven's highly scientific self-test to help guide them down the right path at one of life's biggest forks. Gosh, I'm fabulous, aren't I?
Get your pens ready, kids! Here we go.
Question 1. A stay-at-home-parent is:
a) someone who dedicates themselves to full-time parenting instead of working outside the home
b) an aging parent who stays in your home and watches Matlock reruns while you're at work
c) a type of tropical fruit
Question 2. How do you feel about parenting?
a) becoming a parent has always been a priority for me
b) children are like really cute handbags, except they sometimes poop themselves
c) hey, did you notice 'a parent' sounds like 'apparent', and if you read the first answer out loud it sounds really, really funny? ...Uh, anyone got snacks? I've totally got the munchies...
Question 3. How important is your career to you?
a) I'd be willing to take some time off to be home with my kids
b) important enough that I can't imagine not going to work every day
c) the minute my baby starts making retirement contributions in my name, I'll quit my day job And freak out a little, because that would be really creepy. A baby at a bank? Totally random!
Question 4. How financially secure are you?
a) we pay all our bills and could probably manage on one income if we scaled back on the extras
b) we eat a lot of boxed macaroni and cheese around here
c) no, dude, like seriously. A lot of it. Sometimes with ketchup if we're feeling fancy
Question 5. Kids are really fun:
a) all the time! Kids are awesome, and I love spending my days with them
b) Before 9 and after 5. I might go a little wonky like that Maven chick if I didn't get a break
c) on YouTube. Only on YouTube.
Question 6. My idea of a perfect weekday morning is:
a) drinking a coffee in my jammies while I read a book with a snuggly toddler
b) getting kudos from my team for presenting a kick ass product idea. Go team me!
c) cruisin' for bitches.... Wait, what quiz is this again?
Question 7. A playgroup is:
a) a group of children and caregivers who have scheduled get-togethers so everyone can socialize
b) a synonym for "germ factory." Gross me out.
c) a group that puts on plays. Hence "play" and "group". Duh, stupid.
Question 8. My self-worth is based on:
a) who I am as a person, and very little to do with my career choice
b) how much money I make, or how important I am at my job
c) how many people tell me I look like Paris Hilton on a diet
Question 9. The idea of staying home to raise a family
a) interests me
b) makes me cringe
c) makes me want to tear out my uterus
Question 10. If I am home and looking for something to do, baby and I can visit:
a) a park
b) "baby and me" viewing at the local cinema
c) "baby and me" viewings at the local peep show
Now, add up how many a, b and c answers you have.
If you have primarily a answers, you are definitely a strong candidate for this rewarding yet terribly exhausting job. If you don't like coffee, it will make you like it. But it's also awesome in its own way, like you can eat whatever you want and don't get coworkers asking you to join their Weight Watchers group every Tuesday at lunch. And don't forget to bring a healthy salad! Gag me.
If you have primarily b answers, you could stay at home, but there is a chance you'll end up on Dr. Phil as one of those moms who orders prescription painkillers on the internet to cope with the tantrums. Just sayin'. There are plenty of good reasons not to stay home full-time. I've considered and reconsidered them many times. In the end, I'm still here and I like it, but it's no picnic (unless you're having an actual picnic, which we do quite often, come to think of it...)
If you primarily scored c answers, run - don't walk - to the nearest permanent birth control clinic. Pick up pamphlets on the subject and give it serious consideration. Cruisin' for bitches works a lot better when you don't have a car seat or two in the back of your minivan (trust me).
I hope this highly detailed test helped you sort out one of life's biggest questions.
You are most welcome. I accept payment in comments or coffee. Or both. Both is best.