This week's lesson needed some prep, which is what took so long. I had to conduct some scientific experiments and do extensive research. I wouldn't want to provide innacurate information to the masses, as that would ruin my credibility.
The Maven is all about cred. Bitchin' street cred. And credit card cred (especially with low interest rates.)
Today we're going to examine the genetic origins of the male species. In order to understand how boys work, we must first comprehend where they come from.
Males are made when sperm meets egg. But not just any old egg and certainly not just any old sperm. Just the right combination needs to happen in order to make it work.
When a couple conceives a girl, it's generally during or just after a chick flick. In fact, one German study showed that 76% of women fell pregnant with daughters within minutes of Tom Cruise letting Rene Zellweger know that she completes him. Flowers, scented candles or complimenting a woman's designer handbag are also great ways to increase your chances of a female heir.
So what, then, creates a boy? Couples are more likely to conceive a male child if intercourse is had in the following ways:
1. During or after a rugby game
2. In or near a sports car, monster truck or any sort of farm equipment
3. At the tail end of a drunken night of debauchery
4. After watching at least 50% of any Jackass movie
5. When any of the following words are used (preferably in conjunction): Boobies, bum, hockey, fart, or roadkill
When these scientifically proven male-producing situations occur, sperm wearing trojan helmets and wielding samurai swords (or, less often, spiked maces) are released. After marking their little spermy faces with war paint, the army races through the birth canal in search of their prize. Scientists have discovered small, stick-like buildings while performing routine ultrasounds. This has lead to the theory that these sperm armies will stop and build tree forts in the uterus on their way to the fallopian tubes.
The mother-to-be's eggs are all individual, but have one common genetic defect: they feel the best way to meet a man is at a bar. Sperm armies are attracted to any egg who happens to be shaped like an hourglass, although blonde ones are usually preferred. If a blonde, hourglass-shaped egg is strolling down the fallopian tube on a Saturday night and happens upon a hiphop club, the leader of the trojan army will send over a martini from the bar. "This is from the sperm in the front," the waitress will say. The egg will giggle shyly and wink.
Once she's had a few more beverages and is practically falling over, a bar fight will erupt between all the sperm. Tails flail and insults fly. Sperm from the west teste will mock those from the east. They may battle it out in an epic rap tournament, dissing each other with some phat beats bumping in the background. Whoever wins gets to take the inebriated blonde egg back to the intrauterine tree fort/love shack. The rest drink themselves to death while singing Tubthumpin'. With this in mind, it's not surprising that female sperm live longer than male sperm.
And that, my friends, is how boys are created.
I hope I didn't overwhelm anyone with scientific terminology. I tried to dumb it down but conception isn't for simpletons. So, if you're trying to have a boy, I suggest a night of demolition derby after swallowing a Jock Jams CD. You'll be buying blue in no time!