So, what did you get for Valentine's Day? Something unoriginal and dull like chocolate or flowers or diamonds?
Yawn.
I got something much more thoughtful than that. Something that tops all that romantic hoopla: Today, I got a new kitchen floor.
That better not be laughter I'm sensing. Or eye rolling. You just don't know my old floor, that's all. It was made of outdoor pine siding that ran opposite the original wood flooring in the rest of the house, and met in a garish clash right in the middle of the kitchen. Design disaster!
The Maven did not approve. It was scheduled to be one of the first things we changed when we moved in a year and a half ago.
But then all these other things needed to be fixed that were apparently more urgent, like leaky roofs and bathrooms. Whatever. Ugly floorboards are more embarrassing than black mould any day. What a little asthma attack every now and then when your entire kitchen looks like ass?
Like that wasn't enough incentive. I mean, just me wanting it changed should have caused a big enough stir to have the task completed on the second day of home ownership. But noooo. We had to incorporate injury into it. I've had a total of at least fifteen splinters in my feet as a result of the nasty old wood attacking me through my socks. The boys have had their fair share as well. Nothing says good morning like pain between your toes.
Siding is not meant to be used as flooring, just so you know. That's my expert advice for anyone contemplating it. I'm sure it's fairly common for someone to look around a home improvement store and say to themselves "You know, flooring is really expensive. I think I might just stain some outdoor pine siding and stick it awkwardly in the kitchen so it can wear down significantly over time and injure people."
If that's one of the things that also goes through your mind, I feel it important to let you know that you are a giant dumbass who is too dumb to own a house. I speak from the standpoint of someone who takes tweezers to her feet every couple of weeks thanks to a reno faux pas made thirty years ago.
Then, to add a cherry to the injuries and eyesores sundae, the fact that the floor was highly unsanitary needs to be discussed. There were huge gaps between some of the boards, resulting in entirely new species growing out of the crumbs and dust that were unavoidably swept in there on a daily basis. Seriously: some of the cracks were so deep that they required their own postal code. I could have charged admission to Canada's version of the Grand Canyon found two feet from my fridge.
So, you can keep your chocolate and flowers and useless diamonds that were probably mined by some enslaved person in a third world country. You can even brag to me about it. I don't mind.
My husband loves me to the point where he gets me on a whole new level. Instead of buying me stuff I would enjoy temporarily, he took me and some coffee to the hardware store. Then he spent his entire day covering up the filthy, scary floor in my kitchen with some lovely vinyl tiles so my poor feet will be spared further abuse and so we will not create the next strain of ebola.
That's love, people. That's the love of two souls who have been together for 15 years and know what the other person really desires.
Besides, my mommy gave me chocolate. Neener neener.
Happy Valentine's Day.
And, also, can you please watch this movie and do something about it? Sign the petition like I did. Let's help some people who undoubtedly love each other enough to put in new flooring, too.
Yawn.
I got something much more thoughtful than that. Something that tops all that romantic hoopla: Today, I got a new kitchen floor.
That better not be laughter I'm sensing. Or eye rolling. You just don't know my old floor, that's all. It was made of outdoor pine siding that ran opposite the original wood flooring in the rest of the house, and met in a garish clash right in the middle of the kitchen. Design disaster!
The Maven did not approve. It was scheduled to be one of the first things we changed when we moved in a year and a half ago.
But then all these other things needed to be fixed that were apparently more urgent, like leaky roofs and bathrooms. Whatever. Ugly floorboards are more embarrassing than black mould any day. What a little asthma attack every now and then when your entire kitchen looks like ass?
Like that wasn't enough incentive. I mean, just me wanting it changed should have caused a big enough stir to have the task completed on the second day of home ownership. But noooo. We had to incorporate injury into it. I've had a total of at least fifteen splinters in my feet as a result of the nasty old wood attacking me through my socks. The boys have had their fair share as well. Nothing says good morning like pain between your toes.
Siding is not meant to be used as flooring, just so you know. That's my expert advice for anyone contemplating it. I'm sure it's fairly common for someone to look around a home improvement store and say to themselves "You know, flooring is really expensive. I think I might just stain some outdoor pine siding and stick it awkwardly in the kitchen so it can wear down significantly over time and injure people."
If that's one of the things that also goes through your mind, I feel it important to let you know that you are a giant dumbass who is too dumb to own a house. I speak from the standpoint of someone who takes tweezers to her feet every couple of weeks thanks to a reno faux pas made thirty years ago.
Then, to add a cherry to the injuries and eyesores sundae, the fact that the floor was highly unsanitary needs to be discussed. There were huge gaps between some of the boards, resulting in entirely new species growing out of the crumbs and dust that were unavoidably swept in there on a daily basis. Seriously: some of the cracks were so deep that they required their own postal code. I could have charged admission to Canada's version of the Grand Canyon found two feet from my fridge.
So, you can keep your chocolate and flowers and useless diamonds that were probably mined by some enslaved person in a third world country. You can even brag to me about it. I don't mind.
My husband loves me to the point where he gets me on a whole new level. Instead of buying me stuff I would enjoy temporarily, he took me and some coffee to the hardware store. Then he spent his entire day covering up the filthy, scary floor in my kitchen with some lovely vinyl tiles so my poor feet will be spared further abuse and so we will not create the next strain of ebola.
That's love, people. That's the love of two souls who have been together for 15 years and know what the other person really desires.
Besides, my mommy gave me chocolate. Neener neener.
Happy Valentine's Day.
And, also, can you please watch this movie and do something about it? Sign the petition like I did. Let's help some people who undoubtedly love each other enough to put in new flooring, too.