It was such an uneventful coming out that I almost didn’t blog about it. Until they came after my kid.

If you’ve followed my family’s story either online or in my book, you know that my child came out over six years ago as trans. At the time, she told us she was a girl. She chose the name “Alexis” and the pronouns “she” and “her.” Despite an initial learning curve (for me, at least), we were immediately supportive of her living as her authentic self, and continue to be. I believe identity is at the core of who we are, and if we can’t be ourselves, we’re not really living. That’s the last thing I want for my children.

That’s why, when Alexis came to us a few days ago and told us she was non-binary, it was no big deal.

Being non-binary is different for different people.But for my kid, it’s a little like this: As we know, gender is a spectrum. Who Alexis is doesn’t fall all the way to “female” but doesn’t get anywhere close to male (which is what she was assigned at birth.) She also uses the term trans feminine to describe herself.

When she came out to us at eleven, she had limited language to describe how she felt, and the world was much more binary-thinking back then. Now, at seventeen, she’s able to express how she sees herself more easily. She wanted us – and the world – to know that her identity isn’t binary. Not only did she tell us this news, but she also updated her social media bios and has been talking about it openly with everyone.

And I mean, cool. I get it. Being able to own who you are is deeply powerful. I felt this way when I came out as a lesbian. Did I have to? Not at all. After my wife came out as a woman and we stayed together through her transition, I could have chosen to let the world think I was bisexual or pansexual. But once I did some soul-searching and admitted my sexuality to myself – something I had hidden for a lifetime – I needed to say it out loud. It was meaningful to me, just like saying she’s non-binary is meaningful to Alexis.

Her coming out (again) was no big deal to us. It’s not like we haven’t been through announcements of gender or sexual orientation before. I dare say we might be among the queerest of Canadian families.

We asked her what pronouns she’d like us to use (she/her or they/them are both fine). We asked if we should change our language – “Would you be more comfortable with us calling you our child instead of our daughter?” (she’s indifferent about it right now but promised to let us know if that changes.) We asked if she was still happy with her name, and she most certainly is. She’s staying on her current transition course and is quite happy with that, too.

That was that. It was so uneventful and pleasant and chill that I wrote a little post to that effect on social media. We thought it would be a good way to show people how families can evolve as their loved one do. That love for our children shouldn’t be tied to something like gender – it should be unconditional and dynamic.

And everything was fine until this morning.

Alexis was up at when we got out of bed at 7AM. This isn’t normal for her unless she hasn’t slept. And sure enough, she hadn’t. “I spent part of the night be attacked by transphobes,” she explained.

There’s a subset of transphobes who define themselves as “gender critical.” The rest of the world tends to call them “TERFs,” or Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists (they are anything but feminist.)

GCs or TERFs hate transgender people. They believe trans women are men who fetishize womanhood or use transition to get closer to cisgender women so they can assault them, take away their rights and other nonsensical theories. They believe trans men are confused lesbians who have been taught to hate their bodies or sexuality and/or seek male privilege. They believe trans children are not actually trans but merely confused by either parental abuse or “the trans lobby” and thus groomed to become trans.

If you need to read that last paragraph over a few times to absorb it all, I don’t blame you. Their theories are wild and irrational. They have no basis in reality, relying on fearful and implausible “what-if” scenarios, discredited studies and the rare news story that might just back up their “concerns” if it were a normal occurrence and not a one-in-a-million situation.

Despite claiming “feminism” and a need to “protect women and children,” the gender critical lot seem more interested in harassing trans and non-binary people than anything else. This was proven, yet again, when my kid told me that, rather than attack me directly for my tweet, they found her, pulled her into a nasty Twitter thread, and proceeded to attack her instead.

Oh, they said plenty of things about me, too. But they never tagged me, so I never would have seen it had one of them not tagged her. Once she saw what they were saying about us, she defended herself – quite well, I might add. But rather than back off when the teenager they were talking about replied to them, like mature adults might do, they doubled down. They accused her of being delusional, having abusive parents and “obviously” attempting to de-transition through coming out as non-binary. They refused to use the right pronouns for her even after she asked them to, and let her know how much they disapproved of her being on hormones and puberty blockers. They even stooped so low as to mock her for saying she’s a professional music producer (which she is – a very talented and in-demand one, despite her age.)

My child was bullied by adults on the internet. And she is not an exception - this happens all the time to trans youth and their families. So no, these beliefs are not about protecting children. They will tear down a vulnerable child and everyone they love in a heartbeat. The gender critical movement is about hate, no matter how well they try to package it.

I sat on the couch with my kid this morning and gave her support and hugs. She was tired and deflated from their hatred. I don’t blame her. No matter how strong you are, that stuff hurts. She was wounded, and I know that will last for a while. We watched a movie in my bed, and she fell asleep for a few hours, curled up between two big dogs, safe and sound. She woke up feeling much better, surrounded by her family. When her younger brother read out the mean tweets to her in funny voices this evening, she just about fell over laughing. Love comes in many shapes and sizes.

I lashed out on Twitter against the bullies, creating a thread in which I explained what happened and called them cowards. How else do you describe people who spend their time picking on a teenager for who she is? That thread has gone viral and generated an outpouring of love for her. Good. She needs it right now.

My wonderful, resilient and wise Alexis, know that most of the world accepts you for you, no matter what you might see online.

Know that you’re never alone.

Know that your parents will always fight for you and stand beside you.

Know that you are actively changing the world just by being authentic.

Know that this mom loves her non-binary kid with all her heart, and that will never change.

And if you’re a queer kid dealing with hate, please know you’re not alone either. There are countless people who have your back. Let us be the light in that darkness for you.

Hate will never win. Love simply shines too brightly.