I received a comment from Sheri a couple of days ago that said the following:
I love your site. It's funny and helpful. I'm trying to convince my husband that the time is right to start a family. We're both 29...any witty thoughts or advice...or should I say forget it?
The thing about being me is, I have no life to speak of. That's why I bitch about things like running a daycare and being poked with needles at the hospital. And I regularly hang out with *cough* my mom. I mean, who kicks back with their mom several times a week? (People with wonderful moms, of course! <--- That was for my mom so she doesn't get sad). Anyway, the upside of being a loser is that if I had a life, I couldn't take the time to think about things like The Perfect Family-Starting Age. I have experience in this department, as our children, as of November of this year, will be 10, 4 and newbornish. That's a decade of making and raising babies. Don't blame me, blame the PCOS. It doesn't let me make and carry many babies to term.
We had our first child when I was 20 (Geekster was 23). Totally an 'oops' baby. But the thing is, the 'oops' should have happened sooner, as we had been doing naughty things with no protection for at least two years prior to his conception. Hey, I never said I was smart. A lot of my life is a cautionary tale to other young women.
I learned that 20 is not the perfect age to have a baby. There are pros, of course: I could live with less sleep (excellent when baby is screaming at 3am). I was full of energy and always wanted to do fun things with him. I wrapped myself around motherhood like nobody's business because I was young and new and had few outside influences (we essentially became attachment parents without realizing it. Just followed our instincts).
The downfall, however, was that I had no friends with children. Nobody to lean on and ask advice to. No support. People made assumptions about what kind of parents we would be based on our age and lack of experience. Basically, I was labelled the trashy mom just because I was young, even though I didn't fit the unfortunate stereotype. Being young=being shunned by older moms in many cases. It really sucked.
Then I had a baby at 26. Not a bad age, really. But not the perfect age. I was still significantly younger than a lot of the other moms. Plus, I already had a six-year-old. That set me apart right away. A lot of my friends were having babies, but I just happened to find a circle of women who were young. So it normalized it a bit and it was certainly better than 20-year-old-mom status. But not quite there.
I'm 29 now and expecting baby #3. 29 is the perfect age.
But why, you ask? For several reasons:
- Most people have friends somewhere around their age. Within a handful of years on either side. That means a 29-year-old couple have friends who are at the stage where baby-making is becoming paramount. Built-in friends with built-in babies. Perfect.
- People who are 29 are still technically in their 20s. Hence, young and hip. Those women who pretend to be pregnant on the cover of magazines are also young and hip. What better way to relate? So you can be the young mom, but not too young. You can wear all the cute maternity clothes and have people go 'Wow, she looks so vibrant and stylish!'. Get on that train while you can, sister.
- I just read that studies have shown that people who have their first child after the age of 30 are more likely to have children who do better in school (I should probably sit down and break the news to Intrepid: He needs to stop being a straight A student because I had him a decade too early for that. Fit the damn mould, child!). The theory is that you've had time to get an education and a lucrative career going, thus you're more inclined to set a good example for your child. So, if you start now and have your first child at 30, he or she will be an honour student and go on to Yale. Careful, though: don't have Little Jr. at 29 or he's in for a life of remedial reading and crime. Watch your timing.
But what about waiting until you're squarely in your 30s to have children, you ask? I'd be wary of that for two reasons:
1. There's that whole fertility-declining thing that goes on. I often wonder what would have happened had we waited. Some people simply can't start a family before then due to circumstances beyond their control (like, meeting your non-platonic life partner at 37, for example, or trying for years due to pre-existing fertility issues). But if you have the person and the stability in your 20s, get to baby-making. It's not worth holding out for the bigger house or the awesome promotion in many cases. Those things can come later, or not at all. In my life, they don' t matter. We thought we'd have no trouble conceiving baby #2 after baby #1. We were very wrong. And I was only 21 when we started trying. I think had we waited until our 30s - in my particular case - it would have been a lot more work and possibly wouldn't have happened at all.
2. I'm starting to see this now: the older I am, the more resistant I am to change. I'm no longer putty that is easily molded into something new. Nuh-uh. I sort of like my life the way it is. It's mostly predictable and solid. Had we waited until a few years from now to have a child, I think I would have gone through major emotional trauma. After over three decades of sleeping through the night, I'd suddenly have to get up and feed a needy little thing. After years of seeing my breasts as sexual objects, I'd have to get used to the idea of them being primarily a food source. After having nights out with the girls twice a week for forever, I'd be needed at home a lot more. My goals would change. My marriage would change. Everything would change. Like, overnight. I found that having my children young helped me integrate them easily into my life. Having a family has been part of who I am pretty much since adulthood, which I guess is a plus side to having a child at 20. I have absolutely no regrets.
That being said, I know a lot of great young moms and great older moms. Age pales in comparison to life experience that brings about wisdom and maturity. But 29 is a good age to jump into parenthood. You've had your 20s to get to know who you are and what you want out of life. If children are something that will bring you joy and fufillment, get on it (take those last three words any way you wish).
