I've stopped people pleasing. (Hope you don't mind.)
I was living under false pretenses. I really thought this parenting stuff was supposed to get easier when they got older. But I guess when you have three kids and one is a teenager and another is transgender and the little one has an attitude that could swallow Manhattan, you're maybe fooling yourself that diapers and blocked ducts would be the most challenging stage.
At least there was naptime back then. Now they don't sleep. They're always around, asking for things like rides and snacks and a rapid SWAT team response time hostage negotiations using me as a human shield help with settling minor sibling disagreements.
When my therapist, a friendly but take-no-bullshit kind of woman who is quite amazing, asked me how I was feeling a few days ago, I told her that I'm just on this side of OK. What that means is that I'm managing, but little stressors send me over the anxiety cliff in no time flat. Extra commitments send me over the cliff, too. Oh, and trying to make sure everybody in my life is happy.
"Wait. Hold up. What was that last part?" my therapist asked in a way I might be paraphrasing.
"Oh, you know. Family, friends, clients, teachers... Everybody wants a piece of me. Trying to manage it all is a full-time job in itself."
"Why are you trying to make everyone happy?" she asked, and gave me that look. If you've been in therapy, you know that look. (And if you haven't been in therapy and you get enjoyment from reading my blog, you're definitely dysfunctional and - good news - I can recommend a good therapist.)
I hesitated. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks that just hit somebody: I'm a people pleaser. A hardcore, unabashed people pleaser. And that's not good. Well, it is for everyone else, but it's not for me. I'm that nice person who will do anything for you. "Maven? She's so nice. And she has great hair, but that is totally secondary to all the niceness going on."
According to Psychology Today, people who go over the top to please others do so because "the intense need to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure."
Well, go figure. I'm an expert at fearing rejection and failure. I practically have a PhD in both subjects. No wonder I excel at this stuff. I want you to like me and not be mad at me and be in my life - especially right now, when we need all the support we can get. And I want to be really good at things and never, ever make mistakes - especially right now, when the stakes are so high.
Fear has been governing my life. It's been adrenalizing me, helping me subsist on 4-5 hours of sleep while trying to meet a buffet of commitments.
Every week I say yes to things I should say no to.
Every week I don't get things done that should get done.
Every week I say that next week I'll make the time to take care of myself, to go to the gym, to prepare healthier food, to just hang out and read a book, to paint or to write a song.
And every week I end up swamped because, on top of the things that need to happen (like appointments and work and groceries and time with the kids) I end up doing the things I don't really have time for but do anyway (like that extra volunteer shift, or committing to an event I really don't have time for, or helping someone out) which means I don't have as much time for the things I should be doing more of (like working out, losing myself in art, hanging out with my husband, or catching up with good friends.)
And on particularly bad weeks, which are most weeks lately, the housework suffers, we eat like crap and it feels like all the balls I've been juggling are crashing down.
"Amanda? Why do you feel like you have to make everybody happy? Can you answer the question?"
And this is the point where I start crying in the therapist's office, which I knew was bound to happen because I was in a great mood before the session and decided to wear full eye makeup knowing I wouldn't cry. It's a universal law that I should never wear eyeliner anywhere if I want to stay happy.
"I don't want to disappoint anyone," I say through my tears.
"Do you not think you're good enough on your own, without trying to please the world?"
And the answer, sadly, was no. I did not feel like I'm good enough on my own. How depressing is that?
I used to have a lot of confidence, but it's slipped in the last year or so. A challenging move, facing the fact that I never finished high school and working hard to support a kid who doesn't fit the mold has worn me down. Or maybe it's just exposed the ugly underbelly of what I thought was confidence and was probably just ego the entire time.
I can't change how I feel overnight. It's going to take some work. I'm trying to learn to be enough. I wrote about it recently and that was a good start, but there's a ton of work left to do. It's work that I have to do in order to preserve my integrity and be a good mom, partner, family member and friend. I can't be this exhausted all the time.
When we looked at Gutsy's life and the pressure she's under, we realized that school was the big stressor that we could take away. So we removed it, and she's now able to focus on transitioning to life as a girl.
My big removable stressor is people pleasing. I need to stop saying yes to everything or rushing in to save the day at the expense of my emotional and physical health. It seems honourable in the short term, but in the long term? Well, I won't be around in the long term if I keep this up. I have to stop treating my life as a sprint and instead look at it as the marathon it is. I need my strength for the miles ahead.
I walked out of my therapist's office with a determined look on my now emo princess face. No more bending over backwards to make people happy. From now on, I do only the things I have to do and the things that will feed my soul and nourish my body. I'm choosing my commitments wisely and trying not to get run over by guilt in the process.
And you know what? I feel really good. The past week or so has been much better. I'm sleeping better, eating better and taking some much needed downtime. I've been consistently going to the gym and enjoying the first few blissful days of summer with my family. I've been saying yes to the things I want to say yes to, and unapologetically no to the things I can't or don't want to do.
And if people don't like it? Well, that's their issue. I can't control how other people feel. Any relationship based on me trying to please someone else isn't a maintainable relationship, anyway.
And I'm starting to believe, truly believe, just a little, that the person underneath all this fear is fabulous enough to be liked on her own merits.