I've decided I should start a family recipe book. In it I could put simple dishes we've embraced as traditions in our household, like 'Tax Bill Surprise' and 'Three Child Chaosserole'. I think the book would do well because it speaks to the masses; what family can't relate to 'Spitup Souffle with a dash of Colic'?
The past few days have brought with them several culinary learning opportunities. On Saturday we learned how to whip up 'Eight Hour Birthday Brule', which is a recipe I'd only recommend to the very adventurous. It involves combining two traditional meals: 'Family Party' and 'School Friends Party'. They're layered one on top of the other, with only a small layer of sugary 'Downtime' separating the two.
It's truly exhausting to make, but is a huge hit with ten-year-olds, as seen below:
On Sunday I learned why 'Pre-Christmas Shopping Punch' is more bitter than sweet. It requires a great deal of patience to make, as it takes about three times longer to complete than other seasonal shopping recipes and yields fewer servings. This one is not recommended to make with kids. Trust me on this one.
Finally, on Monday, Mrs. Wailing and I discovered how to make 'Stagnant Senior Citizen Stuffing'. You have to add the following:
Put all 70,000 old people in places to sit. Make sure you spread them out so that there is one person per spot, leaving one or two seats open at every table. Have them sit there a very, very long time for no particular reason.
Have stay-at-home-moms with optional-yet-highly-recommended-lattes look for some place to sit. Do not move old people. Do not have old people offer to move, or to share their table with three or four open spots. For added spice, have one elderly woman race ahead of the bulky strollers to grab the one open table.
Babies should now start crying. Preschoolers, in usual preschooler fashion, will have had time to set and will take on a more hyperactive appearance. Some dinosaur-like growling is normal.
Have now desparate SAHMs walk the entire maul looking for a place to sit. For best effect, have youngest baby be in mother's arms, spitting up and making a mess of both of them while mother pushes stroller with other hand. Older baby can be screaming in a tortured-how-dare-you-not-provide-me-breastmilk-immediately way. Preschoolers can run ahead, oblivious to other ingredients.
When benches are finally free, place a grumpy elderly gentleman there to scold preschoolers-turned-dinosaurs-now-turned spies because they put their boots on said bench. Because people have to sit here, you know. Have SAHMs resist throwing something at his head because of the respect your elders thing. But only because of that.
Recipe will yield a nice serving of exhaustion for all to enjoy.
And just now, when I told him that his preschool teachers think he and Spawnling look a lot alike, he studied his younger sibling and said 'Yes, we do... But he's wearing different clothes.'
I love that boy.
The past few days have brought with them several culinary learning opportunities. On Saturday we learned how to whip up 'Eight Hour Birthday Brule', which is a recipe I'd only recommend to the very adventurous. It involves combining two traditional meals: 'Family Party' and 'School Friends Party'. They're layered one on top of the other, with only a small layer of sugary 'Downtime' separating the two.
It's truly exhausting to make, but is a huge hit with ten-year-olds, as seen below:
On Sunday I learned why 'Pre-Christmas Shopping Punch' is more bitter than sweet. It requires a great deal of patience to make, as it takes about three times longer to complete than other seasonal shopping recipes and yields fewer servings. This one is not recommended to make with kids. Trust me on this one.
Finally, on Monday, Mrs. Wailing and I discovered how to make 'Stagnant Senior Citizen Stuffing'. You have to add the following:
1 Monday afternoonIn the old people maul, mix in 70,000 old people. Add in the socially starving stay-at-home-moms, rambunctious preschoolers (boys are best, especially if they're overstimulated from all the Christmas hoopla going on), tired babies (best if also hungry and in need of diaper changes) and bulky strollers. Stir well. This may be difficult with all the old people already in the maul.
1 surprisingly crowded Old People Mall (more of a 'maul' in this recipe)
70,000 old people
2 socially starving stay-at-home-moms
2 rambunctious preschoolers
2 tired babies
2 bulky strollers
Several places to sit
2 lattes (optional but highly recommended)
Put all 70,000 old people in places to sit. Make sure you spread them out so that there is one person per spot, leaving one or two seats open at every table. Have them sit there a very, very long time for no particular reason.
Have stay-at-home-moms with optional-yet-highly-recommended-lattes look for some place to sit. Do not move old people. Do not have old people offer to move, or to share their table with three or four open spots. For added spice, have one elderly woman race ahead of the bulky strollers to grab the one open table.
Babies should now start crying. Preschoolers, in usual preschooler fashion, will have had time to set and will take on a more hyperactive appearance. Some dinosaur-like growling is normal.
Have now desparate SAHMs walk the entire maul looking for a place to sit. For best effect, have youngest baby be in mother's arms, spitting up and making a mess of both of them while mother pushes stroller with other hand. Older baby can be screaming in a tortured-how-dare-you-not-provide-me-breastmilk-immediately way. Preschoolers can run ahead, oblivious to other ingredients.
When benches are finally free, place a grumpy elderly gentleman there to scold preschoolers-turned-dinosaurs-now-turned spies because they put their boots on said bench. Because people have to sit here, you know. Have SAHMs resist throwing something at his head because of the respect your elders thing. But only because of that.
Recipe will yield a nice serving of exhaustion for all to enjoy.
***
I have no idea what happened to my precious Old People Maul. Oh wait. I do.
Christmas happened.
In three weeks all the excess, less-friendly elderly folk will leave, which will provide us stay-at-home-moms with a safe refuge of warmth, expensive coffee and wide open, carpetted spaces yet again. Until then, I'll be sure to tread lightly and not expect anyone to be courteous. What a silly thing to expect at Christmas time. Shame on me.
We did manage to last over two hours, though. Not bad, considering. The boys played trains, checked out very cheesy holiday displays, and Mrs. Wailing pointed out that Santa left a sizeable ass print in his velvet-lined chair. Also, Gutsy suggested that I change his real name to 'Cheesy' because he likes cheese-flavoured popcorn. I just ordered all the paperwork.
I have no idea what happened to my precious Old People Maul. Oh wait. I do.
Christmas happened.
In three weeks all the excess, less-friendly elderly folk will leave, which will provide us stay-at-home-moms with a safe refuge of warmth, expensive coffee and wide open, carpetted spaces yet again. Until then, I'll be sure to tread lightly and not expect anyone to be courteous. What a silly thing to expect at Christmas time. Shame on me.
We did manage to last over two hours, though. Not bad, considering. The boys played trains, checked out very cheesy holiday displays, and Mrs. Wailing pointed out that Santa left a sizeable ass print in his velvet-lined chair. Also, Gutsy suggested that I change his real name to 'Cheesy' because he likes cheese-flavoured popcorn. I just ordered all the paperwork.
And just now, when I told him that his preschool teachers think he and Spawnling look a lot alike, he studied his younger sibling and said 'Yes, we do... But he's wearing different clothes.'
I love that boy.