As you might know, I’m a 40-something woman who had a very public breakdown this year. It sucked.

Then, I did a heap of work to get back on my feet. And hello! Here I am in all my imperfect glory.

I’ve been open about this journey because, when I was in the thick of it, I felt so alone. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

The thing about being visible with your mental illness and recovery, however, is that people will ask “how did you come back from that?” That’s a big question, and not one I can answer in a tweet or an Instagram post. Hell, I can only scratch the surface in a blog post, but I’m going to give it a try. There are many moving parts I’ll attempt to summarize here.

Big massive blinking disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. If you see something here that you want to try, please speak to an actual mental health professional or your doctor. Taking some rando’s advice on the internet is something I warn my kids against all the time.

Also, just because something worked for me does not mean it’s going to work for you. There are over seven billion of us, each with our unique brain chemistries and lived experiences. Take what you need to talk over with the right people and leave the rest.

My intention here is to provide some hope. I almost gave up on myself in May 2020. But I didn’t, and I’m in a better place today than I’ve ever been. This is a quick and dirty rundown of 10 things I did to get well and maintain that wellness.

Here we go.

1. ACCEPTANCE

When you go to a 12 Step meeting and start working on things, admitting you have a problem is step one. This makes sense. We can’t work on what we don’t acknowledge, right?

I had known for a long time that I had a mental illness, but I hadn’t accepted how serious that illness was, or that it might be more complicated than I realized. I knew I had an anxiety disorder and occasional bouts of depression, but I hadn’t considered how there might be something deeper driving those issues. To be honest, I didn’t want to consider it.

For me—and for a lot of us—stigma plays a big role in how honest we get about how we sick we are. Unfortunately, there is often still shame in admitting you have a mental illness.

That’s garbage, okay? Don’t let shame control you. Shame is what kept me in denial. Shame is what almost killed me. Shame needs to be kicked out of the group chat immediately. She not our friend. She’s conniving and condescending. We deserve better.

Getting real can mean pushing through some old beliefs. But we don’t move forward unless we do that first.

2. DIAGNOSIS

I can’t talk about this part without owning my privilege. For so many reasons steeped in that privilege (including my age, social status, colour of my skin, and strong communication skills) I was taken seriously by medical professionals and able to access a psychiatrist quickly for a proper diagnosis.

Not everyone is this fortunate. In fact, most people are not. For some, receiving good mental health support is all but impossible due to financial reasons, long wait lists, discrimination, and a host of other obstacles.

But listen. If you can get on a list, do it. Even if it takes months or years, it’s worth getting a good diagnosis from someone who knows what they’re doing.

Hearing the words “anxiety disorder and mood disorder based in trauma” (that’s my very long diagnosis that we can also call Complex PTSD) was not only validating after years of suffering but opened up a whole new world to me. Now, finally, I could start to understand myself—my feelings, thoughts, behaviours and physical symptoms—and access treatments proven to help.

A diagnosis also removed the last fragments of shame. Remember her? She’s terrible. I unfriended and blocked her. How can I blame myself for something I have no control over? I have a neurological condition. An illness. That’s anything but my fault.

3. THERAPY

Again, we need to bring in the privilege piece here. Therapy is extremely hard to access for many. There were plenty of times in my life when I desperately needed a good therapist and couldn’t afford one. The wait lists were long for those I could afford (or those that were free), and even when I did finally get in, sometimes the therapy wasn’t the kind I needed at all; it was just the kind that was available to me.

Yes, finding the right kind of therapy is just as important as accessing therapy. Trauma is a tricky thing to work through, and your average talk therapy usually doesn’t work very well for many of us living with it. I had tried doing some of the standard therapies before with little success.

This time, I went with a trauma specialized therapist who is also a certified life coach. That combination was what did it for me. We talked about my past—even unearthing some really painful experiences I had buried—but we also worked on my present and made plans for my future.

We put together a toolkit. Basically, she put me to work. I’m a fixer, so she turned me into a project. I rebuilt myself. Like an old house, I used the good bones that were already there (and are there in all of us, including you) and made it stronger and more resilient to the storms that will rage around it over time.

There are several different types trauma therapy, including EMDR, brainspotting, and somatic (body-centered) therapy. I didn’t do any of these, but I’ve heard some excellent things about them, and the science shows they work well for trauma. Talk it over with someone in the know if you’re interested.

