How To Be a Friend To Someone with a Mentally Ill Child
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| Source: Wikipedia Commons |
We had a rough weekend with Gutsy. It was four days long, involved his little brother's birthday celebrations and us hosting (Canadian) Thanksgiving. When his schedule is off like that, it's harder for him to cope with life. Even with low-dose medication, he had a couple of big episodes that left him in tears and the rest of us doing our best to support him through it all.
My spouse is hella amazing - and hot. Did I mention hot? - and my best friend, to boot. He's the only one who knows exactly what I'm going through because he's going through it with me. So we talked about it for a bit and I checked out his biceps while trying to focus on his mouth, and then he went off to do his introvert thing and I went to do my extrovert thing, which is code for Watch Grey's Anatomy and Text People.
That's when I turned to my friends - my buds, my chicks, my ladies - and leaned on them until they couldn't breathe (I'm pretty heavy.) I don't know what I'd do without such a great support system.
Then I thought about what it took to build a community of supportive people when you have a chronic illness in the home. It was a lot of work and a lot of education on everyone's part. I thought about those who are just starting on this journey and wondered what they might want to tell their friends and family.
I am not a medical professional of any kind, but I am a mom who's been dealing with mental illness - both mine and my child's - for a very long time, and that gives me some perspective. I don't speak for every parent (believe me, nobody wants me as their spokesperson because then their spokesperson would be dropping f-bombs everywhere). But I hope that maybe this could be a conversation starter.
HOW TO BE AN AMAZING FRIEND (OR FAMILY MEMBER) TO A PARENT OF A MENTALLY ILL CHILD:
Whether you realize it or not, you have friends whose children are, have been, or will be mentally ill. True story, bro. It's estimated that 20% of children in Canada and the United States have or will have a mental disorder. I know, right? Those are crazy stats. What this means is that unless you're wildly unpopular and only talk to maybe two people, these tricky little bastards will definitely be affecting someone you know. That's 1 in 5 kids. Let that sink in for a minute. (I find chocolate helps.)
Recognize that there is an undeniable stigma surrounding mental illness, and chances are you grew up learning that stigma. I mean, think about it: If one-fifth of the population will suffer in their lifetime, why are we just starting to talk about this? Why is discussing therapy and/or medication an uncomfortable topic? Stigma, that's why. It's a taboo subject for many folk, because for some reason being sick in your brain - the most complex and least understood part of the body - is seen as a sign of weakness. Because, despite the fact that science has proven time and time again that the brain's chemistry directly affects how we see and interact with the world, mood is still viewed as something we should be able to control. So that uncomfortableness you might be feeling when your friend refers to their child's diagnosis? That's pretty normal. It's stigma talking, and your job as an awesome friend is to kick it in the junk.
Understand that your friend's child has a real, chronic illness. Take it seriously. Again, this is a stigma issue. This isn't some diagnosis-du-jour. It's not the trendy new disease made up by drug companies to sell pills or by psychologists to bulk up their retirement savings. These illnesses have always been around -people are just "coming out" more and seeking help more often these days. Children are only diagnosed with a mental illness when their lives become governed by it. In our case, our son couldn't get out of bed in the morning, had next to no friends, no interest in leaving his room, couldn't cope with school, couldn't stray from routine and obsessed over mundane details like his life depended on it. He was completely consumed by his illness - his very serious, potentially life-threatening illness. When a parent seeks help for their child, there is generally a really good reason to do so. Trust their judgment.
Please don't suggest new discipline methods. This is not a parenting issue. I can't tell you how many times I've had well-meaning people in my life suggest that we're just doing things wrong; that we just need to be stricter, more structured, more organized - and that would solve the issue. That is about as useful as suggesting that a parent only need to feed their child healthy foods to cure juvenile diabetes or shrink a tumor. Mental illness isn't a lifestyle issue. Sure, there are things that can exacerbate the symptoms, but that's what a good therapist who's seen many families in these situations can help with. Also, we've probably tried everything you've suggested already. In our specific case, we exhausted virtually every discipline method we could before realizing that, hey, maybe this isn't a bratty kid but a sick kid.
Recognize that medication is not what lazy parents give their kids so they don't have to deal with them. I don't feel the need to defend our choice to medicate our ten-year-old because I know it was the right one, but I write this for those who are struggling with their decision to do the same. I am so done with this stereotype, people. In case you haven't read me before, medication was the hardest decision we've ever had to make as parents. It was also the best decision we've ever made as parents. Our son's moods are more stable, and his bad days are more manageable for him and the rest of his family. Parents who choose to medicate do not generally come by that decision easily. We are in crisis. Normally, we have tried everything else first and our families are at the breaking point. Once again, assuming that someone with a sick brain doesn't need medication as much as someone with a sick pancreas is erroneous and based in stigma. And if I sound judgy, I'm really not trying to be. I was that person once upon a time, and my views were based in ignorance.
Do your research (but don't rely on Dr. Google to give you all the answers.) One of my friend's sons had cancer. I met them before he went into remission (where he has thankfully stayed for over four years now) and I wanted to know as much as I could about his disease so I could be a good, supportive friend. While going online provided me with a list of possible symptoms, treatments and outcomes, it didn't make me an expert by any means. His case was as unique as he is, and I found talking to his parents far more informative than anything I could read online. This is just as true of mental illness; the symptoms can vary so much by child. Please don't go reading a list of symptoms and then assume your friend's daughter isn't severely depressed because she has no problem eating and the list says she shouldn't be hungry. Chances are if she's been diagnosed with depression, she is undoubtedly depressed. Screw Dr. Google. He's a bit of a quack and only gets paid in advertising revenue.
Understand that some days are going to be harder than others. We are going to have bad days when our kids have bad days (and that's where you come in.) I know that, after this weekend, I felt like the band-aid I was getting used to had been ripped off, exposing a wound that was just beginning to heal. I felt raw and sad and sensitive. I felt like a terrible parent who can't help her child. I went back through my days and wondered what I had done wrong. I questioned all our decisions to date and worried they had all been for naught. It is so easy to fall back there. That's when we need a friend the most.
It's ok that you don't always know what to say. Mental illness is a tricky subject. Sometimes saying, "I wish I knew what to say" or "I'm so sorry it's been a rough day" or "I'm always here for you" is all your friend needs. We're not looking to you for advice. We don't expect you to know how we're feeling or what we're going through. How could you unless you're going through it, too? But we appreciate your support and your love. Thankfully, I have some pretty great friends who were privy to my barrage of emotional texts last night. (This is why I buy you all coffee. You're the cheapest therapists ever.)
I'm probably forgetting a dozen or so things, but I hope this list is a good start. If you read this whole thing through without leaving to click on cute cat videos or the latest celebrity train wreck, you are already an incredible friend. And hey, it might result in some serious coffee handouts, and will most certainly result in some big hugs and lots of gratitude. Now go forth and be awesome. And possibly very caffeinated.