Dear Leelah's Parents: What I Wish You Had Known
We had an appointment today at our local children's hospital, and you were on my mind the whole time.
The hospitals' Gender Identity Clinic sees around 100 kids like my daughter - like your daughter. They not only help our child through her transition from male to female, but support her family, too. They answer our questions and listen to our concerns. They always point us in the right direction, should we need more information.
Last year we needed a lot of support because that was when she came out to us. She was eleven at the time, and we were unprepared for the news - probably just like you. There's nothing quite like being told your child's insides don't match their outsides, is there?
I didn't know what to do at first, so I turned to the people in my life that I trusted. I'm fortunate to know some great therapists and sex educators with experience in gender issues. They gave me sound information, and that's what set us down this path of accepting and embracing our child for who she is.
When I read about Leelah - and yes, I will be using her chosen name and pronouns - my first reaction was to be really angry with you. How could you not support your child? How could you seemingly cut her contact with the outside world, deny her request for much-needed medical services, and send her to "professionals" who psychologically damaged her? What were you thinking?
But then a thought occurred to me: When our child came out to us, we went to the people we trusted. When yours came out to you, you went to the people you trusted. We both did the same thing. Unfortunately for Leelah, those people weren't worthy of your trust. They lead you down the wrong path.
But this does not mean I think you're blameless.
Yes, you have religious beliefs
. So what? Many people do, and only some choose to use them as a flimsy shield to deny rights to others. Many of my daughter's biggest supporters are religious, ranging from Catholic to Muslim. How do they do it and maintain their beliefs? They choose love above judgment. It's that simple. There are a million ways to worship, and not all of them involve an anti-LGBT sentiment.
Yes, you likely acted on the advice of "professionals.
" So what? It clearly wasn't working. She was miserable. At that point, it's time to step out of one's belief-based comfort zone and explore other options. At any point, there was this amazing tool at your disposal called the internet, and it is full of helpful information. If you had done some independent research into the several recent studies on the successes of trans kids who are allowed to transition, it might have raised some questions about the treatment Leelah was being provided. It could have saved her life.
So yes, I believe you are at least partially responsible for the unhappiness Leelah suffered. You chose to stay on the path you were on, and that ultimately lead to her tragic death. I'm heartbroken for all of you that it did.
But I also have to believe that you had her best intentions at heart, no matter how deeply flawed or steeped in ignorance your parenting decisions might have been. She was your child. You loved her.
So today, while I was sitting in the clinic waiting room chatting with another supportive mom of a trans child, I thought of you and all I wish you had known before it was too late.
I wish you had known how much better trans youth fare when their families and communities support them, rather than try to suppress them.
The suicide rate drops dramatically, as does the rate of homelessness, poverty and addiction.
I wish you could have seen the happy person you child might have become if you had listened from the beginning and supported her transition.
My daughter went from a dangerously depressed and isolated "boy" to a lovely girl I rarely see without a smile on her face. She is joyous for the first time in her life. Joyous. I don't use that term loosely.
I wish you would have known how damaging conversion therapy is to people in the LGBT community.
I guess now you do know. But I'm so sad you had to find out this way.
I wish you would have known enough to immerse yourself in the trans community
. I've learned more about resiliency and authenticity through the trans people I've met than I ever imagined possible. I've learned that transgender people can be happy; they can fall in love, have families and careers and wonderful lives. Being trans is still a challenge, but it's not at all what conversion therapists or rightwing lobbyists make it out to be. I wish you could have embraced Leelah's community. It's a good one.
I wish you could have known what moving from fear to hope feels like.
I used to be afraid. But education, time and making the conscious decision to love my daughter unconditionally have reaped some wonderful rewards. I have far more hope for my happy daughter's future than I ever had for my unhappy son's. This is a good place to be.
Let me be clear: I don't, for even a moment, think I'm better than you or that I love my child more than you loved yours
. I'm sure you loved her dearly. But for whatever reason - be it upbringing, environment or overall life experience - my husband and I were able to be more open-minded with our child. That's what this world needs more of, because open-mindedness breeds acceptance. It saves lives. It pains me that not all trans people have open-minded parents. I, along with many others, am actively working to change that.
I hope you don't choose to hide behind religion or ignorance in your grief. I hope you decide, in your own time, to do what your daughter wanted: she wanted trans visibility and education. She wanted allies.
You can be those allies.
You can, if you choose, use your grief to do some good. You can speak to other parents and say, "We made mistakes. Here's what we would have done differently now that we know better."
You can save lives.
You can make it your mission to ensure that no other transgender child feels invisible, and no other parent listens to the wrong people.
In the wake of so much tragedy, I hope you choose to honour your daughter.
I hope you choose love.