Every now and then I need to stage an intervention in an effort to preserve a friendship.
It's not something I like doing, but if i feel it's necessary I'll use every ounce of assertiveness I can muster and present the problem in a loving and constructive way. I'll state the problem, provide reasons why it's an issue, and list a series of solutions.
Being really funny and incredibly good looking, I have a lot of friends, and thus a great deal of experience in staging these loving interventions. It's just what I do, being a great person and all.
Here are just some of crises I've had to help friends address over the years:
- Brown and black do not match, ever, and should not be worn together unless it's laundry day
- The reason you're not getting dates is because acid wash jeans went out with teasing one's bangs up (which you're still doing, so please stop)
- If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, he's obviously screwing his secretary
- The fact that your toddler is calling everyone 'stupid' is a clear sign of your inability to parent effectively
No. Forget the last one. That's the intervention I'm expecting to get any day now.
The most recent intervention took place about three days ago, when I confronted none other than Pixie.
Now, some of you may be asking yourselves why I keep mentioning Pixie more often than other friends. It could be that I spend a great deal of time with her. It could be that she's just incredibly funny and gives me a lot of material. It could be that she gets a real kick out of being mentioned on my blog and that it's likely about as close to being a celebrity as she'll get in her lifetime.
But, the truth is, I'm madly in love and have plans to leave my husband so that she and I may escape to somewhere warm and build a new life together. All of these blog posts are my subconscious way of wooing her; of making her feel special enough to want to drop her entire life for me.
Actually, none of that is true (except, perhaps, wanting to live somewhere warm), but starting internet rumours can be a huge career booster. Don't Brangelina command more attention and money because their relationship began as an affair? Doesn't Tom Cruise still get cast in roles because he jumped a couch on Oprah?
Well, this is me, couch jumping an affair. Now somebody pay up.
But I digress...
Pixie and I used to send each other a lot of texts on our spiffy new phones. Lately, however, it seems like I've been doing most of the texting. One morning I informed her (via a text message, of course) that I was developing a complex. With that, she decided to give me a call:
"What's up, precious?" asked Pixie, completely unaware of the serious situation awaiting her. Incidentally, she calls everyone 'precious', so don't read into that too much. Other pet names for people involve 'baby', 'sweetheart' and 'darling'. She calls one of her sons 'Milkybug', although I'm grateful to not have shared that particular nickname.
"Baby," I said, because I'm now in the habit of using her pet names on her, "I need to talk to you about your serious lack of texting."
There was a slight pause before she asked "My serious... What?"
"Lack of texting. It's become a bit of a problem recently, Shnookums."
"I'm not quite sure I know what..."
"Pix, do you know how texting works? Generally, when you text someone asking a question or saying something funny, they reply or at least acknowledge receipt of your text. It's, as I like to call it, 'textiquette'. And sweetheart, you've been slacking on the textiquette."
"... But, but... My mom is visiting. I can't text when my mom is visiting. And before that I was on vacation, remember?" defended Pixie.
"Do you know how iPhone texting works? See, there are these coloured chat bubbles. In this case, green bubbles and grey bubbles. When I text you it shows up as a green bubble. When you text me it shows as grey. (I will now provide a handy dandy visual for my iPhone-less readers, courtesy of this website:)
"Pixie, in the last few weeks I've noticed a slow decline of grey bubbles in our conversation. So much, in fact, that there is now nearly a 4:1 ratio of green to grey. Do you know what this means?"
"That I've been busy? Or that you need a hobby?" retorted Pixie. Denial is so thick and so angry, isn't it?
"No. It means that you've been a bad friend. I'd like to think I have acceptable standards for friendship, and I fear you've crossed the line. If you're going to enter into a texting relationship with me you need to respect the rules of that relationship. Pixie, I'm afraid that if you don't get help for whatever is creating this lack of response, I may have to dump you as a text friend altogether and just see you at the park." I was firm, yet loving. It's a gift.
"You wouldn't!" she challenged. This is often how addicts behave, so it doesn't surprise me that slackers would do the same.
I took a deep breath. "Milkybug, it's time for change. Will you make that change with me?"
The anger left her and she melted into a puddle of acceptance. It was beautiful. I'm pleased to report that she's been practicing excellent textiquette for the last three days by doing it one day at a time. It's beautiful and I'm proud of her. It's also a relief, because interviewing for a Pixie replacement would take up a lot of my summer and I honestly don't have time for that.
