Ever wonder where your little wonders will be in a few years? Well, nobody knows your kids better than you. My darling gremlins will ultimately choose their own ways to buy me wonderful Mother's Day gifts, but in case they need my wisdom to guide them, I have a few suggestions:
Intrepid:
Hoarder
This isn't exactly a career path, but since they now have a show dedicated to it, maybe Intrepid could make some money by allowing cameras into his cluttered chaos. A walk through his living room in twenty years could reveal anything from half-eaten snack wrappers to moldy old stacks of locker and desk entrails. Why does he insist on keeping every single workbook he's ever used? WHY?! I'm all for his love of education, but not an entire forest's worth in a 10x10 bedroom.
Screenplay Writer
Ah, talented, just like his mother! Intrepid is a child filled with great ideas and just enough procrastination to always put off writing the next big thing until later. Like I said, a chip off the ol' block; It's a good thing we started our family by accident and didn't put it on the to-do list or I would have been a 55-year-old first time mother. The good thing about screenplays is that they fetch a pretty penny - there's some motivation. And, he can keep his mother in the lap of luxury like she deserves (and would provide for herself, eventually. You know, when she got around it.)
Gutsy
Professor of Whine-ology
He could teach it in university; from the tone that makes a my eye twitch, right down to launching himself upon my bed as he says - for the tenth time - how incredibly hungry he is despite just eating dinner followed closely by a granola bar. Don't I know how starving he is? Don't I care? It's a delicate art, whining, and it takes an experienced professor to teach it properly. Before long, every student in his class would have a new car and their books paid by highly irritated parents who thought the whining stage ended at some point.
Fashion Designer
Today we went to an indoor play area with our good friend Jacob, his baby brother Liam and their mom/my awesome friend The Guilt Goddess. We had a blast, of course, despite my feelings of disappointment over the lack of snooty, distant, upscale moms who TGG says regularly frequent the area. I had my best fake smile ready, and was really looking forward to talking to them about my fixer-upper home and the van I'm still driving from - gasp! - 2005! There's nothing like some purposely uncomfortable conversation to make my PMS Wednesday a good one. Anyway, before the boys left they handed in the tickets earned from playing games in exchange for little prizes. They had everything from ninja action figures to stickers and kazoos. What did Gutsy pick? A necklace with a happy face and a blue bracelet - to match his blue outfit - of course. And earlier this week, he threw a fit in the morning because his clothes didn't "match". Now, if he could turn this passion of his into a runway career, not only would he make some killer cash, but those snooty moms would be clambering to share a bench with TGG and I at the park. "Um, Maven? Do you think Gutsé would design a gown for me to wear at the Ottawa Art Gala?" See? A win/win situation.
Spawnling:
Actor in a 2025 remake of The Hulk
Dude can go from happy to tantrum in mere milliseconds. Today I told him not to walk his new toy on the hood of someone else's car, which resulted in him yelling 'No!' and running full-tilt into the parking lot. His impulse control button has been malfunctioning as of late. I've contacted the manufacturer, but so far no recall has been issued on this model. We're going to have to go MacGyver and fix it with a shoelace, a piece of gum, and maybe six months of maturation. Help me.
CEO of a Candy Factory
The Spawn has a serious sugar addiction. No idea where he gets it. Nope, no clue whatsoever. Must be from his dad. I swear, all he needs is a top hat and a really bad suit and he could be Willy Wonka. And maybe, just maybe, he could meet Johnny Depp, who played Willy Wonka a few years ago. And maybe, just maybe, Johnny Depp would like to come visit the factory and meet Spawnling's mom. And maybe, just maybe, Johnny Depp would like to sneak off and knock boots with me in a bin of cotton candy.
Oh, sorry. This is about my kids' career paths. I'll save my fantasy romps with Johnny (and Chris, and the brothers in Supernatural, and nearly the entire cast of House, and...) for another post.
Intrepid:
Hoarder
This isn't exactly a career path, but since they now have a show dedicated to it, maybe Intrepid could make some money by allowing cameras into his cluttered chaos. A walk through his living room in twenty years could reveal anything from half-eaten snack wrappers to moldy old stacks of locker and desk entrails. Why does he insist on keeping every single workbook he's ever used? WHY?! I'm all for his love of education, but not an entire forest's worth in a 10x10 bedroom.
Screenplay Writer
Ah, talented, just like his mother! Intrepid is a child filled with great ideas and just enough procrastination to always put off writing the next big thing until later. Like I said, a chip off the ol' block; It's a good thing we started our family by accident and didn't put it on the to-do list or I would have been a 55-year-old first time mother. The good thing about screenplays is that they fetch a pretty penny - there's some motivation. And, he can keep his mother in the lap of luxury like she deserves (and would provide for herself, eventually. You know, when she got around it.)
Gutsy
Professor of Whine-ology
He could teach it in university; from the tone that makes a my eye twitch, right down to launching himself upon my bed as he says - for the tenth time - how incredibly hungry he is despite just eating dinner followed closely by a granola bar. Don't I know how starving he is? Don't I care? It's a delicate art, whining, and it takes an experienced professor to teach it properly. Before long, every student in his class would have a new car and their books paid by highly irritated parents who thought the whining stage ended at some point.
Fashion Designer
Today we went to an indoor play area with our good friend Jacob, his baby brother Liam and their mom/my awesome friend The Guilt Goddess. We had a blast, of course, despite my feelings of disappointment over the lack of snooty, distant, upscale moms who TGG says regularly frequent the area. I had my best fake smile ready, and was really looking forward to talking to them about my fixer-upper home and the van I'm still driving from - gasp! - 2005! There's nothing like some purposely uncomfortable conversation to make my PMS Wednesday a good one. Anyway, before the boys left they handed in the tickets earned from playing games in exchange for little prizes. They had everything from ninja action figures to stickers and kazoos. What did Gutsy pick? A necklace with a happy face and a blue bracelet - to match his blue outfit - of course. And earlier this week, he threw a fit in the morning because his clothes didn't "match". Now, if he could turn this passion of his into a runway career, not only would he make some killer cash, but those snooty moms would be clambering to share a bench with TGG and I at the park. "Um, Maven? Do you think Gutsé would design a gown for me to wear at the Ottawa Art Gala?" See? A win/win situation.
Spawnling:
Actor in a 2025 remake of The Hulk
Dude can go from happy to tantrum in mere milliseconds. Today I told him not to walk his new toy on the hood of someone else's car, which resulted in him yelling 'No!' and running full-tilt into the parking lot. His impulse control button has been malfunctioning as of late. I've contacted the manufacturer, but so far no recall has been issued on this model. We're going to have to go MacGyver and fix it with a shoelace, a piece of gum, and maybe six months of maturation. Help me.
CEO of a Candy Factory
The Spawn has a serious sugar addiction. No idea where he gets it. Nope, no clue whatsoever. Must be from his dad. I swear, all he needs is a top hat and a really bad suit and he could be Willy Wonka. And maybe, just maybe, he could meet Johnny Depp, who played Willy Wonka a few years ago. And maybe, just maybe, Johnny Depp would like to come visit the factory and meet Spawnling's mom. And maybe, just maybe, Johnny Depp would like to sneak off and knock boots with me in a bin of cotton candy.
Oh, sorry. This is about my kids' career paths. I'll save my fantasy romps with Johnny (and Chris, and the brothers in Supernatural, and nearly the entire cast of House, and...) for another post.