Here's the thing: This fourth baby gremlin idea has failed to exit my brain through the 'very bad proposal' neuropathway. Not cool. What am I going to do about this?
I haven't told Geekster. Not directly, anyway. I've sort of joked with him in that ha-ha-serious way I sometimes do. I think he knows. He's giving me the shifty eyes. He's on to me and I need to ditch this idea fast, or force him to see how right I am.
Thus, I have decided to make a pros and cons list to help me. Then, I'll ask my loyal readership (now approaching the millions *snicker*) to weigh in on the results. Come on, mostly total strangers with a few real-life people mixed in: you can help me decide whether I should hatch another gremlin or put my breeding days behind me.
As you can see, I have some compelling arguments for having another child. Time is of the essence. Geekster is going for his vasectomy consultation in early May. That gives me a few weeks to let him know how wrong he is. Because he's wrong, right? And I'm right, wrong? Um... right?
I haven't told Geekster. Not directly, anyway. I've sort of joked with him in that ha-ha-serious way I sometimes do. I think he knows. He's giving me the shifty eyes. He's on to me and I need to ditch this idea fast, or force him to see how right I am.
Thus, I have decided to make a pros and cons list to help me. Then, I'll ask my loyal readership (now approaching the millions *snicker*) to weigh in on the results. Come on, mostly total strangers with a few real-life people mixed in: you can help me decide whether I should hatch another gremlin or put my breeding days behind me.
Cons to spawning yet again:
- I have a house full of boys right now. Do we really have room for a fourth? Our work-from-home office would most likely be hacked into a fourth bedroom. Either that or there would be a costly extension put on above the garage. Anyone have a spare $15,000? I promise to name the room after you. I'll even put your face in a mural over the baby's bed. Creepy, but I'm desperate here.
- Also, the van technically seats seven people. However, if we have more than five we have the smallest cargo space imaginable. Since we take at least six road trips a year to visit the in-laws, we'd have to draw straws and strap one of the kids to the roof.
- My stomach, while not flat, is less round thanks to pilates. And I have abs again. Real abdominal muscles sprouting from the depths of my tummy fat! Do I really want to lose those? I'm starting to feel... well, not "hot"... but maybe "lukewarm". And after a decade of childbearing that's not so bad.
- I would have a hard time picking between recovering from a third cesarean and eating live hissing cockroaches. Ok, I'm exaggerating. I think the cockroaches are an easy win if I use ketchup.
- Ever seen that Simpsons episode where Homer pulls out more hair every time Marge tells him she's pregnant? Well, picture a less cartoonish version of that and you would probably get an idea of how much my husband wants a fourth child. Now if we suddenly win the lottery or I become a world-famous (read: very rich) author, he'd have no problem. Maybe I could just gamble until I won enough to make his worries go away. With my addictive personality I'd be sure to stick it through until the end!
- I will most likely complete menopause by the age of 45, like my mother and her mother. That means my eggs are old and dusty now, at 31. They're selling off their family homes, looking at condos in the southern part of my ovaries. My fallopian tubes are being equipped with railings and those long, flat treadmills they have in airports. I might have a child with a third eye or two penises for ears. Who knows what lurks in my abnormally aged reproductive system?
- Infertility sucks. I don't think I can call myself "infertile" anymore with three children. I might get punched in the junk by actual infertile people. But let me remind everyone that it did take a decade for my body to produce three babies. This is a body with polycystic ovarian syndrome, kiddies. And do I feel like waiting another four or five years for my next one? Not really, no. The pain, the tears, the frustration... Those cockroaches are looking appetizing again.
- Could it be that I'm actually being a bit selfish here? I know, I know... It seems unlikely that someone as fantastic as The Maven could have character flaws at all, let alone such nasty ones as selfishness. Sadly, however, I am an alcoholic and I know all about it being all Maven, all the time. I've just moved from booze to babies. I have three great children. Three should be enough. But not for me, Geekster the bartender. Oh, no. Just one more for the road. What? You're cutting me off? Back off, man! I can stop any time I want to, ok? Just one more positive pregnancy test, ok? One more and then I'll stop. I swear.
Reasons why I am right and we should have another baby:
- Babies are really, really cute.
- Blue is a nicer colour than orange so I should get a point for that.
- Babies are cuddly and I like to be cuddled.
- My home is already chaotic with three, so I figure another one wouldn't matter. Maybe I could just stop taking my pill and get pregnant and have the baby and my husband won't even notice in the fray. I could tell him it's a pimple or something. A crying pimple attached to my breast. Gross, but it might work.
- A lot of my friends have four children and they do just fine. Maybe it's easier with four. Yeah, that's it.
- Four is an even number. Three is uneven. We are currently an unbalanced family. We have to balance it. There must be some type of feng shui rule about that.
- My stupid ex-friend is having a baby and she's dumb and it's not fair because I'm more awesome than she is and so it should be me having one and not her.
- Babies smell so nice.
- I don't get out of the house anyway. It's not like I have all this free time that I'm going to lose if I have another one. Besides, I can watch House, and Lost, and everything on HGTV. Who needs a social life?
- Babies have really cute clothes and I like to buy cute clothes and dress them up like dolls and parade them around so everyone can tell me how cute they are.
- I like babies.
As you can see, I have some compelling arguments for having another child. Time is of the essence. Geekster is going for his vasectomy consultation in early May. That gives me a few weeks to let him know how wrong he is. Because he's wrong, right? And I'm right, wrong? Um... right?