When you go to the doctor and say, "I feel completely burned out," they sometimes give you a little questionnaire to fill out.

Last week, I got 90% on that questionnaire.  

That's not a good score, kids. It's not like normal tests, where you want a high score. I did not get a gold star for that one.

It seems this year has left me pretty depleted. It explains why my creativity is in the toilet, my energy is so low, and why I don't really give a shit about a lot of things right now.

It's hard to explain burnout to someone who's never been burned out. I mean, I think we've all been there to some degree, but the intensity of where I find myself today is a whole new shiny ball of shit. It's not that this year has been awful; it's just been draining. Much good has happened, but it's a tiring sort of good. Like a having newborn baby or 12. 

Then, throw in the fact that I've been doing the same job for 18 years (with my kids), and it's no wonder I'm feeling burned out. This job has no paycheque, involves intense multitasking, is often overwhelming, and my bosses are can be a bit... demanding. Like, OMG WHY CAN'T THERE BE ONE HOMECOOKED MEAL EVERYBODY CAN AGREE ON? AND IF YOU WHINE AT ME ONE MORE TIME TODAY I'M GOING TO SEAL MY BEDROOM DOOR UP WITH CEMENT AND BARBED WIRE.

You know, just little things like that.

Thankfully, the benefits are good. Like, I'm in my jammies right now and eating foil-wrapped Christmas chocolate balls. It rules. Find me another job where I could do that.

All joking aside, I can't blame anyone but me for this one. I spread myself too thin, I ignored my own needs, I didn't listen to the warning signs - and there were many. My body and brain have been screaming at me to take a step back. My friends and family have said the same. I haven't. I scoffed. I really thought I could do it all. And now I'm paying the price for that.

So, for now, I need to slow down. I need to scale back my responsibilities as much as possible, take a lot more time for myself, and get some rest. I'm going to focus more on writing (for pleasure, like on this blog), painting and photography. All my loves. And I'm going to spend a lot of time hanging out with my partner and kids.

If you know me personally, I should tell you I'm going to be saying "no" a lot more and will be setting firm boundaries around how I use my time and energy. Please don't take it personally. I totally still love you. It's really about getting my health back on track and has nothing to do with you. Responsibilities and expectations that I don't have to take on are the ones that are going to go first. I need to put my time and energy where it's needed most. 

In short, give me some time and I'll be back to my old self again. But probably better. I just need to recharge and I'll be all up in your faces again. I'm a gift that keeps on giving, like cold sores.

I've been trying to write this post for a while. But, of course, with burnout, I've been less than motivated. My friend Melissa suggested I do it in Haiku. Challenge accepted.

Burnout, as explained in a series of Haikus

With this here burnout

Coffee fuels all the things

Put it in my mouth

Dirty first haiku

Look where my mind is going!

Maturity? No.

Sweeping year of change

The current pulled me under

Swimming my way back

Apathy is king!

Ask how many fucks I give

Wait. Don't. That is work.

Bed so soft and warm

We totes do each other's nails

We are, like, best friends

Concentration? Ha!

There is none of that, my friends

Only chocolate

Want to hang out, guys

But energy is fleeting

Saying no means sleep

"Set boundaries, yo!"

Therapist puts her foot down

(She does not say "yo")

Burnout will go away

With time and fuzzy slippers

And hugs and Netflix

Still fighting for her

Tiring, advocacy is

But so worth it too

With change comes growth

Like trees in bloom or something

Haikus have trees, k?

During this time

I will be kind to myself

So awesome am I

And so good looking

See? That had five syllables

It was meant to be

Maven's still got it

Despite all the tired and meh

Pass the coffee, bitch