I’m a big believer in good therapy, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. I wish everyone had access to it. But here’s the thing: Therapy was only part of what I did to get better. The rest of it is the hard work I do on my own – and without that, the therapy alone wouldn’t have worked.

Below is what I do nearly every day to rebuild my house (I’m for sure a Victorian with amazing retro wallpaper. Did I mention visualization helps too?)

4. KNOWLEDGE

Since my diagnosis, I’ve been reading and watching everything I can on trauma. The book next to my computer is The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, and it is well loved. My YouTube playlist is 50% trauma and anxiety lectures and videos (also 30% home organization and moms with huge families teaching me how to cook casseroles on the cheap, but anyway.)

I learn something new about my brain every day. This has helped me figure out what happens when my Complex PTSD gets triggered, why I spiral, what parts of my brain go offline to try and protect me from what it assumes is immediate danger, and how to bring those parts back online quickly.

No matter what mental illness we’re dealing with, understanding it is paramount.

Knowledge is power. It’s also never been easier to acquire. We have libraries, the internet, and we all have at least 5 minutes a day, right? I really mean five minutes. One video. One article. One or two pages of a book. That’s all it takes.

5. CONFIDENCE

Did you know I have an awards shelf? Yeah. That’s new.

My therapist made me do it (she’s kind of pushy, honestly.) My office is literally a converted 5x5 closet, so you can bet I have no choice but to see said shelf every time I’m, well, existing in here.

My accolades from the last few years were sitting in a box. I was told that arrangement needed to end.

That was some of the first work I did this year on acquiring confidence. And no, it’s not about awards. Awards are external validation, and that’s what I fed off of for most of my life. It’s not a good diet, friends. It never fills you up for long. The compliments, the likes, the follows. Once they’re over, you get hungry again mighty fast.

Building confidence is about shelving ego (you’re welcome for that great pun) and learning what real self-esteem is. Confidence is an inside-only job. You have to build it, and that takes work. You have to treat yourself like a good friend. If I would celebrate your successes, why wasn’t I celebrating mine?

Oh, right. Because I didn’t like myself. I relied on you to like me instead.

Some of us have had confidence from a young age, and that important foundation shapes our entire lives. Some of us lost that confidence somewhere along the way, and we’ll keep spinning our wheels in the mud puddles of emptiness until we get it back.

I can’t overstate enough how important it is to love yourself. I love myself now. I’m as good as you are, and you are as good as I am. And we both deserve to feel that to the core and not hit our heads on shelves that are in weird office closets.

6. VALUES

Speaking of core (yes, I planned that segue) let’s talk about core values.

This was one of those things that should have been easy for me and totally wasn’t. My therapist was all “Amanda, what makes you you?” and I was all “Oh, that’s easy! It’s…uh… hang on a sec. I’ve almost got it.”

And then spent several days trying to work that out.

I now know exactly what values make up who I am. Compassion. Empathy. Authenticity. Education. Resilience. Kindness. And a few others. Maybe cool hair, if that’s a value. (It’s not a value.)

Figuring out who I am made it easier to restructure my life in a healthier way. Everything I do now centers around honouring who I am. If something isn’t in line with my core values, I don’t do it. If someone doesn’t share similar core values to me, we won’t be braiding each other’s hair or exchanging friendship bracelets anytime soon.

Just like knowing how my brain works, knowing how I work as a human being is the best thing ever.

7. BOUNDARIES

People on Twitter are probably tired as heck of me talking about boundaries because I talk about them all the time.

The reason? I didn’t have them before, and that was my terrible downfall. I literally almost died because I didn’t know how to set boundaries.

As a recovering people-pleaser, I can say that boundaries are not exactly at the top of our priority list when we’re trying to make sure everyone likes us. And yes, given the fact that I had, like, zero confidence, you liking and accepting me felt like survival. So, I ignored my own needs and bent myself in all types of different ways to try and be everyone’s cup of tea. I really, really needed you to like me.

Then, one day, a bunch of people let it be known they didn’t like me, and because I didn’t have any confidence or any boundaries with which to filter out the influx of negativity that hit me, I had a full on breakdown. Oops.

