Dear Daughter: You Don't Have to Hate Your Body
 |
| Image Credit: Alan Cleaver via Flickr.com |
Dear Daughter,
The day you came out to us as transgender was a big day for you - and also for me. That's the day I found out I had a daughter, when I had been under the false assumption for many years that I was raising a house full of boys. Silly me.
I've never told you this, but for many years I had a deep-seated fear of raising a girl. In fact, when I was surprise-pregnant at 19 with your older brother, I was sure we was having a boy. And when people asked me how I knew, I told them the universe wouldn't give me a daughter yet because there was no way I was ready to raise one.
"I don't have the self-esteem to raise a girl with self-esteem," I would explain matter-of-fact-ly. People would give me all kinds of strange looks, but I knew it was true. It's not that boys don't benefit from having confident mothers, but as girls we come into the world at a disadvantage, and a strong female role model can make all the difference. I didn't love my body back then, and so I knew I couldn't teach someone how to love hers. I tied my self-worth to how I looked, so how could I teach a daughter to do the opposite? You can't model something you don't possess.
Flash-forward 18 years (feel free to make some great time machine noises.) I've done a lot of work on myself, and that's a good thing because - surprise! - I have a daughter now, and she's watching. Moreover, I have a daughter who will have to work harder than most to be comfortable in the body she has, so my task to raise you into a confident woman is even more important.
(But no pressure or anything.)
So here's what I need you to know: Throughout your life, you will be told that unless you look like a model dipped in Photoshop edits, you are deeply flawed. But you are not flawed, our society is. The weight loss industry is. Our impossibly high standards are. But you, my beautiful girl, are not. You are exactly who you are meant to be and you should be proud of that.
Throughout your life, you will be told that how you feel about yourself should be directly tied to how you look.
That is so wrong that it's Kanye-at-an-awards-show wrong. Our physical form changes all the time, my darling, so using outward appearance as a measure of the beautiful beings we are inside is just a really stupid idea. Some of the most beautiful people you'll meet on this planet will never be in a fashion magazine.
Throughout your life, you will be told you would be happier if you could just attain a certain weight or fit into a particular dress size
. Well I know a lot of people - on account of how popular I am - and I can tell you that there are miserable folks of all shapes and weights. Happiness does not come from a dress size.
The good news is that society's messed up constructs on weight are like The Matrix. Once you're shown what a bunch of bullshit it all is, subscribing to it again becomes a choice. I want to give you that choice. You don't have to hate your body.
I say all this because, as you know, I've recently committed myself to getting healthier, and it's very likely going to involve some weight loss. But I need you to know I'm not doing this because I hate myself; the shame train left the station a long time ago and I wasn't on it.
I'm doing this because I love myself in a super great way.
I love myself so much that I'm going to learn how to eat and exercise properly so that I can feel better and hopefully live longer.
I love our family so much that I don't want to exit it prematurely and leave you all wondering who's going to change the toilet paper roll (you guys might have to hire someone).
And I love you so much that I want to keep fighting for your rights as a proud trans girl for many years to come.
So please don't take the journey I'm embarking on as a sign of disgust; it's a sign of pure joy. I've watched your own transition from the inside out and it's been remarkable. Do you even know how amazing you are? Every day I see you becoming more and more the girl you are inside, and it makes me want to become the woman I am inside: a woman with more energy and more years to show off her fabulous hair. What's not to love about this idea?
You're the very best teacher. I love being your mom.
So let's not hate our bodies together, ok? Come on, it'll be fun.