Interventions are an important part of friendship. Be kind, and help those around you see it your way.
It's not something I like doing, but if i feel it's necessary I'll use every ounce of assertiveness I can muster and present the problem in a loving and constructive way. I'll state the problem, provide reasons why it's an issue, and list a series of solutions.
Being really funny and incredibly good looking, I have a lot of friends, and thus a great deal of experience in staging these loving interventions. It's just what I do, being a great person and all.
Here are just some of crises I've had to help friends address over the years:
- Brown and black do not match, ever, and should not be worn together unless it's laundry day
- The reason you're not getting dates is because acid wash jeans went out with teasing one's bangs up (which you're still doing, so please stop)
- If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, he's obviously screwing his secretary
- The fact that your toddler is calling everyone 'stupid' is a clear sign of your inability to parent effectively
No. Forget the last one. That's the intervention I'm expecting to get any day now.
The most recent intervention took place about three days ago, when I confronted none other than Pixie.
Now, some of you may be asking yourselves why I keep mentioning Pixie more often than other friends. It could be that I spend a great deal of time with her. It could be that she's just incredibly funny and gives me a lot of material. It could be that she gets a real kick out of being mentioned on my blog and that it's likely about as close to being a celebrity as she'll get in her lifetime.
But, the truth is, I'm madly in love and have plans to leave my husband so that she and I may escape to somewhere warm and build a new life together. All of these blog posts are my subconscious way of wooing her; of making her feel special enough to want to drop her entire life for me.
Actually, none of that is true (except, perhaps, wanting to live somewhere warm), but starting internet rumours can be a huge career booster. Don't Brangelina command more attention and money because their relationship began as an affair? Doesn't Tom Cruise still get cast in roles because he jumped a couch on Oprah?
Well, this is me, couch jumping an affair. Now somebody pay up.
But I digress...
Pixie and I used to send each other a lot of texts on our spiffy new phones. Lately, however, it seems like I've been doing most of the texting. One morning I informed her (via a text message, of course) that I was developing a complex. With that, she decided to give me a call:
"What's up, precious?" asked Pixie, completely unaware of the serious situation awaiting her. Incidentally, she calls everyone 'precious', so don't read into that too much. Other pet names for people involve 'baby', 'sweetheart' and 'darling'. She calls one of her sons 'Milkybug', although I'm grateful to not have shared that particular nickname.
"Baby," I said, because I'm now in the habit of using her pet names on her, "I need to talk to you about your serious lack of texting."
There was a slight pause before she asked "My serious... What?"
"Lack of texting. It's become a bit of a problem recently, Shnookums."
"I'm not quite sure I know what..."
"Pix, do you know how texting works? Generally, when you text someone asking a question or saying something funny, they reply or at least acknowledge receipt of your text. It's, as I like to call it, 'textiquette'. And sweetheart, you've been slacking on the textiquette."
"... But, but... My mom is visiting. I can't text when my mom is visiting. And before that I was on vacation, remember?" defended Pixie.
"Do you know how iPhone texting works? See, there are these coloured chat bubbles. In this case, green bubbles and grey bubbles. When I text you it shows up as a green bubble. When you text me it shows as grey. (I will now provide a handy dandy visual for my iPhone-less readers, courtesy of this website:)
"Pixie, in the last few weeks I've noticed a slow decline of grey bubbles in our conversation. So much, in fact, that there is now nearly a 4:1 ratio of green to grey. Do you know what this means?"
"That I've been busy? Or that you need a hobby?" retorted Pixie. Denial is so thick and so angry, isn't it?
"No. It means that you've been a bad friend. I'd like to think I have acceptable standards for friendship, and I fear you've crossed the line. If you're going to enter into a texting relationship with me you need to respect the rules of that relationship. Pixie, I'm afraid that if you don't get help for whatever is creating this lack of response, I may have to dump you as a text friend altogether and just see you at the park." I was firm, yet loving. It's a gift.
"You wouldn't!" she challenged. This is often how addicts behave, so it doesn't surprise me that slackers would do the same.
I took a deep breath. "Milkybug, it's time for change. Will you make that change with me?"
The anger left her and she melted into a puddle of acceptance. It was beautiful. I'm pleased to report that she's been practicing excellent textiquette for the last three days by doing it one day at a time. It's beautiful and I'm proud of her. It's also a relief, because interviewing for a Pixie replacement would take up a lot of my summer and I honestly don't have time for that.
Interventions are an important part of friendship. Be kind, and help those around you see it your way.