Boundaries are kind. They’re a way to be kind to ourselves and to others because they make it clear what we’re willing to accept and what we won’t. My core values and my confidence dictate my boundaries, and they’re pretty firm now. As a visible queer woman on the internet, people have tested them out. I’m pleased to say they work well.

When you put up boundaries, expect people who are used to you not having any to push against them. I had plenty of that in the beginning. Some people were mad. But that’s okay because my boundaries keep me well.

Saying “no thank you” and “I will not engage with you” are some of my healthy boundaries. Blocking people and/or taking internet breaks are also ways that I set personal boundaries.

Did I say “boundaries” enough in this segment? B O U N D A R I E S.

8. MEDITATION

Meditation rocks. But it’s not loud like rock. It’s more like folk music, maybe.

I wasn’t able to get into meditation for a long time because my traumatized brain was always close to fight/flight/freeze mode. I was too squirrely.

But after my breakdown, I realized something: meditation is a practice. That means we practice it; we don’t perfect it. I started with free ten-minute guided meditations on YouTube. That’s still the bulk of what I do, although there are days when I can manage a half hour or more. On those days, I feel like an absolute rock star— uh, folk star.

If you’re new to meditation, don’t sweat it. Your mind might start running off that to-do list or thinking about that big problem, but just acknowledge it happening and gently give it room to come back into focus when it’s ready. Maybe that redirection happens thirty times, maybe it happens once. Who cares? It’s a practice, remember? No need to stress about it.

The benefits of being able to calm my mind and body through breathing and focus spill into the rest of my day. It also helps when I’m triggered to know I can jump into those breathing exercises I’ve learned in meditation, which aids in calming down the nervous system.

9. EXERCISE

I’ve been exercising for several years. But this year, the focus has been squarely on my mental wellbeing. Exercise has been proven to help ease anxiety and depression symptoms. It burns off that adrenaline and can boost our moods with endorphins.

I try to exercise 4-5 times each week. I do whatever I feel like. Maybe I’m dancing, maybe I’m strength training, maybe I’m doing some yoga. Again, YouTube has a ton of online content (and if you like it, you can give to the creators’ Patreon pages to say thank you – that’s what I do.)

And here’s a fun tip: I meditate after I exercise so my adrenaline is all burned off and I’m already calm.

10. EXPECTATIONS

For the first time in my life, I no longer have symptoms of an anxiety disorder or a mood disorder (bouts of depression). My Complex PTSD is far more controlled than it used to be, with only occasional triggers that I can now better manage with the tools I have. I was also able to step off my anxiety medication several weeks ago. (I definitely do not recommend doing this unless you are supervised by a professional. Also, some people need medication for the rest of their lives, and there nothing wrong with that. Don’t let stigma make you feel bad for taking care of yourself.)

But this might be the most important part of this obscenely long piece of writing:

I am better, but I am not cured from my mental illness. I don’t think there is a “cured” for me. My brain developed in a certain way and, as much as parts of it have certainly rewired in the last few months, I expect there will always be some situations that are harder for me to deal with and some issues that trigger me in a way they wouldn’t someone with a more typical brain chemistry.

But here’s the hope piece: The other day, I got some bad news that hit all my usual triggers. It was news that probably would have caused me to spiral into a really ugly place pre-breakdown. Instead, I was able to use all the tools I’ve acquired to stay out of that ugly place.

I made room for my icky feelings and didn’t judge them. I took care of myself, including exercise, meditation, a lot of breathing, and watching trashy talk shows (key piece of therapy right there). I talked to the people I trust and got their love and support.

Despite my best efforts, I still had a rough couple off days. But they weren’t terrible; they were simply harder. And that’s the key difference. I’m not aiming for perfection—I’m just aiming for better. And things are definitely better.

That’s an example of how I manage my expectations. I’m a human being doing her human best. And that’s all I can do.

Today I woke up feeling great. I’m back to my happy, sassy, goofy self, with the spoons I need to help other people – which is what I love to do most. And I’m able to write this piece for someone who might need it.

So there you have it. I hope this helped someone. I really do. Again, I’m not a mental health professional and I can’t fix anyone, but maybe you can pull some hope out of this. I used to consider myself a write-off. I was never going to feel better because I was too broken.

I was wrong. I’m glad I decided to believe in myself.

My hope for you is that you keep believing in yourself, too. All my love and support as you move forward. You’ve got this.