Finally, I'm Normal
In AA we talk about normal, or social, drinkers. Those are the people who enjoy a glass of wine every so often with dinner, or only have a few drinks when they're out with friends.
Then, they go along their merry way for days, weeks or months at time without having anything alcoholic. Just like that. Like a neat-o magic trick.
They don't center their lives around drinking; they do it as an aside, like if the function they're at happens to have alcohol, they might indulge. They usually won't overindulge either, as that could lead to poor choices or a hangover and it's just not worth it to them.
I've never understood these people. I've never been able to wrap my noggin around this lifestyle of theirs. I've contemplated performing tests on a social drinker, like ripping a martini from their hand to see what the reaction would be. As a practicing alcoholic I would have lunged over the table and politely snapped their wrist in order to get my damn drink back, carefully trying not to spill any liquid self-esteem in the process.
I've found myself quizzing social drinkers, even after 17 years of sobriety:
"So, like, how do you not want to get drunk all the time without a 12 step program in your life?"
"Do you realize how odd it is that you can stop at just one ? You're a total freak."
"Does the drink taste bad? Is that why you're not having more? Couldn't you just block your nose and down the next one?"
"So what if you lose your inhibitions? Most guys that would take a drunk girl home have some alcohol and/or drugs lying around anyway, so what's the problem?"
The problem is that I am not normal a normal person. I know it's hard to believe that I, The Maven, am not the standard upon which all living creatures should base themselves, but that's the conclusion I've come to.
Take a breath, people. I know that's a tough pill to swallow.
People with addictive personalities have to work very hard at not wanting the things that feel good to the point where it becomes a problem. My entire life has been lived with the desire for instant gratification. Some of the proofs of this are: the HDTV in my livingroom (thought and bought the same day), the countless 'if I get this I'll read it right away' books on the shelf who's spines have yet to be cracked months or years later, and the bag of chips that sits on the table next to me because eating them now tastes better than fitting into my new winter coat more comfortably next week.
Having spent my entire life basking in the dysfunction of I-want-a-lot-of-it-all-the-time syndrome, I felt quite alien next to all the perfect social-whatever jerks who make me look bad.
Then, a brilliant thing happened. A light came on.
(Lights are brilliant, are they not? Do not question my prose.)
I realized recently that I am social when it comes to one thing and one thing only:
I am a social blogger.
Think about it: When was the last time I blogged? (I'm practically giving the points away: scroll down for the answer). Friday of last week, correct? And before that? The day before... Ok. I had a bit of a binge going on. But before that was Monday, and before that Saturday... And then...
Well, look! Could that be partial abstinence I see? A pattern of blogging which could be indicative of a balance between my online life and the life I have when I close my laptop?
Amazing, isn't it? I'm actually normal. Me. Normal! And all I had to do was be a giant slacker who doesn't feel like putting the effort into writing!
Two conclusions here:
1. My name is The Maven and I am a social blogger
2. You social drinkers aren't healthier than I am. You're just slacking off on the drinking because you're too lazy to develop a full-fledged addiction.
Hah! Who's the awesomest one now?
Then, they go along their merry way for days, weeks or months at time without having anything alcoholic. Just like that. Like a neat-o magic trick.
They don't center their lives around drinking; they do it as an aside, like if the function they're at happens to have alcohol, they might indulge. They usually won't overindulge either, as that could lead to poor choices or a hangover and it's just not worth it to them.
I've never understood these people. I've never been able to wrap my noggin around this lifestyle of theirs. I've contemplated performing tests on a social drinker, like ripping a martini from their hand to see what the reaction would be. As a practicing alcoholic I would have lunged over the table and politely snapped their wrist in order to get my damn drink back, carefully trying not to spill any liquid self-esteem in the process.
I've found myself quizzing social drinkers, even after 17 years of sobriety:
"So, like, how do you not want to get drunk all the time without a 12 step program in your life?"
"Do you realize how odd it is that you can stop at just one ? You're a total freak."
"Does the drink taste bad? Is that why you're not having more? Couldn't you just block your nose and down the next one?"
"So what if you lose your inhibitions? Most guys that would take a drunk girl home have some alcohol and/or drugs lying around anyway, so what's the problem?"
The problem is that I am not normal a normal person. I know it's hard to believe that I, The Maven, am not the standard upon which all living creatures should base themselves, but that's the conclusion I've come to.
Take a breath, people. I know that's a tough pill to swallow.
People with addictive personalities have to work very hard at not wanting the things that feel good to the point where it becomes a problem. My entire life has been lived with the desire for instant gratification. Some of the proofs of this are: the HDTV in my livingroom (thought and bought the same day), the countless 'if I get this I'll read it right away' books on the shelf who's spines have yet to be cracked months or years later, and the bag of chips that sits on the table next to me because eating them now tastes better than fitting into my new winter coat more comfortably next week.
Having spent my entire life basking in the dysfunction of I-want-a-lot-of-it-all-the-time syndrome, I felt quite alien next to all the perfect social-whatever jerks who make me look bad.
Then, a brilliant thing happened. A light came on.
(Lights are brilliant, are they not? Do not question my prose.)
I realized recently that I am social when it comes to one thing and one thing only:
I am a social blogger.
Think about it: When was the last time I blogged? (I'm practically giving the points away: scroll down for the answer). Friday of last week, correct? And before that? The day before... Ok. I had a bit of a binge going on. But before that was Monday, and before that Saturday... And then...
Well, look! Could that be partial abstinence I see? A pattern of blogging which could be indicative of a balance between my online life and the life I have when I close my laptop?
Amazing, isn't it? I'm actually normal. Me. Normal! And all I had to do was be a giant slacker who doesn't feel like putting the effort into writing!
Two conclusions here:
1. My name is The Maven and I am a social blogger
2. You social drinkers aren't healthier than I am. You're just slacking off on the drinking because you're too lazy to develop a full-fledged addiction.
Hah! Who's the awesomest one now?