Every so often my husband, Geekster, comes up with a new favourite animal for his website. Why? Because he's a strange little man who's vegetarian brain has shriveled up from a lack of protein. That's what happens when you eat too many vegetables, kids.
His first animal was the raccoon. It was an acceptable choice. It washes its food and looks really cute. Sadly, I was once surrounded by the masked rodents when on a camping trip as a teen. My family went to gather firewood and the little bastards came out of the woods and wanted my marshmallows. I had to throw them the entire bag. They dragged it into the bushes and I watched their beady little eyes as they devoured every delicious bite. Since then any attempt at camping has been foiled by raccoons. They are most certainly not my favourite animal, but I've come to accept that my husband and I can have different opinions and still be happily married.
Next he chose the platypus. We all know what a messed up animal that is. It has a beak, and fur, and it lays eggs, but it also nurses its young. Oh, and it's venomous. Did you know that? True fact. He found that out when he was doing his "research".
Yeah. He researches them. I'm not even making that up.
Today he decided it was time for yet another favourite animal. He's kind of like those people who adopt a puppy and return it when it piddles on the carpet, then get a kitten and return it because it scratches the couch, and then get a fish and flush it down the toilet when they realize how boring fish are... He just can't commit. It should be cause for worry on my part.
I left the office for a coffee and came back to find this on his computer screen. "I like squirrels now!" declared Geekster happily. ("That is so not how it happened, dumbass," is what he's saying now. Whatever, buddy. It's my blog. Go back to looking at your rodent porn.)
Now, we have squirrels all over our neighbourhood. Black ones, gray ones ("Black ones are the same as gray ones" is what I've just been told. "It's a colour variation, but they're the same species." He's supposed to be putting the pizza in the oven. When will he leave me alone to create my epic prose?) *ahem* and red ones... We see squirrels all the time. They're amusing, but fairly commonplace. For a year I've been watching them chase each other around, scream at birds, eat all our birdseed. Last week I even chased one out from behind the tractor in the garage with a giant broom. I felt powerful and sort of mean.
But how did we get here? How did Geekster go from something fairly interesting like the raccoon (a germaphobe food washer) to the platypus (the offspring of a beaver-molested duck) to the bat (rats who decided that scurrying is not nearly as disgusting/creepy as flying) to the boring old squirrel?
All afternoon I've been hearing about squirrels and, I must admit, they're a way cooler mammal than I am. For example, did you know:
- Squirrels have caused dam failures to the point that workers even have manuals on how to deal with them?
- Squirrels have been responsible for taking down the NASDAQ twice?
- Squirrels have been observed attacking a chicken and eating a snake?
If squirrels could rap they would be the baddest gangsters around. When all the toxins of our polluted world flood their little noggins for a few more generations we'll have super smart squirrels who will form mafias and run for president of the United States.
(Hey, if Bush could get elected twice we already know that squirrels are already smarter than many voters.)
Also, our little furry friends are a delicacy in some parts of the world. This will bode well for the Maven family when food becomes prohibitively expensive. I can just grab my hound dog and go a huntin' in my own backyard. I can kill them with a quick whack of my banjo. Apparently there are some delicious recipes available. I wonder if you need all your teeth to eat them?
I told Intrepid we were having squirrelaroni on our pizza tonight, then asked him if he could go clean up the dead ones I caught just outside his window and hung up in his room to dry out. Squirrel jerky. Yummy.
I don't think he'll sleep tonight. I'm a great mother.
Geekster's homepage is here, just in case you doubt his existence. I realize it's hard to believe anyone could be a perfect match for The Maven, but it's true.
Now I need to gather the youngin's 'cause it's time fer dinner, ya'll. We'll put out the toothpicks so as to clear the fur out of our mouths afterwards.