Dear Maven,
Thank you for your most recent proposal. Our records indicate you have submitted similar ones 68 times between 1996 and present. We have reviewed your bid to sell us Gutsy, 6, and Spawnling, 2. However, we have some concerns which we will describe in the following paragraphs.
Firstly, most parents ask for at least a nominal fee when the transfer takes place. We were intrigued by your suggestion of a $25 Starbucks gift card. That is not only a minute award but also sounds a little desperate. Why would you not take at least a few gold coins for all the hard work you've done raising them?
Secondly, you describe Gutsy to be "a spirited individual who will not back down in the face of controversy and will probably be very good at scaring bandits and wolf packs away with his mighty yell". Spawnling is said to have "teeth sharp enough to break fishing line and nails that could scare a roaming bear away with one swipe - trust me, I know". These statements appear innocuous and even beneficial to us on the surface, but we suspect there may be more to it.
But what really concerned us was the rumour of a third child you will not part with who is 12 years old. What is so wrong with the other two that you would only sell them?
Also, we have heard you refer to them as "gremlins". What mother would call her kids something so horrible? They must be very rotten to deserve such a nickname.
In short, it is our belief that you are not being fully honest in this transaction and thus, we have decided to decline your offer. We hope you will find a better fit for your offspring in the very near future.
Sincerely,
The People Formally Known as Gypsies Until That Was Deemed Politically Incorrect By Somebody - Probably Us - But Wikipedia Doesn't Have That Information.
Dear People Formally... Screw it.
Dear Gypsies,
Listen. You have it all wrong. My chidren are perfect little darlings who bring me much joy.
My reasons for trying to sell them are purely health-related. See, my cat has suddenly become very allergic to them, and he's been with us for 15 years. That's nine whole years before Gutsy even came along. How fair would it be to my poor old cat if I shoved him down the hierarchy and found him a new home instead?
I'm sure you're beginning to see my point.
As for the descriptions of Gutsy and Spawnling, I only wanted to showcase their unique abilities as they would pertain to life in a travelling community. It is my sincere hope that they be so valued they get their very own caravan. They could send me pictures of their adventures when they're not screaming and fighting over the cam...
(Where's my white-out?)
Also, there seems to be a cultural miscommunication going on here: "Gremlin" is a popular term of endearment in Canada. It means "well-behaved child." Honest.
My decision not to sell Intrepid is entirely for your benefit. He's a bad, bad seed. He stays up until 9:30 every night and watches PG television. He's not even thirteen yet! He also uses gel in his hair to get that spiked, punk rocker look. And sometimes he forgets to feed the rabbits or take out the trash, or he'll eat ice cream when we're out of the house and when we come home there's none left. Now, I ask you: Do you really want someone like that travelling with you? I think not.
In short, I ask you to reconsider my offer given the clarifications I've provided. You may still pay me in a gift card, but I'll also accept a new iPod or 42" flatscreen television. Whatever works best.
Sincerely yours,
The Maven
Thank you for your most recent proposal. Our records indicate you have submitted similar ones 68 times between 1996 and present. We have reviewed your bid to sell us Gutsy, 6, and Spawnling, 2. However, we have some concerns which we will describe in the following paragraphs.
Firstly, most parents ask for at least a nominal fee when the transfer takes place. We were intrigued by your suggestion of a $25 Starbucks gift card. That is not only a minute award but also sounds a little desperate. Why would you not take at least a few gold coins for all the hard work you've done raising them?
Secondly, you describe Gutsy to be "a spirited individual who will not back down in the face of controversy and will probably be very good at scaring bandits and wolf packs away with his mighty yell". Spawnling is said to have "teeth sharp enough to break fishing line and nails that could scare a roaming bear away with one swipe - trust me, I know". These statements appear innocuous and even beneficial to us on the surface, but we suspect there may be more to it.
But what really concerned us was the rumour of a third child you will not part with who is 12 years old. What is so wrong with the other two that you would only sell them?
Also, we have heard you refer to them as "gremlins". What mother would call her kids something so horrible? They must be very rotten to deserve such a nickname.
In short, it is our belief that you are not being fully honest in this transaction and thus, we have decided to decline your offer. We hope you will find a better fit for your offspring in the very near future.
Sincerely,
The People Formally Known as Gypsies Until That Was Deemed Politically Incorrect By Somebody - Probably Us - But Wikipedia Doesn't Have That Information.
Dear People Formally... Screw it.
Dear Gypsies,
Listen. You have it all wrong. My chidren are perfect little darlings who bring me much joy.
My reasons for trying to sell them are purely health-related. See, my cat has suddenly become very allergic to them, and he's been with us for 15 years. That's nine whole years before Gutsy even came along. How fair would it be to my poor old cat if I shoved him down the hierarchy and found him a new home instead?
I'm sure you're beginning to see my point.
As for the descriptions of Gutsy and Spawnling, I only wanted to showcase their unique abilities as they would pertain to life in a travelling community. It is my sincere hope that they be so valued they get their very own caravan. They could send me pictures of their adventures when they're not screaming and fighting over the cam...
(Where's my white-out?)
Also, there seems to be a cultural miscommunication going on here: "Gremlin" is a popular term of endearment in Canada. It means "well-behaved child." Honest.
My decision not to sell Intrepid is entirely for your benefit. He's a bad, bad seed. He stays up until 9:30 every night and watches PG television. He's not even thirteen yet! He also uses gel in his hair to get that spiked, punk rocker look. And sometimes he forgets to feed the rabbits or take out the trash, or he'll eat ice cream when we're out of the house and when we come home there's none left. Now, I ask you: Do you really want someone like that travelling with you? I think not.
In short, I ask you to reconsider my offer given the clarifications I've provided. You may still pay me in a gift card, but I'll also accept a new iPod or 42" flatscreen television. Whatever works best.
Sincerely yours,
The Maven