Make Some Room for the Good Stuff
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| One of my awesome graduation cards. Thanks, @stephdesign for recognizing what a classy bitch I am. |
Over the last couple of weeks, I have seen both the best and worst of people.
In the same week as we all saw a man fat-shamed for dancing, I witnessed a bunch of women severely tear down another woman's looks. It hurt me to the core - not because I know the woman in question (I don't), but because that woman could have been me, or you, or anyone - and no one deserves that.
In fact, I was that woman - or girl - once upon a time. My school days involved some pretty extreme bullies; they tore down my looks, beat me up, told me I should just go kill myself, and eventually even set me on fire in front of the school. I wasn't severely hurt, but the emotional scars lasted for years. To this day, I have yet to feel so alone as I did back then.
So, while a part of me wanted to say more than I did when I saw this barrage of insults to another woman's physical form, another part was fearful I would be the next target if I spoke up.
Isn't that awful? We teach our children through anti-bullying programs and talks to defend the defenseless, and yet I couldn't do it. I'm still mad at myself.
Thankfully, I rarely find myself in a position like that. That's not my norm, yo. In my day to day, my world is filled with really positive people. In the last week, for example, I've been helping some of them move a pregnant single mom and her two children into a home filled with new-to-them furniture, a stocked pantry, and cupboards and closets brimming with everything they will need to start their lives anew. Friends and strangers came together in person and over social media to raise money, provide gift cards and donate clothes and household items.
If you've never been part of a beautiful movement such as this, I would strongly encourage you to jump at the next opportunity. I can assure you it's life changing.
I didn't initiate the movement, merely joined it. One of my good friends was the organizer. We spent the week packing, moving and unpacking items, collecting and sorting donations. It was fun, tiring, and entirely worth it. As I watched my friends work so hard for one of our community members, I couldn't help but feel grateful to know them.
That's the world I live in today. The world of good people. The world of kind, generous, do-anything-for-you people. I'm not at all surprised they did what they did for this family. Knowing who they are, I would expect nothing less.
In the midst of all that crazy, some of those friends - along with many others - threw me one beautiful surprise grad party. They made me a yearbook with all their high school pictures in it, and signed things like "it was great to sit next to you in chemistry class!" and "I'll never forget that moment we shared behind the bleachers. Let's stay in touch!" They insisted I take cheesy pictures with flowers and a robe on, and made sure to stuff me full of delicious food. I was moved to tears that they would do this for me. I'll never forget it. In that one night, I could feel the old wounds from my former school years heal up - for good. In that one night, I said goodbye to the pain and the loneliness a part of me still carried around. It's easy to see that I'm anything but alone these days. I wish everyone could feel this way.
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| Awkward grad photo! Credit: Christina Hajjar, who insisted it look as cheesy as possible |
My life wasn't always filled with great people. I didn't always make good choices when it came to friendships, nor was I always the greatest friend. For many years I was insecure, petty and passive-aggressive. I didn't know how to communicate effectively and I had to hard time trusting people. I'm still a work in progress. I always will be. But one day I decided I was worth more than the shit I was putting out and getting back. And that's when everything shifted.
Sometimes people tell me they wish they had a good group of friends like mine. And I tell them that if they're anything like me, they just need to make room in their lives for good people. If we're always busy dealing with negative people or situations and our own negative attitudes, we won't have the time or energy to cultivate positive friendships.
When I found out I had a daughter last year, I made a commitment to her and to myself to model healthy relationships. My bullshit tolerance is now incredibly low, both for my own and for other people's. If you don't add something positive to my life and we can't seem to get on the same page, you're no longer going to be a part of it. If I walk away from our interactions feeling drained or belittled or like I need a shower to wash away the ick, I won't keep coming back for seconds (and I love seconds, so that really tells you something.)
It's so much harder to deal with chronic negativity than positivity, so much more work to handle toxic situations than healthy ones. It leaves no room for anything good to happen. I spent years in those situations, with those people and as that person. Those times are over, and that's not only allowed for an infusion of new healthy friendships, but for existing ones to get the attention they deserve.
Like I said, I've seen the best and the worst over the last couple of weeks. But what I can say for certain is that the best has had the most staying power, giving me so much warm and fuzzy that it could put a litter of puppies to shame.
Be the good. Make room for the good. I promise if you do, you won't be disappointed. (But the puppies might be.)