And with that, I have to go watch some more Dead Like Me. We're halfway through the second season on DVD. There is no third. Why are all the good shows cancelled? *pout*
I love your site. It's funny and helpful. I'm trying to convince my husband that the time is right to start a family. We're both 29...any witty thoughts or advice...or should I say forget it?
The thing about being me is, I have no life to speak of. That's why I bitch about things like running a daycare and being poked with needles at the hospital. And I regularly hang out with *cough* my mom. I mean, who kicks back with their mom several times a week? (People with wonderful moms, of course! <--- That was for my mom so she doesn't get sad). Anyway, the upside of being a loser is that if I had a life, I couldn't take the time to think about things like The Perfect Family-Starting Age. I have experience in this department, as our children, as of November of this year, will be 10, 4 and newbornish. That's a decade of making and raising babies. Don't blame me, blame the PCOS. It doesn't let me make and carry many babies to term.
We had our first child when I was 20 (Geekster was 23). Totally an 'oops' baby. But the thing is, the 'oops' should have happened sooner, as we had been doing naughty things with no protection for at least two years prior to his conception. Hey, I never said I was smart. A lot of my life is a cautionary tale to other young women.
I learned that 20 is not the perfect age to have a baby. There are pros, of course: I could live with less sleep (excellent when baby is screaming at 3am). I was full of energy and always wanted to do fun things with him. I wrapped myself around motherhood like nobody's business because I was young and new and had few outside influences (we essentially became attachment parents without realizing it. Just followed our instincts).
The downfall, however, was that I had no friends with children. Nobody to lean on and ask advice to. No support. People made assumptions about what kind of parents we would be based on our age and lack of experience. Basically, I was labelled the trashy mom just because I was young, even though I didn't fit the unfortunate stereotype. Being young=being shunned by older moms in many cases. It really sucked.
Then I had a baby at 26. Not a bad age, really. But not the perfect age. I was still significantly younger than a lot of the other moms. Plus, I already had a six-year-old. That set me apart right away. A lot of my friends were having babies, but I just happened to find a circle of women who were young. So it normalized it a bit and it was certainly better than 20-year-old-mom status. But not quite there.
I'm 29 now and expecting baby #3. 29 is the perfect age.
But why, you ask? For several reasons:
- Most people have friends somewhere around their age. Within a handful of years on either side. That means a 29-year-old couple have friends who are at the stage where baby-making is becoming paramount. Built-in friends with built-in babies. Perfect.
- People who are 29 are still technically in their 20s. Hence, young and hip. Those women who pretend to be pregnant on the cover of magazines are also young and hip. What better way to relate? So you can be the young mom, but not too young. You can wear all the cute maternity clothes and have people go 'Wow, she looks so vibrant and stylish!'. Get on that train while you can, sister.
- I just read that studies have shown that people who have their first child after the age of 30 are more likely to have children who do better in school (I should probably sit down and break the news to Intrepid: He needs to stop being a straight A student because I had him a decade too early for that. Fit the damn mould, child!). The theory is that you've had time to get an education and a lucrative career going, thus you're more inclined to set a good example for your child. So, if you start now and have your first child at 30, he or she will be an honour student and go on to Yale. Careful, though: don't have Little Jr. at 29 or he's in for a life of remedial reading and crime. Watch your timing.
But what about waiting until you're squarely in your 30s to have children, you ask? I'd be wary of that for two reasons:
1. There's that whole fertility-declining thing that goes on. I often wonder what would have happened had we waited. Some people simply can't start a family before then due to circumstances beyond their control (like, meeting your non-platonic life partner at 37, for example, or trying for years due to pre-existing fertility issues). But if you have the person and the stability in your 20s, get to baby-making. It's not worth holding out for the bigger house or the awesome promotion in many cases. Those things can come later, or not at all. In my life, they don' t matter. We thought we'd have no trouble conceiving baby #2 after baby #1. We were very wrong. And I was only 21 when we started trying. I think had we waited until our 30s - in my particular case - it would have been a lot more work and possibly wouldn't have happened at all.
2. I'm starting to see this now: the older I am, the more resistant I am to change. I'm no longer putty that is easily molded into something new. Nuh-uh. I sort of like my life the way it is. It's mostly predictable and solid. Had we waited until a few years from now to have a child, I think I would have gone through major emotional trauma. After over three decades of sleeping through the night, I'd suddenly have to get up and feed a needy little thing. After years of seeing my breasts as sexual objects, I'd have to get used to the idea of them being primarily a food source. After having nights out with the girls twice a week for forever, I'd be needed at home a lot more. My goals would change. My marriage would change. Everything would change. Like, overnight. I found that having my children young helped me integrate them easily into my life. Having a family has been part of who I am pretty much since adulthood, which I guess is a plus side to having a child at 20. I have absolutely no regrets.
That being said, I know a lot of great young moms and great older moms. Age pales in comparison to life experience that brings about wisdom and maturity. But 29 is a good age to jump into parenthood. You've had your 20s to get to know who you are and what you want out of life. If children are something that will bring you joy and fufillment, get on it (take those last three words any way you wish).
And with that, I have to go watch some more Dead Like Me. We're halfway through the second season on DVD. There is no third. Why are all the good shows cancelled? *pout*