A Poem for My Daughter: In All the Ways I Love You

May 29, 2014 The Maven

I had to write a poem for my English Writing class and it was totally out of my comfort zone.

Actually, I didn't have to write a poem. I chose to write it because I am sick of writing ridiculously long pieces for that class. I've been struggling to keep up with the workload and still balance three kids, a ton of medical appointments and a house so messy that a baby could get lost in it forever (please do not bring your baby over.) So when the option of a poem came up, I jumped on it like its name was Adam Levine. I figured it would be cake to write one of these things. Like a boss and whatever.

Problem: I don't, like, write poems. As it turns out, those little lines are tricky bastards. So I spent a good hour obsessing over how to write the poem, and then decided I was just going to shut my brain up with some tea that behaves a little bit like a tranquilizer and write the damn thing. So I did. I wrote a poem about my Gutsy girl and her journey from male to female.

And you know what? It's not horrible, you guys. It has its moments of non-sucktitude. So I'm going to post it. I'm just going to hit publish and be done with it, and if you hate it I'll send you my teacher's email address and you guys can talk about how I shouldn't quite my day job.

In All the Ways I Love You

In bright surgical light I met your eyes for the first time,

Cool blue,

The colour of skating rinks and winter skies.

Eyes that warmed me.

I loved you immediately.

Little hands and toes,

Cheeks too big to fit on that face,

Wet hair and wrapped blanket,

All mine.

And we had waited so long to meet each other, hadn't we?

So very long.

You grew,

And the clothing you wore matched your eyes.

Blue,

So much blue,

Blue with trucks and trains

Blue with backhoes and planes

Animals like tigers and lions

Oh, my,

How you looked good in blue, my darling.

But your inside matched your eyes too,

You were blue like an autumn's rain,

A little dark cloud wrapped up in buzzed hair and grey t-shirts.

You were blue in ways you didn't have words for,

And it curled around your heart like thorny tendrils,

Barbed wires in your psyche,

You screamed on the outside but not about your insides,

You still wore blue.

I thought you liked blue.

But all this time I loved you,

I held on to the someday,

That precious someday that would come,

And make things better,

Like before the world told you what you were supposed to be,

What you are not,

What you can never be.

You were so blue.

Locked inside yourself,

Inside a world of expectations,

Of boxes you were told to fit in.

You never got to choose,

It was chosen for you,

The blue box,
That one,

That's yours.

But how you hated blue.

The news came rushing at me,

Like a train that couldn't slow down,

I never felt the breeze before it whizzed through that tunnel,

I didn't know it was coming until it was there.

But you knew, my darling,

You knew it was time,

You took a deep breath and you said it,

Both fierce and terrified your voice was,

Strong and frail,

Echoing out of the box,

Blowing the lid off for all to see.

And all that time I loved you,

I just never really knew you,

That person deep inside,

The one who pretended far too well,

Who went through the motions,

Who played the role,

The boy who was not,

Who never was,

Who never would be.

Your eyes are blue,

But your soul is not,

Your face says boy

But your heart says girl,

She was always there,

Dressed, s o sadly, i n blue.

No more blue, mom, you said.

Please, no more blue.

But I still love you,

I always loved you,

In all the ways that matter.

It was never about trucks and planes,

Bikes and cranes,

Blue or pink.

You have the same eyes,

The same smile,

A happier heart,

A hand to hold,

A story to tell,

A voice to be heard.

And I impossibly,

Completely,

Undeniably love you.